Sex Confession: Wife No Longer Attracted to Husband Because "He's Fat" - What advice would you give her?
Sex Confession: Wife No Longer Attracted to Husband Because "He's Fat"
by Michele Zipp
"Sex
Confessions" is a series featuring your naughtiest bedroom secrets and
fantasies. Some will sound familiar, others may give you ideas, some
will turn you on, and some are dark and twisted. You might want to sit
down for this.
Can we re-gain sexual attraction after it's lost? That's what
Julia* is wondering because she's been having a hard time being excited
to have sex with Peter*, her husband of nine years. They have three kids
and are generally happy, but Julia says that Peter has gained about 30
pounds in the last few years (maybe even more) and it's making him look
sloppy. "He's fat," she says and she is is slightly repulsed by him and never wants to have sex with him. When they do, she says, it's a chore. Let hear more from Julia.
I feel like a terrible wife. I've talked to Peter about his weight but he doesn't seem to care. He eats so much junk food when he's at work and it's made him gain 30 or more pounds. He's sloppy and sweaty and smelly and I feel like he's turned into a slob version of his former self. This isn't just about sex, though it is a very big deal to me. He shouldn't be overweight for his health. We have three kids who want to run around with him.
And when he does want to have sex, I'm grossed out. It just doesn't feel intimate anymore. His huge belly is in the way and he gets really sweaty right away and it's hard for me to be in the moment and get into it. He's fat and it's distracting. What also gets to me is that he used to tease me when I was pregnant that I wouldn't be able to lose the weight I gained, but I did. Each time. And part of it was because I wanted to look good, feel good, and be healthy. It makes me sad that Peter doesn't want those same things.
We've talked about his losing weight and he says he just can't. He tried. He does go to the gym but he also eats junk food and drinks beer and soda all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried. I've tried to accept it. I've tried to get him to lose weight and nothing is working. I don't want to leave him -- I love him. But I want to be attracted to him. I want our sex life back, but he needs to make some changes to help me with that.
What advice would you give Julia?
This is sad, for both of them. She is disgusted by her own husband, and she keeps calling him fat. Oh, how the tables would turn if he were the one calling her fat and disgusting. Why is it ok for a wife to call her husband fat and disgusting, but not the husband? It isn't ok. He needs to take his wife's concern for his health and weight into consideration. But I also wonder, how does she go about it? Does she really tell him that she is very concerned for his health, or does she sit there and call him a big fat slob? If my husband told me that I'm a big fat slob, I wouldn't be motivated to lose the weight, either. I would recommend marriage counseling for both of them. I'd never talk about my husband the way this woman does, I have too much respect for him.
If she loves him she'd accept him for the way he is.
I was in this same situation. I said some horrible things to my husband about 3 years ago. He is very overweight. I can 100% relate to what she is saying, I was repulsed by him, I was disgusted and miserable. I told him how I felt, said some hurtful things that I can never unsay.
At some point, something changed. I don't know how or why, but at some point I woke up and realized it was me who was miserable and hateful, and this man was the same person I had always loved. There is so much more to sex than a physical attraction. My husband took a more dominant role in the relationship and I fell in love with him. I started looking at it a different way. I am more sexually attracted to him now than I was when he was fit and gorgeous on our wedding day and he has gained even more weight. Of course, I would like him to lose it for health reasons, but as for sex I promise I do not even see it anymore. I see his mind, and heart and soul and i am so very attracted to him.
So, the advice I would give to Julia is that the problem is really with her and not with him. At least it was for me. One day she will regret telling him he is fat and disgusting. =(
I would like to have my husband join me in biking.walking and maybe joining a gym together. I wish them both the best in this.
I said some nasty things to my husband once, I can never unsay. It has affected our sex life and it's no longer as wonderful as it used to be. Getting there but he is not as confident as he used to be. I regret being so shallow and saying things that could hurt him so bad. He's a wonderful man and he didn't deserve to hear those words.
Wasn't this a post in L&M? Anyway I don't think there is any advice to give. Has she tried working out with him or telling him how she feels? Anyway, I thought complaining about it over in the other group was kind of low. Especially since if a guy didn't want to touch her because she is fat then all of the ladies would have been chewing him out and calling him a dick.
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- Cafe Steph
on Mar. 20, 2013 at 2:07 PM