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My confession: I can't be aggressive

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 6:35 AM
  • 90 Replies
Hi,.since you ladies are brutally honest in here, I thought I would try my luck to see if I get any advice from many of you. Thanks in advance for taking a moment to reply.

Here it goes...My SO and I have been together for 5 years in July. We are in couples therapy and he said he wants me to show him that I love him more. Okay, now I send him e-cards a few times a week to tell him that I love him and appreciate everything he does. I also will surprise him with roses regularly and tell him what the different colors mean. That's not enough though.

He wants me to be aggressive and jump his bones and I can't do it because I am just not that kind of woman. I feel he is so wrong to ask me to do something that I haven't done our whole relationship. I feel we shouldn't be together if that is so important for him to have from his partner. Or am I wrong? I do wear costumes and lover role playing, but not the aggressive roles.

He also told me no when I did try 4 years ago and my feelings were so hurt, I can't get myself to try again. He said he was joking but no means no to me so I stopped.

Are my feelings valid? I do love him and I feel it shouldn't be that important because I do other things well. We all have areas that need to be improved or tough things to work on. At least he is still getting some and I haven't withheld the booty, lol.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions that may help me get past this or tell me if I should stick to my guns and not give in. Also I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby and his first son so I don't feel sexy and that is the furthest thing from my mind right now with all aches and pains I have going on.

Update
He says he does enjoy and looks forward to my cards and stuff but wants me to show him physically. He said if I can't jump his bones just yet that more kissing and rubbing would be nice so I can do that. I did tell him that when I hear sex and aggressive together it makes my palms sweat and I freeze up because I don't want to force myself on anyone. For those of you who have also been raped, I hope you can understand why I feel that way. It's not really forcing if he wants it but my brain isn't can't get lasting initial thoughts when I hear those two words together. Know what I mean? I appreciate all the comments, even the bitchy ones. I was hoping to look at this from another point of view because I feel that may help me, I got those today so thank you. For those who are saying he isn't asking for much, he was to me. Everyone has their struggles and this is one of mine. I may be excellent at public speaking and that may be something that is hard for you to do.
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by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 6:35 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Mychele
by Ruby Member on Mar. 4, 2012 at 6:47 AM
Does he really want you to jump on him or does he want you to initiate more ?
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misslady80013
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 6:53 AM
Jump on him. I do get it started often but I am not aggressive. I will just kiss him and tell him that I want him and stuff like that. I don't just walk up on him and rip his clothes off.

Quoting Mychele:

Does he really want you to jump on him or does he want you to initiate more ?
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Mar. 4, 2012 at 7:35 AM

Hi,.since you ladies are brutally honest in here, I thought I would try my luck to see if I get any advice from many of you. Thanks in advance for taking a moment to reply. You're welcome in advance...

Here it goes...My SO and I have been together for 5 years in July. We are in couples therapy and he said he wants me to show him that I love him more. That's Man Code for "You are Semi-Boring Pussy" Okay, now I send him e-cards a few times a week to tell him that I love him and appreciate everything he does. I also will surprise him with roses regularly and tell him what the different colors mean. That's not enough though.  No shit, men don't care about that crap,  most women I know don't care about that crap!

He wants me to be aggressive and jump his bones and I can't do it because I am just not that kind of woman. Um, what kind of woman is able to do that and what is missing within you that you "can;t" do that? I feel he is so wrong to ask me to do something that I haven't done our whole relationship. If he had asked you to start wearing giant diapers or dress up like Sonic the Hedgehog, that would be one thing, the man wants you to show some sexual enthusiasm, what's the dealio? I feel we shouldn't be together if that is so important for him to have from his partner. You guys have been together 5 years, in therapy and not married, there's probably an assload of reasons you should be together, you're just choosing THIS one. Or am I wrong? Yes, you're wrong. I do wear costumes and lover role playing, but not the aggressive roles. Again, WHY NOT?

He also told me no when I did try 4 years ago and my feelings were so hurt, I can't get myself to try again. He said he was joking but no means no to me so I stopped. There's a lot more to THAT part of the story that we're not hearing.

Are my feelings valid? Nope. I do love him and I feel it shouldn't be that important because I do other things well. So LEARN how!  It's not rocket surgery!  We all have areas that need to be improved or tough things to work on. At least he is still getting some and I haven't withheld the booty, lol. Well, you might as well be, you are flat-out refusing to even TRY here.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions that may help me get past this JUST FUCKING DO IT!!! or tell me if I should stick to my guns and not give in. Also I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby and his first son so I don't feel sexy and that is the furthest thing from my mind right now with all aches and pains I have going on. And that's fair enough, maybe right now isn't the best time to take on a sexual goal of this magnitude, but you don't want to take it on AT ALL.  What's the big deal?  He wants you to jump on him, so jump on him after your six-week appointment.  Quit saying that you "can't" do this, because that's a load of bullshit, of course you CAN do it, you just don't WANT to, for whatever reason you're choosing not to enlighten us with.  His request isn't all that challenging, just do it, forget about whatever the hell happened 4 years ago, get over yourself and do it.

whoda007
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 7:39 AM
1 mom liked this

If it makes you uncomfortable then don't do it. Comfort= Lots of DIRTY fun!!!!

mommasbabies77
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 7:41 AM
5 moms liked this
Op..anyone who would tell you your feelings aren't valid really shouldn't be giving advice.

Quoting Anonymous:

Hi,.since you ladies are brutally honest in here, I thought I would try my luck to see if I get any advice from many of you. Thanks in advance for taking a moment to reply. You're welcome in advance...

Here it goes...My SO and I have been together for 5 years in July. We are in couples therapy and he said he wants me to show him that I love him more. That's Man Code for "You are Semi-Boring Pussy" Okay, now I send him e-cards a few times a week to tell him that I love him and appreciate everything he does. I also will surprise him with roses regularly and tell him what the different colors mean. That's not enough though.  No shit, men don't care about that crap,  most women I know don't care about that crap!

He wants me to be aggressive and jump his bones and I can't do it because I am just not that kind of woman. Um, what kind of woman is able to do that and what is missing within you that you "can;t" do that? I feel he is so wrong to ask me to do something that I haven't done our whole relationship. If he had asked you to start wearing giant diapers or dress up like Sonic the Hedgehog, that would be one thing, the man wants you to show some sexual enthusiasm, what's the dealio? I feel we shouldn't be together if that is so important for him to have from his partner. You guys have been together 5 years, in therapy and not married, there's probably an assload of reasons you should be together, you're just choosing THIS one. Or am I wrong? Yes, you're wrong. I do wear costumes and lover role playing, but not the aggressive roles. Again, WHY NOT?

He also told me no when I did try 4 years ago and my feelings were so hurt, I can't get myself to try again. He said he was joking but no means no to me so I stopped. There's a lot more to THAT part of the story that we're not hearing.

Are my feelings valid? Nope. I do love him and I feel it shouldn't be that important because I do other things well. So LEARN how!  It's not rocket surgery!  We all have areas that need to be improved or tough things to work on. At least he is still getting some and I haven't withheld the booty, lol. Well, you might as well be, you are flat-out refusing to even TRY here.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions that may help me get past this JUST FUCKING DO IT!!! or tell me if I should stick to my guns and not give in. Also I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby and his first son so I don't feel sexy and that is the furthest thing from my mind right now with all aches and pains I have going on. And that's fair enough, maybe right now isn't the best time to take on a sexual goal of this magnitude, but you don't want to take it on AT ALL.  What's the big deal?  He wants you to jump on him, so jump on him after your six-week appointment.  Quit saying that you "can't" do this, because that's a load of bullshit, of course you CAN do it, you just don't WANT to, for whatever reason you're choosing not to enlighten us with.  His request isn't all that challenging, just do it, forget about whatever the hell happened 4 years ago, get over yourself and do it.

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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 4, 2012 at 7:48 AM
1 mom liked this

What about fake it till you make it?

You role play right? Pretend your someone else, come on to him, tease him, take the lead, talk dirty, etc.

I don't know if this is a good idea, but what about watching movies where the women is the aggressor to give you ideas?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Mar. 4, 2012 at 7:55 AM

Seriously?  HE WANTS HER TO JUMP ON HIM.  What's to be so freaked out about?  If he wanted her to bang some dude off Craigslist or beat the shit out of him with her high heel while screaming obscenities, then yeah, her feelings would be valid!  In this case, the only reason her feelings are valid at all is because she's uncomfortable with this very simple request.  Instead of examining why she has such issues demonstrating sexual enthusiasm, she's blaming her significant other and stating that she "can't" do this.  That doesn't help either person in this equation.

You guys shouldn't be blowing smoke up her ass.  You KNOW that her significan't other's request is perfectly reasonable and you should be encouraging her to do some introspection and discuss her difficulties with her therapist and significant other instead of just telling her she's right.  If you wanted your significant other to jump on you in the manner described, you'd think it was unreasonable for HIM to say he "can't do it because he's not that kind of person".  You'd expect some form of compromise, right?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 4, 2012 at 8:09 AM
1 mom liked this

Read this book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1881273156/ref%3Dasc_df_18812731561737711/%3Ftag%3Daskcom05el-20%26creative%3D394997%26creativeASIN%3D1881273156%26linkCode%3Dasn

Also, try talking to him again, he needs to meet you half way on this. Also, your pregnant, it's gonna be at least 2 months After the baby is born before your going to want it. This is normal. He needs to understand this and also realize that it is very temporary.

You both have different needs and you both need to find a way to compromise.   

mommasbabies77
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 8:59 AM
1 mom liked this
Dh does none of that to me..he'd like me to be more agressive as well. But I really can't..I can't bc I have been tortured with sex most of my life. And so my feelings aren't valid? No..you are wrong. All feelings have validity. And I'm thankful for a husband who gets it.

Quoting Anonymous:

Seriously?  HE WANTS HER TO JUMP ON HIM.  What's to be so freaked out about?  If he wanted her to bang some dude off Craigslist or beat the shit out of him with her high heel while screaming obscenities, then yeah, her feelings would be valid!  In this case, the only reason her feelings are valid at all is because she's uncomfortable with this very simple request.  Instead of examining why she has such issues demonstrating sexual enthusiasm, she's blaming her significant other and stating that she "can't" do this.  That doesn't help either person in this equation.


You guys shouldn't be blowing smoke up her ass.  You KNOW that her significan't other's request is perfectly reasonable and you should be encouraging her to do some introspection and discuss her difficulties with her therapist and significant other instead of just telling her she's right.  If you wanted your significant other to jump on you in the manner described, you'd think it was unreasonable for HIM to say he "can't do it because he's not that kind of person".  You'd expect some form of compromise, right?

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misslady80013
by on Mar. 4, 2012 at 10:35 AM
Thanks for answering my questions. I did explain why I can't because it's not me. I am not aggressive in the bedroom and he shouldn't expect it because that's not the kind of person he met. Like I said, I do other things like costumes, role play and new positions, etc. I just don't feel he should expect something that he hasn't gotten our whole relationship, that's all.

Quoting Anonymous:

Hi,.since you ladies are brutally honest in here, I thought I would try my luck to see if I get any advice from many of you. Thanks in advance for taking a moment to reply. You're welcome in advance...

Here it goes...My SO and I have been together for 5 years in July. We are in couples therapy and he said he wants me to show him that I love him more. That's Man Code for "You are Semi-Boring Pussy" Okay, now I send him e-cards a few times a week to tell him that I love him and appreciate everything he does. I also will surprise him with roses regularly and tell him what the different colors mean. That's not enough though.  No shit, men don't care about that crap,  most women I know don't care about that crap!

He wants me to be aggressive and jump his bones and I can't do it because I am just not that kind of woman. Um, what kind of woman is able to do that and what is missing within you that you "can;t" do that? I feel he is so wrong to ask me to do something that I haven't done our whole relationship. If he had asked you to start wearing giant diapers or dress up like Sonic the Hedgehog, that would be one thing, the man wants you to show some sexual enthusiasm, what's the dealio? I feel we shouldn't be together if that is so important for him to have from his partner. You guys have been together 5 years, in therapy and not married, there's probably an assload of reasons you should be together, you're just choosing THIS one. Or am I wrong? Yes, you're wrong. I do wear costumes and lover role playing, but not the aggressive roles. Again, WHY NOT?

He also told me no when I did try 4 years ago and my feelings were so hurt, I can't get myself to try again. He said he was joking but no means no to me so I stopped. There's a lot more to THAT part of the story that we're not hearing.

Are my feelings valid? Nope. I do love him and I feel it shouldn't be that important because I do other things well. So LEARN how!  It's not rocket surgery!  We all have areas that need to be improved or tough things to work on. At least he is still getting some and I haven't withheld the booty, lol. Well, you might as well be, you are flat-out refusing to even TRY here.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions that may help me get past this JUST FUCKING DO IT!!! or tell me if I should stick to my guns and not give in. Also I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby and his first son so I don't feel sexy and that is the furthest thing from my mind right now with all aches and pains I have going on. And that's fair enough, maybe right now isn't the best time to take on a sexual goal of this magnitude, but you don't want to take it on AT ALL.  What's the big deal?  He wants you to jump on him, so jump on him after your six-week appointment.  Quit saying that you "can't" do this, because that's a load of bullshit, of course you CAN do it, you just don't WANT to, for whatever reason you're choosing not to enlighten us with.  His request isn't all that challenging, just do it, forget about whatever the hell happened 4 years ago, get over yourself and do it.

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