I am a lesbian who married a man! (long but need advice)
All my life I have been attracted to woman. (since I could remember) My firsts where all with girls. I hide me liking girls til I was about 15 and I came out that I was bisexual. But only close close friends knew. I dated guys so people at school would think I was straight, at 16 a girl told my whole very small school talking about 500 kids in high school. And I was bullied and picked on and just terrified. So dated a man once a gain and I had my first daughter, if I had to play the part I had to have sex. I kept dating men and than I came around my husband who doesn't mind me being "bi" But since the 5 month we started dating I confessed to him that I am so much more attracted to woman than anything else he cried. I have such a soft spot with it, its hard for me to deal with it. I have two daughters. One from my first daughter father and with him. I didn't have sex with a lot of men, and I was trying to be careful. I've had sex with more woman than men. I never could keep a relationship with a man cause I always cheated on men with a women. I am trying so hard not to cheat on my husband. I love him and care about him. He thinks of me as the best thing that ever happened to him. He truly loves me. I'm scared to hurt him. I don't wanna do that. He doesn't want me to have any woman on the side and he doesn't want me to leave. But I feel like I am always mad at him and I sometimes freak out on him cause hes not a woman. When I see men with their shirts off I just wanna put the damn shirt back on, but when I see woman in their bras or even a tight shirt I feel butterflies and tingles. I love my husband, he is my best friend, I care about him. But I don't think its I'm in love with you kinda deal. I feel more like hey your my best friend I will do anything for you, be there for you....kinda deal. He refuses to go to gay pride festivals, and do anything like that with me. Sometimes I feel like he is trying to turn me straight. I am not sure what to even do. I feel lost and confused. I feel like I should be happy with being a lesbian and get a divorce, but than my children love him so much. I would hate to ruin their life cause mommy wanted to go be a lesbian. I feel like I failed so much. I'm depressed, mad, and I hate myself. But I don't let anyone know these things. I've talked to so many lesbian girls about this, and the one wanted to date me, and she is my friend. I see her and I just wanna kiss her. Ugh. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes. Why does it suck so bad...when it comes to this. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I thought the stupid feelings would go away...but they suck and I hate them. I hate being in the middle of this...and putting my husband through this and my kids. How could I do this. =| I am nothing but a failure.