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Rejection makes me do crazy things...how can I stop?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 31 Replies

From about the time I was in 3rd grade I was the kid who was always "picked on" in school. I was made fun of, picked last in gym, sat alone at lunch in both grade school and junior high and when it got to junior high it turned into threats I was going to get beat up. I ended up switching from public to private school in high school and though I made a few friends my knack for creating people who "disliked" me outnumbered those who did. I wasn't fat, I wasn't a nerd, I just lacked proper social skills and self confidence and people could sense it right away. I have been accused of not thinking before I talk and hurting people's feelings (without meaning to) talking too much, not being sensitive to others needs or wants, I complain too much, I'm a bitch...etc. Things never got better as I got older and my school days are a part of my life that hurt me deeply to think about and I'd rather forget them altogether. Unfortunately the scars and the lack of self confidence remain. I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and I STILL have trouble making or keeping friends and significant others.
My mother and I have a very turbulent relationship on top of it, she is my biggest critic no matter what the situation. When I tell her how my past affects me today she tells me to get over it and that I have the power to change things and just don't want to. Well now I have found a new way of dealing with the pain, when someone rejects me I don't get SAD, I try to get EVEN, I lash out and try to hurt them as much as they have hurt me. I've burned so many bridges since the age of 20 (I'm 34 now) I can't even keep count. Now people call me crazy and psycho. I have never PHYSICALLY put my hands on anyone.
But for examples: I had just been divorced and was trying like hell to put my life back together and a guy who was my friend at first tried like hell to get me to move in with him, we began a relationship and then he dumped me after my daughter and I lived with him for a little over a year and went back to his girlfriend who was 21 years older, I came back to the house when he wasn't home and took all the money from a jar he and I had been saving for a trip, took some clothes and movies of his and left the place a wreck. He told everyone I was a nut. A friend set me up with another guy who used me and fooled me into thinking he really liked me then he began to act distant after 3 months and kept blowing me off, never explaining why.  I found out he was secretly a crossdresser who liked to sleep with strange men he invited to his house and I found the pictures of him dressed in women's clothing, I told all his friends and posted the pictures on the internet. He told everyone I was crazy.
I overheard my half sister telling someone what a pain in the ass I was and how much she really couldn't stand me, so I exposed an affair she was having to her husband and mother in law. Yes, she really was having an affair, I did not make it up. We haven't talked in over a year. And these are just in the last 5 years. I basically "lose it" every time someone rejects me and try to "make them pay" in the worst possible way I can for hurting me. Am I doomed to be like this from now on? I've tried counseling and medication and nothing has worked yet! I hate the person I've become and they say how can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself?

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 8, 2012 at 1:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
wrensong
by Pagan Mother on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:05 PM

 Try counseling again. You have a lot of deep issues from your past and you need a professional to help you work thru them.

The fact that you realize there is a problem and want to change is a good sign. I wish you the best

parentalrights1
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:06 PM

I understand what you mean when you say you were socially awkward and people could sense it and you also were told alot that you were hurtful to others. When you go your whole life being mistreated and only being shown that people will be mean to you when you interact with them, it's really difficult to learn appropriate social behaviors and you can unintentially do things that turn others off or hurt them. It's hard for others to understand and it's not your fault.

The problems you are having now you can change. You recognize them. Seek therapy. You have to make a concious decision to change. You do have the power to change yourself and you are an adult who is aware of your problems so in away it is your responsibility now. This is where forgiveness and not playing the victim comes in. You have to make the decision to stop. I know you said you did counseling already, but I'd suggest keeping it up. You have the power to change it and you have to choose to do it.

ivylynn0711
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:09 PM
I agree I think u should seek counseling again. Atleast u see what's wrong n want to change it I wish u the best hope everything gets better
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:10 PM

I think you have difficulty realizing that people don't owe you anything. I want to do stuff like you do, and I have. Your life is what you make it and it doesn't get any simpler than that. You need to reinvent yourself and get out of the past. You are still holding on to things children did to you. Any time someone hurts you, you fall right back into that same dark hole that was created a long time ago. You see that you have a problem so be happy because now you can start over and say NO MORE!!

singletiredmom
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:10 PM

Totally, this....

Quoting wrensong:

 Try counseling again. You have a lot of deep issues from your past and you need a professional to help you work thru them.

The fact that you realize there is a problem and want to change is a good sign. I wish you the best


TempestRayne
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:13 PM
Have you ever been evaluated for Aspergers? Some of the things you are saying areclassic signs.
briesmomisback
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 2:16 PM
Are you a Pisces? You kinda sound like me. I do that all the time and our life sounds very similar. Pm if you ever want to talk.
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ReadWriteLuv
by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 7:44 PM
Holy shit, remind me to never piss you off.

This kind of behavior is toxic, not just to other people, but yourself. I hope therapy helps. ;-(
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stacyemmy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 7:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I would try therapy again. I wish I could be like this but I always feel like I will reap no reward from hurting others. I feel like I just need to improve myself and make them wish they were still apart of my life.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:08 PM
I understand its toxic and I hate being this way but when someone hurts me intentionally, I just get this rage and I go with it because I feel its better than slinking away. What I do makes me feel better as I'm doing it but when the person just looks at me and others with wide eyes saying I'm crazy, I feel terrible.

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Holy shit, remind me to never piss you off.



This kind of behavior is toxic, not just to other people, but yourself. I hope therapy helps. ;-(
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