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don't know what to think ...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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i feel like a crazy person. i have so much anxiety it's ridiculous. every possible thought about what could happen and go wrong has crossed my mind. i have so much doubt about everything. why i'm not sure. i think i've read so much i've freaked myself out.

i know who the father of my child is (my boyfriend). but yet i still have irrational doubts? like "what if I had sex with someone and don't remember?". then i snap back into reality where i'm like "ok no you would REMEMBER if you had sex with someone especially if it was someone other than your partner". i panic because of the due date (or due dates. there has been a few so i'm not really sure when baby will come) i've been given. that makes me doubt even more. then i question myself to death and it drives me crazy. i have the same routine of thoughts constantly obsessing and floating around my head. i make up irrational thoughts in my mind of "what ifs". think of things that are completely untrue and i freak myself out. then i research on the internet and that fuels my doubting even more. i don't know what to think. me and my boyfriend had been having consistent unprotected sex for years (at least 3) before i finally got pregnant. i have had issues with ovarian cysts (a big one) for years so i have no clue if that has or had any effect on fertility besides maybe irregular ovulation / periods at various times. my doubtful side says - why did it work now? how come you didn't get pregnant earlier? is there something wrong with him or you? that fuels me to question (with no basis. i literally think of things that make no sense) maybe it isn't his because this whole time you didn't get pregnant but you do now. it's a scary thought. but why? i love him and wouldn't cheat on him, not now, not even in our worst of times. i even have letters i've written him during a time where he went to jail for domestic violence on me and they all say how much i miss / love him. i don't know why i confuse myself so much to the point where i almost convince myself that it's someone elses baby. it's like a sick twisted self fulfilling prophecy or something that leaves me in an almost full out anxiety attack and crying like crazy (that coupled with the hormones is not a good combination lol). i just can't get these thoughts out of my head. i realize i need to talk to someone. posting on here helps me to get it out instead of keeping it locked in. i've always wanted to have a baby with my boyfriend .. since forever lol. this pregnancy was unplanned but a complete blessing that is until my mind and anxiety go into over drive to the point i don't even know which thoughts are real anymore. in the beginning of the pregnancy i didn't doubt at all he was the dad (after all why would i? he's the only person i've slept with on over 4 years). but as time went on and my due date changed and i researched entirely too much online i got confused. the conception date they gave me did not match up with when my boyfriend was around ... there was a 2 week time period where he was in jail and we didn't have sex. and it freaked me out because ultrasounds are oh so accurate but not really. ugh it's confusing. i think "what if i really did get pregnant then?" .. then i realize you can't get pregnant if you don't have sex (which i didn't for those 2 weeks) so i had to have concieved after the fact. i'm weird i know.

there is something seriously wrong with me it's ok you can tell by my rambling .... thanks for reading! respond if you'd like .... i'd like to know what you think.

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 15, 2012 at 12:15 AM
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barnie2008
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 12:24 AM

I think you need to take a deep breath and chill!!! I had a panic attack just reading this!! It sounds like you need some anxiety meds or maybe do some yoga. You say there's no possible way that your baby is someone else's so why worry about it. Just calm down, it's not good for the baby!

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