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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

adoptive moms, did you cut her off?

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Have you ever closed an open adoption?

Why?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Mar. 5, 2012 at 2:01 PM
Replies (311-320):
LectioDivina
by on Apr. 4, 2012 at 11:39 AM
1 mom liked this
She has my sympathy... She showed incredible strength and still does.

Quoting Lolitalibra21:

Quoting Anonymous:

i am a bio mom, i gave my dd up for adoption at birth; her sperm donor had tried killing me on a few occasions, and i was not in any way shape or form ready for another child, ( my ds was only 9 months old when i got pregnant by the asshole ex) abortion was not an option i could live with, so i knew early on that she would not be raised by me, but i would give her life and find her a good family where she would have all the love and care a child needs.

the adoption was to be open, pictures every 6 months, updates, and a physical visit once a year.

i got pictures until she was 3....then they just...stopped. i never was allowed to see her in person after they left with her, i was so happy just to have the pics and updates, i didn't think much of it, thinking i would see her sooner or later, when they were ready.

but then they just vanished, as soon as the paperwork was done, and she was legally theirs.

talk about a huge betrayal of my trust, a slap in the face. it is heartbreaking.

i guess i will wait until she is a teen and decides to show up on my doorstep, as she assuredly will some day, blood will out you know.

i almost hope she is like i was when i was teen, and gives them hell and makes them pull their hair out and worry, if she is anything like me she will start running away from home at a young age.

and when she shows up asking why she grew up not knowing me, i will tell her of the letters i sent, show her the emails i have kept, and the book of memories i have made for her.i am sure she will be so happy to hear her parents were keeping her bio mother out of her life.

yes, i know i sound bitter, and i am. i gave the most precious gift imaginable, and in return, a slap in the face. pictures and updates are not much to ask for.







Uh...she grew up not knowing you because you gave her away! Betrayal? How do you think she would feel when you tell her you have another child you kept and have her away...was that kid better somehow...you should just leave her alone and not seek her out....I can't believe you want sympathy....how selfish
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
randi1978
by Murdoc's Mistress on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:45 PM
5 moms liked this

Why do so many uneducated ass hats think an open adoption is co parenting?

Professionals even say that an adopted child has two sets of parents.  They have the mother and father who helped create them and the Mom and Dad who took care of them and raised them.

To more or less deny the existence of the Mother and Father is a slap in the face of the adopted child.

Don't lie to get a child.  I don't care how desperate you are.

If you agree to an open adoption, STICK WITH IT.  And you better have a damned good reason to ever close it.

Mothers, just as it is the adoptive parents' obligation to uphold their end of an agreement, it is the same for you.  Don't close it on your end because it's too hard.  It is supposed to be for the well being of the child, not you and not the parents.

Both sets of parents are very real.  Both play a huge part in the child.  To equate the mother and father as nothing more than biological material is cruel.  To imply that a woman surrendering her child just plain doesn't want them is cruel.  It is beyond rare to ever encounter a birth mother who surrenders simply because she does not want to parent.  Most did.  Most love and wanted their babies.  Most just did not have access to resources.  Most were made to feel that had no choice.  Most were in a place in their lives where they could not be an adequate parent, but that still doesn't mean they want them any less or love them any less.  Does not mean their siblings do not want them any less or love them any less. 

wrensong
by Pagan Mother on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:50 PM

 No. However my daughter's first mom had at times disappeared from our lives. She is very inconsistent with commnication and visits.

She came for xmas but we have not heard from her since.

She is married now nad trying to have another baby. So I don't know if she is just moving on or what.

However if/when she is ready, the door is open

randi1978
by Murdoc's Mistress on Apr. 30, 2012 at 5:05 PM
1 mom liked this

I gave up a second born daughter in 2007.  At the time, I honestly thought it was the only way.  There was a lot going on at that time.  Looking back, I realize that my decision was made in the midst of all the chaos.  Newly separated from my STBX husband, both me and then 3 yr old daughter were still adjusting, everyone was stressed out and basically, I felt my options were slim.  Looking back, I realized that I should have tried, at least tried. 

So, whatever the case, I have nobody to blame but myself. 

The couple that adopted her were a good couple.  Mom was a writer/artist, Dad was a computer guru and pottery nut.  They were actually a very nice couple.  We agreed to photos and update letters.  The first year was the hardest.  But, I think we all handled things poorly.  I always wrote back, always enclosed an updated picture of her older sister for them to give to her when they see fit.  So far, my only "crime" was referring to the girls as sisters.  They corrected me and I apologized, explaining that I may not understand their postition, but I would respect it and refrain from it in further communication.  After that, things went well.  Or as well as well could be.  For three more years, things would roll along smoothly.

This last summer, I received an update, as scheduled.  Enclosed within the update was a note stating that the lawyer would no longer be forwarding our mail to one another and they would be obtaining a PO Box for me to send any updates.

That was 7 months ago.  Still waiting.

If nothing more is ever sent or communicated, I will simply wait.  When she is 18, I check around to see if she is looking.  I will give my older daughter what info I have so she can seek her out.  If she wants nothing to do with me, I will accept that and understand.  But I would like for her to at least know her sister.

Bellarose0212
by Gold Member on Jun. 11, 2012 at 2:01 AM

It's sad that they can just stop sending you updates. That's all, just updates, so not a huge burden on the daily running of their family, clearly. Weird that they would be so threatened by it that they had to close it down.

Quoting randi1978:

I gave up a second born daughter in 2007.  At the time, I honestly thought it was the only way.  There was a lot going on at that time.  Looking back, I realize that my decision was made in the midst of all the chaos.  Newly separated from my STBX husband, both me and then 3 yr old daughter were still adjusting, everyone was stressed out and basically, I felt my options were slim.  Looking back, I realized that I should have tried, at least tried. 

So, whatever the case, I have nobody to blame but myself. 

The couple that adopted her were a good couple.  Mom was a writer/artist, Dad was a computer guru and pottery nut.  They were actually a very nice couple.  We agreed to photos and update letters.  The first year was the hardest.  But, I think we all handled things poorly.  I always wrote back, always enclosed an updated picture of her older sister for them to give to her when they see fit.  So far, my only "crime" was referring to the girls as sisters.  They corrected me and I apologized, explaining that I may not understand their postition, but I would respect it and refrain from it in further communication.  After that, things went well.  Or as well as well could be.  For three more years, things would roll along smoothly.

This last summer, I received an update, as scheduled.  Enclosed within the update was a note stating that the lawyer would no longer be forwarding our mail to one another and they would be obtaining a PO Box for me to send any updates.

That was 7 months ago.  Still waiting.

If nothing more is ever sent or communicated, I will simply wait.  When she is 18, I check around to see if she is looking.  I will give my older daughter what info I have so she can seek her out.  If she wants nothing to do with me, I will accept that and understand.  But I would like for her to at least know her sister.


tifbrown
by on Jun. 11, 2012 at 2:09 AM

My aunt and uncle have an open adoption with the bio mom of one of their kids. She visited once the first year and never again. The bio grandma still visits once a year. Him and his sister both know they are adopted. He knows who she is and gets pretty excited when she visits. She's a wonderful woman, she brings gifts for both of them. They are supportive of their daughter going to Romania, where she is from, and if she chooses to look for her birth parents. Both are examples of adoption working out very well.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 22 on Jun. 11, 2012 at 2:18 AM

We have open adoptions with pictures and letters. First biomom moved and didn't leave a fowarding address, so the agency said to stop sending updates until they get contact. Second biofamily, we send updates and photos and asked that they send something in return for DS, the SW even asked them on our behalf and they didn't respond. I continue to send updates. I wish I had some photos, any photos for DS. 

We are hoping to adopt again and would do the same thing. It's actually the sibling of adopted kids of our close friends and obviously plan on keeping contact for the kids. We will do the same for the bio parents if they so wish.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 23 on Jun. 11, 2012 at 2:25 AM
You post bout this a lot, rose..
Anonymous
by Anonymous 24 on Jun. 11, 2012 at 2:25 AM

You can let her write the letter and just not send it...

Quoting swizzlefiz:

Our adoption is a family adoption.  My DD is my bio niece, who was adopted by my mom as an infant, then by us when she was 3 and my mom felt she was too old to keep up.  My mom spends at least 2 weekends a month with her(as her grandma).  My brother(bio dad) sees her occasionally.  As far as I'm aware, the birth mother has never so much as asked about her(I don't have contact with her, just know what my brother tells me).  My DD wants to write her bio mom a letter because bio mom is in prison until DD is 18.  We haven't decided if its a good idea or not.  Bio mom is NOT stable or mentally healthy.  I don't want DD to get her hopes up for nothing.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 25 on Jun. 11, 2012 at 2:41 AM
Dh is adopted , he has no desire to know his birth fam . I would never do adoption .
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