I am sure I am going to get bashed to hell but VERY LONG skim and scan if you like
- 76 Replies
Okay let me start by saying that I know some of you ladies are high strung so I am prepared to be bashed and called names via anon. I am posting this anonymous for obvious reasons.
In the last 10 years, I have been a bit of a wild child. I had sex with a lot of people and did a lot of things I am not proud of. So in 2008, I started a relationship with a guy who I thought was awesome. He gave me Herpes (which I would not find out until later) and I got Bacterial Vaginosis (sp) and it caused an infection in my bladder that I now have almost 4 years later. This is important to my story.
So fast forward to 2009, I lost my job in March and started eating a lot. I had all kinds of medical issues. The biggest one was my acid reflux. It caused my adnoids (sp) to swell and again 3 years later they are still swollen and no one wants to take them out (again relevant to the story). I also found out about my PCOS. And was told that it was so bad I had a 0-10% chance of having kids. Which I already figured because well like I said I was a wild child and had a lot of sex unprotected. I cant go back and change it so whatever. Anyway, I lost a lot of weight met a new guy (I broke up with the other one around the time I lost my job) and I got my life back. I was still active in my job search and still am even though my overactive bladder is a problem.
Okay now back to my story, I got pregnant in January. I didnt even know I could get pregnant or think it was possible but it was and I knew my daughter was a gift from God (I know not everyone believes in God so just humor me. Thanks). So I had her. Her father said he would help and for my whole pregnancy and the first 10 months he didnt really help do anything. I did everything. Every single thing 75% by myself because I had friends and family who helped me. He works but he also takes care of his other kids so we are really stretched thin.
Okay, so I had baby in October and all hell broke loose. Its seem like my mental state and just general health is going down hill. My daughter annoys the crap out of me. All she does is whine and whine. I love her so much. I do. I would never want another daughter so please dont mistake that for anything. She is a true blessing to me but some days, I just cant deal with her. She doesnt listen to me at all. Nothing works. I stay consistent with my discipline and nothing works. She will be 2 soon and I cant get her to stop touching anything. I feel so helpless when it comes to her. No one wants to watch her because they say she is so bad. She just doesnt listen at all.
Now, house related. Im not going into too much detail because then you will probably know who I am but anyway, we have been fighting bedbugs for months. Im killing 1-20 of them a night. We have been dealing with them for 2 years now. The landlord hired some drunk ass exterminator who came in and sprayed water around (it smelled just like sugar water if you know what that smells like) and made the problem worse. The roaches are out of control now. Seriously out of control. Cooking, bathing, anything you are bound to see like 20-40 roaches in that area. Its fucking nasty.
Okay to go somewhere else for a second. Me and SO have not been the best of gf/bf. He annoys me. He drives me nuts and I think he is cheating. I have the girls number but I dont want to be that obsessed women. I know in my heart he is but I just dont want to find out because if I did I probably would have called her.
Now, that I got all that stuff out the way, I just wanted to say this. I am sick of my life. Absolutely sick of it. Everyday I wake up and I wish that I didnt or if I do wake up happy its because I know Im not going to be around SO or DD at all. I just want this life to get easier. I live in fear everyday that I will be pushed to the brink and really do hurt myself. My Overactive bladder makes it so hard for me to accept some jobs in other places because I am afraid to use the bathroom on myself. I have Tenas and I have medicine the Dr gave me but I feel like I would be embarassed if I peed on myself on transportation. And the medicine makes you mouth dry. So I would not be making saliva which I need desperately because of my adnoids being swollen. I know it sounds like I am making excuses and I really am not. I have worked since I was 12 and this is the longest I have been out of work and I feel like a nobody. Like I am just nothing. I dont know what else to do. I feel like I am trapped in a mental hell and Im too scared that I am going to pee on myself to go see psychiatrist.
I cant keep holding all this stuff in so I decided to just get it all out. Again, I am sure I am going to be bashed a lot and thats fine. I will not be answering questions a lot because I am sensitive right now but if I keep holding it in, I am going to be even worse. So if you made it this far thank you. I appreciate you listening and I look for any advice you can give me. If you have OAB and know a good medicine that would be absolutely great. Thanks much everyone. Oh and I am 100% not a troll if anyone thinks that. I am simply not going to say who I am to get bashed all day long. Thank you.
Quoting Anonymous:
Hi I'm going to be honest I have a 2 year old and she is the same way but this is how they learn so chill and take a breath now this sounds messed up but I truly feel that if you ever get to stressed and would hurt her its better you hurt Your self than her I'm sorry but I feel if you don't get help you should hurt you before her.
I would never ever hurt my beautiful little girl. Ever. No matter how mad she makes me. I would pass her to someone else before I do that. I am not in human. But I do understand what you are saying. I would rather hurt myself before I did anything to a child who is innocent.
I read the entire thing hun, but I just don't have any advice other than to go see a doc about getting your meds changed, and getting on something for anxiety and depression. As for your daughter, it's just her being a typical 2 yr old. I learned that the hard way my self hun. 2 yr olds can be very difficult. She is learning to express her self and she is learning what she can get away with. The only way she is going to learn that is by pushing every little button she can possibly push. I know it's hard mama, but stick in there. This too shall pass! Nothing is ever to hard for us to handle. You believe in God right? Well think of what Mother Theresa (sp?) "God won't give me anything I can't handle, sometimes I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much." As for you and your SO, it sounds like you two need a good heart to heart. If you need to talk, message me. I'll be around. God bless mama!
Mother to Alexander. Edwyn is due in March/April <3
Happy Memorial Day.
