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I'm considering leaving DH and not taking my kids.*UPDATE**UPDATE 2**

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I know society frowns upon mothers who leave their kids behind,but they have a good lifestyle with DH,a great house,private schools,and (I'm sure this will get me more bashings still)a nanny.I can't afford that life for them right now,I'm unemployed and I need to get on my feet first,get a job,my own place,etc

DH isn't abusive,and he used to be a very good dad,I just can't be with him anymore,everyday in this house kills me a little bit more,I don't like him,I'm falling out of love with him.I want a divorce so badly,so urgently...I'm just hoping that one day my kids won't judge me too harshly for this.It won't be permanent.


Thank you to everyone who replied,I know it was sometimes frustrating thinking I "won't take your advice",its hard to explain the situation you live in to a 3rd person,especially over the net,there's obviously a lot I haven't stated,how could I?its too much.

And to the ones who said "bad mom,selfish bitch,you don't deserve kids etc"you don't make me feel bad,because nothing you said was true,SO I just rolled my eyes at your tantrums,and moved along to more constructive posts.

As a mom,I can understand where a lot of you are coming from,but I can't act on my emotions alone,I have to be realistic,its hard realizing that the best place for my kids might not be with me for now,that I might have to let go a little bit to strengthen all our futures.

Lastly,I'm moving 2 hours away,first month,then look for a place close to their school and house,first month I'd drive to be with them several times a week,and after I get a place closer to them,I can continue to pick them up from school everyday and spend afternoons with them,while I don't work,if I find a job,I'll still see them after work,and during holidays.<
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Thank you again,I've seen such amazing women in this post,that have given me food for thought,some have even made me really hope for my marriage to work,I didn't have the slightest interest in that when I started this post,I enjoyed reading the stories of those women,I wish I could have read many more stories of getting through the tough times in marriage.

There others I would like to thank are the ones with stories from their childhoods,and those with alternate suggestions,I was in such a dark place when I wrote this post,now I see that my options are not as limited as I thought.

I expected to be so bashed,I was surprised at the compassion,even from moms who didn't agree with me.Thank you moms.
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Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 19, 2012 at 3:00 AM
Replies (91-100):
by on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:18 PM
1 mom liked this

I could never leave my son behind. My mother left my brother and I with my dad just so she could "get on her feet" and she NEVER got us back. The courts don't look to kindly on a mother who leaves her kids. If you do it you may never have custody of them again. Is that something you're prepared to face? Personally I'd rather struggle through it with my kids rather than risk losing them. 

by Anonymous 17 on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:23 PM
1 mom liked this

I couldn't agree more!!

My SIL just got custody of her son solely based on that she is his mom.  She is far from the best place for him.  She has already lost custody of both her sons to their dads.  One of that fathers passed away so she got a free pass out of prison (got out early for good behavior with no parole after she was denied parole a few months earlier, they felt she should get out since she was all her son had left even if she was back in prison on felony meth charges.. again).  He was yanked from my FIL home where he was happy, safe, and well cared for. (( She only went after him so she could get the P.A. he would come with (she could only get housing, cash assistance, a car grant, and food assistance if she has a dependent) plus he comes with a $1200 a month SS check.  She has no car, drivers license, job, or anything.  Yet she somehow has tons of money to buy herself a brand new wardrobe after getting out.. and Im talking ed hardy, lucky brand etc.. and she always has new clothes, new cell phones,  $300 purses and shoes))  She has him living in a dumpy trailer with her three other felon friends she met in prison, their kids (who are mean to him) and their boyfriends (which one of the boyfriends is abusive to her roommate and her room mates kids, and they fight all the time) ( I think there are at least 10 or so people living in this tiny ran down trailer)  He comes and stays weekends with my FIL and just sleeps ALL weekend.  He has lost a ton of weight, you can see the pain in his eyes everytime you look at him.  The whole situation is really really heartbreaking!  My FIL is paying out the butt in layer fee's trying to get him back with a slim to non chance of actually getting him back.  In a long drawn out process.  Because the state feels no matter all these complaints, she is his bio mother and should be given a million chances to try to do the right thing.

Now Im not saying in anyway that you are anything like that.  Im just giving an example that a moms love is not all kids need to all the haters out there.  I really wish my SIL would do the right thing and realize she is not the place for him.  It is very brave of you to be able to leave your kids behind till you can better take care of them.

Quoting AlexisGrace88:

People are cruel! I think its awesome that you are thinking of your children before yourself. You never said you are happy you are leaving your children, it is going to hurt you that you will not be with them. I do not get how people can say they would take their children from the nice living situation, from their school, from their friends to go somewhere that isnt even going to be permanant...take them form their schools and home to move around to diff schools and to diff places which may or may not even be safe? THAT IS SELFISH! I would understand them judging IF you were leaving for ever or they werent living in a safe environment. But you are talking about them staying temporarily having them stay with their father so that they can stay in their known living situation with their friends and same school, so that they dont have to have some negative dramatic life changing experience. They would not be happy with you if you took them and put them in trailor like some person was saying. stupid. I moved around so much as a child, thats not good for kids! dont listen to these other people that would rather have their kids live ina cardboard box then stay with someone else because THEY cant handle not having their kids with them. Tell me who is being selfish there!? Sometimes a mothers love is NOT all that is needed. If you cannot support them like they need, then having them temporarily stay where they are already comfortable would be fine! I hope none of these other ladies ever get in a situation like this, or else good luck to their kids.

by on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:24 PM
1 mom liked this
I can understand your situation, my mother did this to my father, and left my little brother behind. I was already out of the house at that point. My father was unbearable to be around, he had a horrible temper and was never wrong, he was very dictatorial, but my mom left without any warning and never gave him an explanation, she was afraid to criticize him even though he never hurt her, he was intimidating though. Her actions hurt him terribly. He was in reality very depressed and stressed out and was taking it out on the family, he became even more depressed but it taught him a lot about how to treat people.

It sounds like life's hardships have taken their toll on both of you. You are both working and making sacrifices for your kids. You both sound depressed. Men typically display depression as irritability, not sadness. You could at least tell him the way you feel, and what you would like to do, and why. Give him time to reflect and you two can decide together what's best. Maybe just a separation for a time, maybe marriage counseling, that's a lot less work than a divorce. But if you do decide to leave, don't make promises to your kids because you don't know what your future holds. It's good that you are thinking of their well-being and you don't want to turn their whole world upside down, but it might be a good idea to try one night away in a hotel or at a friends to think about how it feels to follow through with that first.
by on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:27 PM

 my mom left when she lost custody of us and my little brother has never learned to forgive her..he HATES her with a passion. It still bothers me as well but i try to include her in my kids life as well as mine. Just giving you a prospective from someone whose mom did what you are talking about doing. Good luck.

ps im not trying to judge you so please dont be upset.

by on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:29 PM

 My mom divorced my dad & left us girls with him.  I was 3 & my sister was 5.  30 years later we both STILL think she is a selfish bitch who had no business having children.  Just wanted to give you a little glimps into what your kids will think of you down the road....

by on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:29 PM
1 mom liked this
If nothing else works, this is a great answer.

Quoting Anonymous:

Sometimes motherhood calls us to be completely unselfish. If you know you can't care for them right now, then you are making the right choice. Just make sure you can visit with them often and let them know it isn't their fault. Please keep a good relationship with your ex. My parents were still best friends after their divorce and as such I didn't suffer from it in the slightest.
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by Anonymous 18 on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:30 PM
I could never leave my sons id take them everywhere anywhere with me and i may get bashed for this but i dont look down on u why ? Because u know whats best for ur kids and u know u have a problem and are looking for a way out while keeping everyone's wellbeing in mind :) gl :)
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by on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:31 PM
I agree with this, too. It's very selfless of you to not uproot the children from a good life for the poor one you'll have at first, but maybe you can have them on the weekends...?

Quoting iloveconan:

If he has a nice income, you may be able to get some alimony. That could put you in a position where you could at least share custody. Sounds like a sad situation.
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by Ruby Member on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:33 PM

Have you talked to him about this? Told him you are thinking of leaving? I will not tell you whether or not to stay in your marriage. That is for you to decide. But I will tell you that leaving your kids behind can scar them. I work with children and they internalize a lot of their parent's actions and blame themselves. Unless you kids aare selfish uncaring brats, they would probably choose mommy over school nannies and a big house.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 19, 2012 at 1:34 PM


None of us have anything to do with her. She lost everything, her home jobs and she has no family now. She has met my kids once in the last 6 years.

Quoting raegansmom:

 My mom divorced my dad & left us girls with him.  I was 3 & my sister was 5.  30 years later we both STILL think she is a selfish bitch who had no business having children.  Just wanted to give you a little glimps into what your kids will think of you down the road....

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