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Help me please!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 17 Replies

Ok, I am a mom of 3 kids. I am married. I left my husband in December. He used to be abusive and still sometimes was emotionally so. Most of the time, he just didn't even aknowledge my existence. I moved out 3 days after Christmas and we both agreed to have the kids stay with him until the end of the school year and then they would come to stay with me. In March, that all changed when he tried to hang himself. I took the kids and he sought out help. He has been in counceling and AA ever since. He has made a huge change.

I got a new boyfriend, who is (bash away) 19 years old ( I am 30). Don't get me wrong, he is wonderful most of the time. He is sexy, loving, has a job, tries very hard for me. The problem is, he sucks when it comes to the kids. I love that they love him and that he plays with them, but he is more like a brother to them, or something. He calls them stupid and things like that. I know that he is not serious, but it doesn't make it any better IMO. They are children, and that isn't right. I had my tubes tied nearly 8 years ago, and he knows about it. The thing he wants most in life is a child of his own. I understand that, but I can't give that to him. When we argue, he always brings that fact up. I think it hurts me more than it hurts him, knowing that I can't do the one thing that he wants more than anything. Another thing, he yells at me all the time and I am not allowed to be alone. I love him so much. His smell, his hugs, his kisses. He makes me melt. 

My ex has not given up on me at all and it has been 11 months. He has tried everything he can to get me back. He hasn't dated, made a lot of changes in his life, and I believe he is really trying. Here is my delimma. Yes, i said that my BF has a job. It is under the table and sometimes 20 hours a week. He refuses to get a real job and we are now facing getting booted from our second place for non payment. I have talked to him about the issues that we have, but he just won't stop. I was going to leave the other night, but he tried to hide a knife in his sleeve, saying that he was going to kill himself. I stayed. I don't want to leave him because he makes me really happy (just the us part), but I know that it isn't right for my kids to be here.

I have been missing my ex a lot lately, and our house, our life that we had. He has changed a lot and I am thinking that working things out is a good choice for the kids, but it hurts to think about leaving my BF. I love them both, but I don't know what to do. If I go back to my husband, we will be going to counceling and church for starters.

Sorry for the long post, but anyone's perspective would be greatly appreciated. Yes, I do realize that this is my fault and that I put us here, but everyone does something wrong at some point or another in their life, so please, spare me the "You did this to yourself" speech. I know that. Thank you for reading.

Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:24 PM

Been there, I was with a guy for 12 years. he was 9 years younger. I also had 3 kids. so yes he was just another kid around them. He also wanted kids., and i couldn't. I felt really bad about that because he would be the best!  Long story short.... We didn't make it, Because of his age, and my kids. He today has remarried and has 2 kids..I'm happy for him. But have missed him bad!!  It wont work for you, sorry to say. Go back to your ex. for the sake of the kids..

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:29 PM

Thank you. I guess I just needed someone to confirm what I already knew. It just hurts so much and I wish I would have never put myself, or my kids in this position. The thing that I am struggling with the most is how do I do this? Everytime I try to talk to him about it, he goes nuts and wants to kill himself. I have been thinking about just loading up and taking off while he is at work, but it seems kind of cowardly to me. I also don't want to find out that he came home to find me gone and killed himself. 

TinaMarieSand
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:29 PM
Uh may b u Shud try being on ur own meanwhile work on ur marriage. I think u need to build some self-esteem 1st.
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kaffedrikke
by Platinum Member on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:32 PM

Time to get rid of the boy toy.  You need to concentrate on your children not a boy playing daddy.  If this sounds harsh, sorry.  This relationship will never work out, I know it's not what you want to hear, but you can do so much better.  You've come out of an abusive relationship and now you're making other silly mistakes.  Tell him bye bye.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:36 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting TinaMarieSand:

Uh may b u Shud try being on ur own meanwhile work on ur marriage. I think u need to build some self-esteem 1st.

I do plan on spending some time at my mom's house getting my shit together before I do anything else. I am going to stay with her and start by "dating" my husband. We will see how this works. I am just really shaken and having a hard time with the actually leaving part. We have been together for about 11 months now, so it's rough.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:38 PM


Quoting kaffedrikke:

Time to get rid of the boy toy.  You need to concentrate on your children not a boy playing daddy.  If this sounds harsh, sorry.  This relationship will never work out, I know it's not what you want to hear, but you can do so much better.  You've come out of an abusive relationship and now you're making other silly mistakes.  Tell him bye bye.

I do agree with you. I believe it started out as something different (extremely different), but in the process, I fell in love with him. I feel like such a dumbass. Thank you, it doesn't sound harsh to me. Sometimes someone being blunt is what you need.

mamagreen08
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:40 PM
Personally, I say focus on yourself as a women & mother without any men fogging your head. Take time to decide and do not rush into anything ... especially for your children. The last thing they need is to be bounced back & forth. Be strong and you'll know what the right thing to do.
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TinaMarieSand
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:54 PM
Good for you! Great plan! You can do it! Stay strong!


Quoting Anonymous:



Quoting TinaMarieSand:

Uh may b u Shud try being on ur own meanwhile work on ur marriage. I think u need to build some self-esteem 1st.

I do plan on spending some time at my mom's house getting my shit together before I do anything else. I am going to stay with her and start by "dating" my husband. We will see how this works. I am just really shaken and having a hard time with the actually leaving part. We have been together for about 11 months now, so it's rough.


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Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Nov. 26, 2011 at 3:07 PM
Yeah...I got nothing.
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carterscutie85
by Queen Bee on Nov. 26, 2011 at 3:10 PM

Threatening to kill himself if you leave IS emotional abuse. He sounds immature and you would be best off being by yourself for a while. That way you can sort out your feelings for your ex and see what you really want.

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