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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My daughter has no patience with her autistic brother.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 23 Replies

My 18 year old son is autistic but he is able to do things on his own, have friends and do school work with normal kids. He just has trouble understanding things like numbers, moves slowly when doing things with his hands and feet and rocks back forth while moving his hands and such. Anyways my daughter is 16 and has no patience with him. If he is taking a while to move out of her way in the hall way or put on his shoes she will stand right next to him and rush him along. Their only chores during the week are to clean the kitchen up after school. It takes him some time to do it and she will get so frustrated with him and will end up pushing him out of the way or snatching things from him to get it done. Oh and with the hands thing. He will sit in a rocking chair and rock back and forth very suddenly and kind of smack his fingers together(hard to explain) she gets so bothered by it and begs him(in a rude way) to sit still for 2 seconds. 

I don't know what to do. I hate to say it but she is very uptight. She likes things to be done right when orders are given and will freak out if we are late leaving the house. She doesn't like chaos and our house is chaotic. My stepson(17) has learning disabilities and I've been dealing with trying to get my daughter homeschooled because she is sick all the time. So its never dull around here. any advice would be great to get her to calm down a little bit with her brother. 

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:02 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Sunshine257
by Ruby Member on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:06 AM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:07 AM


Quoting Sunshine257:

BUMP!

Thanks

BekkieBoodle
by on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:09 AM
:( sorry about your situation.... I don't have any advice but here's a Bump :)
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DeathGoddess
by Bronze Member on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:11 AM

Sit down and have an open and honest conversation with her...explain to her why he does what he does and she makes him feel. My kids are 8 (daughter) and 11 (son-asperger's). We have always been very frank with our daughter, we DO have high expectations of our son, but at the same time understand that there are some "quirks"  he just can't help. And i explain it to my daughter like that, he can't help it anymore than you can help sneezing, learn to deal with it, or excuse yourself from the room b/c he is doing the best he can.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:11 AM


Quoting BekkieBoodle:

:( sorry about your situation.... I don't have any advice but here's a Bump :)

thank you, i appreciate it!

lovelyladybump
by Tasha on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:13 AM
I used to babysit for a family similar to this. I would sit down and have a conversation with her about it. Find out why he aggravates her so much and figure out a way together to help her deal with the things that are bugging her. Sorry if im not much help
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:18 AM


Quoting DeathGoddess:

Sit down and have an open and honest conversation with her...explain to her why he does what he does and she makes him feel. My kids are 8 (daughter) and 11 (son-asperger's). We have always been very frank with our daughter, we DO have high expectations of our son, but at the same time understand that there are some "quirks"  he just can't help. And i explain it to my daughter like that, he can't help it anymore than you can help sneezing, learn to deal with it, or excuse yourself from the room b/c he is doing the best he can.

she knows he is autistic but she still expects a lot from him. It was never a problem until recently. Last year he got in to a car accident and hit is head on a window and it seems like his autism increased a bit after that. Not much though. If she went about things in a nicer way, it would be fine. she pushes him because she thinks he can do better, he just isn't doing them. Either way its not really her place to push him. That's my job. We've sat down and talked about it a few times and she still comes back with "he can do those things, he just doesn't want to because he's lazy" and he is sometimes, he will play dumb because he knows his step brother or my daughter or myself will take over to just get things done. That being said I know there are times where he is really trying and just can't get things done like others can. And that's when her pushiness bothers me. 

sheramom4
by Ruby Member on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this

I think a good part of this is her age. At 16 they can have empathy, but at the same time, its a total "me me me" age and her overall personality, which sounds like she is very much a leader and gets easily frustrated when things cannot be done the "right" way. I know because I am the same way (the personality part) and it took me quite a bit to not get frustrated with my little one with learning disabilities as well as my ADHD daughter and disabled husband. I love them and I understand that they have special circumstances, but I also have to stand back and try to to force things to be my way and I am almost 34 :). My 16 year old son is verry similar. He would rather push his sisters (not literally, they are quite a bit younger than him) out of the way and do it himself (while frustrated) then wait for them to do it in the way that works for them. He hates being late as well.

Is there any way that each child could be responsible for one part of the chore? I find this works for us. My son is in charge of the dishes and it more than welcome to do the dishes quicky and efficiently in his way and then he has to back off from the way the rest of the kids are doing their part. If it takes his sister 45 minutes to complete the sweeping and mopping, so be it. I would love for them to all work together, and some times they can, but I find that thier different needs and personalities sometimes make this more stressful on me. I also give my son permission to leave his chore and come back to it if he finds his special needs siblings too much to handle at the time and make sure he has plenty of outlets in order to decompress. Just some thoughts, not sure if they would work or are even workable....

Roo1234
by Platinum Member on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:21 AM

Not everyone is born with empathy and compassion.  Some have to learn it over time, some have to be told time and time again until they "get" it, and (unfortunately) some never have it. 

At her age she is old enough to be sat down and told that the world doesn not work the way she wants it to and that not everyone can be the way she wants them to be and it is high time for her to understand that and made a CONSIOUS effort to not get angry with those who cannot be "just like her."  It will serve her well in her future if she learns this now.  She needs to --as we say in our home--"practice her patience" and become tolerant.  She needs to remember that the things he doesn't aren't done to annoy her, but because they can't be helped.  Yelling and agitating him will only make things worse and it is HER RESPONSIBILITY to find an appropriate reaction to his actions.  You can't change others, you can only change yourself.

sassyscorpio85
by Bronze Member on Jan. 29, 2012 at 11:24 AM

 I think she just has Teenage Syndrome... but I would look in to getting her counseling just so she has someone that's not you or your DH to vent to.  She may feel that your time is spent more with DS and SS. Good Luck

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