I can barely admit it to myself..

[GumDropDiva]

well my heart is pounding just writing this because i have never said it out loud , and really have a hard time admitting it to myself. But, lately i have been doing some self exploration because i have been a little depressed. ** ugghhh** i dont even want to type this. I think sharing it on the internet with my online friends will help me be able to talk about it later irl...

 

Well i married my HS sweet heart at 19 and he would "rape" me... I couldnt even type that without air quotes... WHY? because i didnt fight him back.. i didnt push him away.. so how can that be rape. Well the more i grow and re0run these times in my head over and over I feel so emotionally hurt and damaged.

I want to share one incident that i remember most vividly. He was military so we were in his barracks ( he was in school) and we were cuddling and making out and blah blah... well he wanted to have sex. I said NO. but he didnt stop, and i didnt stop him... i remember saying i dont want to and no more than once ... i wasnt laughing i wasnt joking... but he just kept going.

at this point is where its so hard for me to talk about it.. i did not raise a finger to stop him. i feel so ashamed for just laying there and crying...

I remember the tears just streaming from my eyes... and asking him to stop. and he didnt he finished... and he saw me crying... it was the most.... sadly intense moment of my life... I felt so disrespected by the one person who i was supposed to trust, love and depend on, he was supposed to keep me safe...

life went on as normal, i didnt say a word, he never apologized... but after that we spiralled. We started fighting. he moved i didnt go... i started drugs ( not an addict) , became a mild alcoholic... and started cheating. finally divorced....

Ive never confronted him, and never will we dont talk and i dont have a desire too... my DH

 doesnt know... no one does... i dont even know if he knows what he did and made me feel like...

this is the first time im sharing this and its hard to even share it here where people dont know me. Part of me feels like im exaggerating, how could it be rape when i didnt even defend myself? I dunno maybe i am... but i felt like he took advantage of me and our relationship and he didnt respect me... i feel so dirty for just laying there... and the not saying anything after..

anyways... i want to tell my Dh but i just dont know how... i am so embarrased. :(

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. I have had a similar problem. I'm not sure what to do about it.

[GumDropDiva]

this happened in 2007

[Ber-Lynn]

I am sure your dh will understand hun. It was rape if you said no and stop, it doesn't matter if you didn't fight you still said NO!

[Anonymous]

Guys can't read minds. You should have been more straight up about not wanting to have sex with him. I just don't understand.

[Anonymous]

i thought the same thing when one of my ex boyfriends did it to me. The worst was he went down stairs and told his brother i wanted him to do it to me. So i thought the same thing that maybe i wanted it and it couldent have been rape because i didnt defend myself. It wasnt intil i was talking to my daughters father what happend and he had to tell me it was rape that was when i realized what really happend. You just tell DH dont be embarrased you didnt do anything wrong. It's harder when it's someone we trust and care for because we dont want to beleave they would do something like that to us...

[Anonymous]

if you said no it was rape sweetie dont be ashamed maybe you were scared to fight it probably would have made it worse... i have been in youe shoes but not a bf... some days are better than others i told my babys father and he makes jokes about it because he is uncomfortable about it i wish i had never told him

[Ihereainti]

I am posting non anon.. It hs happened to me as well, and I suspect many Other ladies

[GumDropDiva]

i probably could have pushed him off, your right... i just felt like i couldnt he was my husband.. i dunno its all so confusing i just remember feeling so hurt by it.. he didnt care i was crying.

Quoting Anonymous:

Guys can't read minds. You should have been more straight up about not wanting to have sex with him. I just don't understand

[southernchick06]

You could let him read what you wrote. Im sure he will understand. Im sorry you went through that. Maybe talking to your dh will help you sort through your feeling. Good luck

[kendalelorraine]

 Seriously? What do you think "no" means? I seriously can't believe you would say something so blaming.  Even if you feel that way keep it to yourself... she's obviously hurting.

Quoting Anonymous:

Guys can't read minds. You should have been more straight up about not wanting to have sex with him. I just don't understand.