I always wanted to be a mom and thought that I would love it.
My kids are 7 and 3, both planned, and motherhood is nothing like I'd imagined. I keep waiting for it to get better, but it never does.
I find it nothing but stressful, exhausting and emotionally draining. I love my children, but I hate being a mom.
I see I've got a lot of catching up to do, but I've read every single comment so far, up to page 45.
For those who have offered encouragement, sympathy, or even constructive criticism, thank you. I do have a long history of depression and have a doctor appointment next Thursday to evaluate the issue.
To those who commented only to bash, call me names, and kick me when I'm down, well fuck off. That's CM for you, I guess.
And, just to clear things up, I do not "hate" my children. I neither neglect nor abuse them and I'm not distant and apathetic toward them, either. By regret, I simply meant that if I had the opportunity to live my life again, I probably would have opted not to have children, knowing the toll it would take on every aspect of my life.
That's neither here nor there. I DO have children and I love and care for them and and am invested in their happiness and their future. However, I am not happy at all with my life and THAT'S what I'm trying to figure out: how to be happy with the road I've chosen.
Those that can relate or are empathetic will understand. Those that think I'm horrible can just go ahead and think that.
I'll catch up on comments later tonight. My kids and I always make pizza and watch a movie together on Friday evenings 'cause I'm such a shitty mom and all.
I've caught up on the latest replies.
Eh....killing myself isn't an option and neither is giving my children up for adoption. I don't WANT my children to go away. I love them and like being there for them. I REGRET THE TOLL MOTHERHOOD HAS TAKEN ON MY LIFE AND, MOSTLY, MY MENTAL HEALTH. I'm sorry if that's impossible for some of you to comprehend.
I'm tired of hearing all the rants about how infertile women would be happy to have children and maybe I should give my kids to them. I mean, are *you* mentally unstable? How is that even realistic advice? It's not my fault that some women can't have kids.
Another point, my kids are not UNWANTED. If I didnt want to stick it out and figure out my problems and be the best mother I can be, I could have easily walked out and let their dad have custody. I'm not going to do that. I WANT to be happy being a mom. And I'm working on it.
A continued thanks for those who've asked questions, offered encouragement, and told me your stories. I'm glad I'm not alone and, honestly, I'm tired of mothers feeling like they can never say anything negative about parenthood.
So, I went to the doctor last week and spoke at length about both my mental and physical stresses.
I had a complete physical and was found to be anemic and have a vitamin B12 deficiency.
I'm on supplements and was also prescribed Wellbutrin and a sleep aid. I'm hesitant to take the sleep aid, because I'm afraid that I'll sleep through my kids calling for me if they need me.
The supplements have so far made me feel a bit better; nothing from the Wellburtin yet, but I know that takes time.
I've also started a new hobby with my 7yo and am starting classes this week to finish my degree, so at least I can say things are looking up. Thanks for everyone's support.