When I was a teen, I struggled with an eating disorder. Anorexia. I would refuse to eat for days and days because I felt like I was fat, and I hated myself. I lost weight and lost weight and got tiny. Finally, my parents helped me to start eating again. But still the hatred and self consciousness stayed inside of me. Then, one summer I lost 35 pounds in 3 months. I was 16. My entire family freaked out and were very worried about me. So it was more of the same, then I got healthy.
Well, all of that messing with my body and losing weight and what not has caused me some lasting problems. For one, my period is irregular. I have it maybe every 3 months. For 2, I have gained so much weight. I have developed diverticulitis as well as some gallbladder issues. I am to the point where I cannot bear to even look at myself. Every time I eat, I want to throw it back up. When I do get sick (which happens sometimes because of my gallbladder problems) I get happy.
I went from a size 3 to a size 12. I am 21 years old. I am married. My husband loves me. He always has. He tells me I'm beautiful he tells me he loves me. But I still hate myself. We dont have sex very often. He turns me down. He says it makes him feel insecure because I take longer than him to orgasm and then whenever he orgasms he cannot get hard again.
I tried healthy dieting. I did a really good job for a while, dieting and excersizing for 3 or 4 months. When that didnt work, I quickly fell into the unhealthy side of it, starving myself once again. I really try not to even think about it.
These thoughts have been consuming me lately. I compare myself to everyone.
I just want to let it out and love myself (even if I am big)