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Eating Disorder Mentality

Posted by on Feb. 25, 2012 at 7:46 PM
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When I was a teen, I struggled with an eating disorder. Anorexia. I would refuse to eat for days and days because I felt like I was fat, and I hated myself. I lost weight and lost weight and got tiny. Finally, my parents helped me to start eating again. But still the hatred and self consciousness stayed inside of me. Then, one summer I lost 35 pounds in 3 months. I was 16. My entire family freaked out and were very worried about me. So it was more of the same, then I got healthy. 

Well, all of that messing with my body and losing weight and what not has caused me some lasting problems. For one, my period is irregular. I have it maybe every 3 months. For 2, I have gained so much weight. I have developed diverticulitis as well as some gallbladder issues. I am to the point where I cannot bear to even look at myself. Every time I eat, I want to throw it back up. When I do get sick (which happens sometimes because of my gallbladder problems) I get happy. 

I went from a size 3 to a size 12. I am 21 years old. I am married. My husband loves me. He always has. He tells me I'm beautiful he tells me he loves me. But I still hate myself. We dont have sex very often. He turns me down. He says it makes him feel insecure because I take longer than him to orgasm and then whenever he orgasms he cannot get hard again.

I tried healthy dieting. I did a really good job for a while, dieting and excersizing for 3 or 4 months. When that didnt work, I quickly fell into the unhealthy side of it, starving myself once again. I really try not to even think about it.

These thoughts have been consuming me lately. I compare myself to everyone.

I just want to let it out and love myself (even if I am big) 

by on Feb. 25, 2012 at 7:46 PM
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Replies (1-4):
bullemhead
by Platinum Member on Feb. 25, 2012 at 8:03 PM

 Losing the weight will be hard, no doubt about it. What you have done with your eating disorder is cause your body and metabolism to go in to starvation mode and slow considerably from years of starvation. Now your body clings to every calorie you take in. This is common after recovery from an eating disorder. You need to get counseling going and keep it ongoing and maybe see a nutrtionist who specializes in eating disorders. Good luck.

LouieBoo
by on Feb. 25, 2012 at 8:29 PM

Thanks. You are probably right. I just get afraid that dieting is going to make me spiral

Quoting bullemhead:

 Unfortunately, because you have had an eating disorder, your body has gone in to starvation mode and now clings to every calorie you take in. First of all, if you aren't seeing a counselor, you should and secondly, see if you can be referred to a dietitian that specializes in eating disorders. They are very knowledgeable about what happens after struggling with eating disorders. It is more difficult to lose the weight gained after overcoming an eating disorder. I hate to hear you are going back to starving yourself. Nip it in the bud now, before you are fully engrossed again in starving yourself. Get your hubby involved in counseling with you. It sounds like the issues the two of you have, stem more from your self esteem issues than anything else. I wish you well and good luck.


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 25, 2012 at 8:36 PM
I have had the same issues. What makes it worse is that my dh doesn't like big girls. He is constantly staring at skinny chicks... When I ordered my elliptical I said 'now maybe I can lose weight and you will like me again' he didn't say anything. I have started back in to not wanting to eat. When I do eat I want to throw it back up. If I am in a situation where I can get away to the bathroom without one of my girls, I do go make myself throw up... Maybe then I can lose the 30 lbs and my husband won't stare at everything that walks by...
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livnbyfaith
by Bronze Member on Feb. 25, 2012 at 8:36 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My daugter suffers from Bulemia and struggles daily. I will keep you in my prayers. Hope you get better soon.

 

 

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