But I find the need to share weighing heavy on my heart tonight. I haven't been healing well, emotionally, after losing my son 2 weeks ago. We were 18 weeks pregnant and lost his heartbeat after struggling with a hydrops diagnosis at 14 weeks. The delivery was so awful (from a medical and emotional stand point) that I have been left dealing with PTSD nightmares. During the day I can function, sort of. But it takes so little to send me running for my bed where I keep my sons baby blanket so I can clutch it and scream... I have felt so alone and so lost... And most of all I have prayed and begged and screamed that I just want to feel normal again when in reality I just want to feel my son back in my belly, growing and giving me butterflies.
I haven't watched many episodes of the 19 Kids And Counting show, but a friend told me about tonights episode and said maybe I would find something in it to help with how I'm feeling. I am so thankful for them sharing their story after losing their Jubilee... It was so hard to watch, because I could identify with every tear they shed. But for the first time since our loss, I don't feel like I'm the only person greiving a loss this way. I was even happy to see that they had pictures done also because that is something that was so important to me and I hold the photos so dear to my heart but I felt like I was so strange for feeling that way. The way they documented and shared their grieving process is really helping me feel "normal" and I never would have imagined that I could ever thank the Duggar's for that.
Anyways.... I had to type that and get it off my heart.