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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

He will always be the love of my life.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

When I was 20, I was dating this guy who was much older than me. He was 32. I had met him at college. He was legally blind and had to use a cane to help him getting around. He was so handsome. He had this long dark hair. He was the same exact height as me. He also had a kidney and pancrease transplant before I met him due to prolonged diabetes so he was on a ton of meds he had to take to ensure his body didn't go into rejection.

Anyway... Be that as it may. He was wonderful. The first time I went to his home, after we had seen each other at campus a ton of times, he played his guitar for. He had been in a band with his friends Ronnie and oh I can't remember the guys name, but anyway, he played a song, and I got up and hugged him and I felt a fool, he didn't hug back, until I tried to pull away, and suddenly we were kissing and we made love, me for the first time ever, and it was amazing.

He would come over my house and we would hang out, hug, kiss, watch movies, have sex, it was amazing. But he kept saying I was too young, just a kid, and he wouldn't make a commitment. I kept waiting for him to come around. I was IN LOVE 100%, and I wanted him to feel that way too.

We had an abortion together when my birth control failed. I didn't want to, and he didn't want to. But at the time, I was living with strict parents who would have tossed me on the streets, and he was living with his parents, being legally blind and needing pills, etc, he needed the help.

So after about a year of this, I had a good friend over the house. And he called. And said he wanted to be with me forever, and my friend who could hear, is going no, keep your dignity, and say NO. I fell to her peer pressure and told him NO.

Worst mistake ever.

I do love my husband of course, we have been married a long time now and have three kids.

But the bad part is this...

I'm waiting for either my kids to grow up and move out or him to leave me or him to get hit by a truck so I can look up Dave, this wonderful man I will never stop loving. How terrible is that?

Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 1, 2011 at 7:43 PM
Replies (11-20):
Vibrant.Heart
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 9:56 PM

Do you really think it's fair to your husband to feel this way about another man?  

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Nov. 1, 2011 at 9:59 PM


Quoting Vibrant.Heart:

Do you really think it's fair to your husband to feel this way about another man?  


No but I can't just turn off how I feel. I've tried for 12 yrs to turn it off and it hasn't worked. I ache for Dave. ACHE.... But not much I can do about it.

Jjsmommy03
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 10:16 PM


Quoting Anonymous:

He was overweight when I knew him and I wouldn't be so shallow anyhow. He isn't dead I have gone as far to look him up. Unmarried, and a CEO of a company a small one but still a CEO... But it's something I wouldn't do to my kids or my dh. I love my dh, just not IN love with him. Will always be in love with Dave.

if your not in love with someone then why be with them and dave, he probably doesnt even remember you .shame on you, how can you do that to your husband who probably is madly in love with you and thinks that you feel the same way for him and yes we do all have our first loves and all but thats all in the past and now your thinking of throwing your whole life away just because of some memory that all you do is think about and sit around wishing you were with "DAVE" its like me sitting around wishing i was the queen of england , <IT NEVER GANNA HAPPEN"> and also shame on you for listening to your friend in the first place, why not follow your heart and what you wnated im sure your not even friends with that girl anymore, so you pretty much let her screw your life up. but the last thing is that age isnt nothing but a number <LITERALLY > my husband and i are 18 years apart hes 38 and im 19 now we met when i was 17 ,yes i lied to him and didnt tell him the truth about my age until about a month or so of dating , yes we broke up for like 2 weeks or so and we both were miserable , so we tried it agian and this time we stuck together for good ,yes we have our difference but if theres love then why wouldnt it work, you know it was one of those things that it felt like it was ment to be. now we have a wonderful little boy that is 14 months old and trying for our next, we are different but very alike in other ways and the age thing of course it doesnt bother us we dont even think about it , if we did it would get in between all the wondefull things we love about eachother and our love for eachother ....

excuse my spelling 

tkshoults
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 10:35 PM
2 moms liked this

Did you ever think you both are not the same people you were so long ago?  You will have different interests, ideas & personalities.. You might not be compatible because the feelings you hold onto might be because he was your first sexual experience..

How would you really feel if your hubby left you or died, then you tried hooking back up with this guy just for him to reject you?

Is is really worth the emotional torment you're putting yourself through on a daily basis?

Have you wondered how your kids would feel if they ever lost their dad?

I understand you're still clinging onto some hope of what used to be, but be realistic about the present & future for you & your family!

:-)

Jeanniedoll
by Bronze Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:15 AM
I do not think you really want to see your husband hurt by a truck. You simply have the what if thoughts going every which way. Not a good thing. I think he does remember you. But you moved on and he moved on because that is what people do. So now I have a What If question for you. If he showed up on your door step, would you leave your husband?
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:46 AM
5 moms liked this

Seriously...

Wow..

You need a serious realality check..

We have all loved and losts, but to pine away for a person, when your married to a man you are supose to love is totally wrong. How can you say you love him when it's obvious that you love a fantasy..

So many people get confused about what Love is and what being "in Love" is..

So This is my experience with that and what I feel is the meaning of both, rather you agree or disagree is up to you.. but here goes my two cents.

Love is lasting, it's the everyday, it's the knowing that that person in your life will be there for the long haul good and bad, that you can count on them.  The person that knows what you look like at your worst and still loves you, the person that knows how awful you can be and still loves you, the person that even if your wrong will in public suport you and later in private let you know that he/she felt you were wrong, because that's just the way it should be. Love is the person that when you see him/her walk thru the door everyday for years, seeing him still feels like coming home after a long trip away..

Being "IN LOVE" is that first giddy excitement, the newness, the finding out about each other, the first kiss, the first time you make love, all those exciting firsts.. all the bright shiny lights and pretty paper, That is not LOVE

LOVE stands the test of time..

Love is a 90 something year old couple that is in an automobile accident and dies an hour a part holding hands,  Many of you may have seen that story.. That sweetheart is love.. the real deal..

Enough Said..

ickybanana
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:10 PM

This is why I do NOT listen to 'friends'. I choose for myself based on MY opinion, not anyone elses. You made the choice though, and honestly its not at all fair for your husband. Would you like it if he thought of another woman constantly, and wanted you to die so he could find her? Dave has probably changed as the years have passed. He may have a family, a great relationship, and a happy life. If you and your hubs split and you found Dave 100% happy with his life and GLAD you said no... well you'd be kinda screwed.

kikibix
by Platinum Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:27 PM

This is a disturbing post.  I think it's fairly normal to have thoughts of past loves but not to be waiting around for your spouse to either die or leave you.  If you feel so strongly about this past love I think you should look him  up and see what that is all about.  Chances are you and he will not connect the same way you once did.  I think you are being so unfair to your spouse. If you are waiting for him to leave you, obviously you are not trying your best to make a good marriage and probably acting in a hurtful way to make him want to leave. You are wasting his life away.  If you are really going to leave after the kids are grown how unfair is that! Yup, he wasted his prime years on you and then you dump him when he is older and chances are he won't have the opportunity to meet someone else and spend his old age lonely.  You are a very mean person.


lynnie81
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:28 PM
I understand not being able to let go of a past love. You were happy together and it ended with you having regrets and what ifs. It is a horrible thing to want another man so badly that you want your husband and father of your children to die so you can MAYBE be with a past fling. You ended it with him and now you have to either live with your decision or leave your family for something that he may not even remember. Imo your dh deserves someone who lives him with her whole heart, you should step up and be the wife you vowed to be it let him go so he can find someone else to share his life with. Your story makes me sad for many reasons but mainly I feel bad for your husband.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:33 PM

I know what you mean.  I still love my ex.  we broke up over 15 years ago, but i still love him. 

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