i dont care about my life... recently, i was given high blood pressure meds to take... i was asked if i was on any birth control- and i said no, there was no reason to be.... he said that the blood pressure meds are VERY bad if i'm pregnant/planning on becoming pregnant.
i shouldn't have lied. we've only had sex 3-5 times (2 times he orgasmed twice) in the last 3 weeks... no protection.... i've taken about 3 of the daily blood pressure meds- again, within the last 20 days of supposing to take them.
if i become pregnant- horray. i want kids close in age... but i also know that means my haelth wont get any better. they took a blood sample, for other issues with me (diabetes, sugar, thyroid, etc)- and i wont hear about it for another few weeks. but i know its bad news. i know it is... but i dont care.
i want to go to the store and buy an ice cream cake adn eat it all before DS wakes up. i cant/wont b/c the store is closed... but i want to. i know its bad for me. but i dont care.
it makes me sad. i dont care about my life. why dont i care? i try to change it- try to act like i care... but its just an act and the saying "fake it til you make it" doesnt work with this one.
i feel like a shit of a mother for being like this- for not caring. i made DS a good meal tonight for dinner; him- i care about... it had meat, rice, veggies. afterwards, he got a VERY small bowl of ice cream (about the size of a baby food glass container)... me? i had an entire box of mashed potatoes. carbs are almost deadly to me-- but i dont care. i cant even care about my life enough to want to be here for DS when he's older-- i want to think that i do,but its obvious that i dont, since my actions are the opposite of what i want to think is true