Story of a Love Affair Part Two (link to part three added)
Link to part one
Link to part three
As I drove home, my mind swam with confusion. What was I feeling? What was I doing? How could a simple conversation leave me feeling as if I had just touched fire. I could tell by the look in Adam's face, that he was struggling with the same emotions. Was it best to just get it out in the open, admit that I had some conflicting emotions? What would happen after that? Before I knew it I pulled up into the drive way. I saw my husband outside working on his car. My husband, the man I married so many years ago. The man I had children with. The man I knew I loved, or at least I was sure I loved him.
Our marriage had become so routine. Were we a couple? Or, where we just roommates? I watched our son lean over and put his arms around my husband's waist, and watched my husband in turn wrap his arms around our son. No, this was my husband, and regardless of what I felt, I did love him. I knew that if I was struggling with feelings for another man, that I needed to focus more on my marriage. I promised myself I would make a greater effort. I could not play with fire, I could not risk watching my whole family burn to the ground.
That evening passed similar to any other night. As I said goodnight to the kids and walked away, I slipped into the bedroom and changed into a night gown that had always turned my husband on. I slipped into the dark living room. He was sitting at the computer, playing a game. He did not even realize I was standing there.
"Hey babe, why don't you come to bed with me?"
He turned, looked at me, cocked his eyebrow "Uh, what's up with you?"
"I was hoping we could spend some time together tonight."
"Yeah, well I have a raid in ten minutes, so maybe after that is done."
"Oh, well I'll be waiting in bed then. "
He turned back to the computer. I knew that it would not be one game or raid, or whatever the hell it was called. I knew it would be hours before he would force himself off the computer for the sake of a few hours sleep before morning forced its way back into our lives. I stood there, hoping he would change his mind, but I knew he would not. I was invisible. As I had been escaping into a world of dreams, he had been escaping into a world of his own. I could not compete. What did I have to offer anymore? The excitement was gone in our love, and he was content with his surroundings. I laid down in bed, tiered, disheartened, frustrated. Tears streamed down my face. Guilt overwhelmed me as I wished that my husband still looked at me, as Adam had looked at me. Slowly I drifted off to sleep..........
I stood in the office, it was empty and dark. I looked out the window and it was night. I looked back to the lobby and Adam stood there, expressionless. He walked towards me, stopped inches away, I could feel his breath on my face. Warm, sweet, rapid. Slowly he took my head into his hand. He stared deep into my eyes, and I saw a mixture of passion and fear. He pulled me closer and pressed his lips against mine, soft, gentle, and slow. His lips locked with mine, then gently pulled away. A passion like a stream trickled through my body, quickly gathering momentum like a stream racing to bigger waters. My arms wrapped around his body, and I dug into his back as I pulled his body into mine. I pressed my lips back to his, I felt his tongue searching, and I accepted, moments seeped into what seemed like forever.... I pulled away
"why did you follow me here?"
Adam smiled " I have no idea"
My hand searched for the alarm, I wanted just a few more minutes, just a little more time with Adam in my dreams. I turned over and saw my husband. He still looked as handsome as the day I first met him. His chest rose and fell in deep regular breaths. A pang of guilt ran through me. I know that I have little control over what I dream, but I felt as if I had betrayed him. Not just for the dream, but for the intense desire to fall back into that dream.
As we leaned in for our routine kiss and "I love you" I grabbed my husband's hand.
"We need to talk."
"Now?" he looked at his watch.
"No, but soon, tonight."
"You're not pregnant are you?"
"No, I'm not pregnant. You do realize we would have had to have sex at some point for me get pregnant? "
"Oh, come on, it hasn't been that long."
"Really? So how about you tell me when the last time was? You can't miss one night with your gaming buddies to even notice I exists!"
I stormed to my car and slammed the door. I wanted to cry, I wanted to turn back and scream "NOTICE ME!" There was no point. I was no longer noticeable in his world. As I entered the office that morning, I saw Adam. I blushed, turned, and walked away. I could have sworn he did the same. I felt embarrassed. I felt guilty. I felt naked and ashamed in front of him. I felt like every eye was looking at me, as if they had all been broadcasted my dream. He was a married man, I was a married woman. I needed to keep my head straight. I avoided Adam for the next several days, I avoided my husband as well. I began to sink into a pit of despair. Life was back to the monotony, no thrill, nothing to look forward to. It was my duty as a wife, as a mother to sacrifice my wants, my desires for my family. There was nothing more to it. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted my husband to look at me with the same desire as I had seen in Adams eyes. I tried to double my efforts to attract my husband back to me. Each attempt was shrugged off as an annoyance. Again, I was invisible in his eyes. I would fall asleep while tears drenched my pillow, then fall into a world where I stood my office waiting for Adam to return to me, take me in his arms, and help me forget. In my dreams, he never came. I waited, and he never came. I was indeed invisible. I was indeed, even in my dreams unwanted.
A few weeks passed. I had given up my attempts to grab my husband's affections, I had subsided to the reality that this was my life. I sat at my desk, no vibrancy left in my soul. I had even stopped bringing flowers to my desk. I felt mocked by them. I needed coffee, I needed to get away from my desk. I took an early break and headed to the coffee shop. I walked into the coffee shop and there was Adam, standing at the counter. I stood in line, playing with my phone nervously.
"Here, vanilla still your favorite?" Adam was standing behind me with two cups in his hands. He handed me a cup.
"Um, yeah, thanks."
"Well, I owed you a cup, now we are even."
"Yeah, I guess so." I avoided eye contact, "Well, I should probably get back. " I brushed past him, I needed to get away from him, my heart was pounding, and my eyes filling with tears. I was almost to the door, when I felt hand around my wrist. I stopped, and turned to face him. His eyes locked with mine. His eyes were filled with tears.
"Would you please stop avoiding me? Can we please talk?" His eyes pleaded with me.
"I can't", I pulled away and purposely headed back to the office. Sitting at my desk I started to cry. His touch was the catalyst, and I felt like the world was falling around me. He came into the office and sat at his desk, staring at the ground. He looked over at me, and I could take it no more. I quickly gathered my purse and headed for the door. I needed to be away, far away. As I approached my car I heard him shout,
"Sarah! Sara! Stop, please stop!"
I turned and faced him. I had hoped he could see in my eyes that I was pleading for him to just let me go.
"Sarah, I'm sorry." He still had tears in his eyes.
"You are sorry?" I was confused, what had he done wrong? It was me who was struggling, me who had emotionally toed the line, not him. "What do you have to be sorry for?"
He stood there, opened his mouth as if to speak, but instead sighed, and shook his head. Before I could react he had taken hold of me, one hand firmly wrapped around my waist, the other cradled my head. His lips found mine, and just like in my dream, moments faded into eternity. He pulled away, let go and took a step back.
"I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can't get you out of my head. This past few weeks has been torture. " as he spoke, I noticed how tiered and torn he looked.
I stood there, I had nothing to say, I didn't know what to do.
"Please say something, please, Sarah, say anything."
I had nothing to say, there was nothing to say in that moment. I knew it was wrong, I knew what it meant, but it didn't matter anymore. I stepped closer to him, reached out, placed my hand gently on his cheek, and kissed him again. For those moments, I was wanted, I was desirable, I was no longer invisible. He took my hand, and led me back to the coffee shop where we sat and talked for hours, not about work, not about coworkers, but about our lives, our fears, and our dreams. I told him about how life became the same routine, and how I was invisible to my husband, no matter how hard I tried. He shook his head, "how could anyone ignore you?"
He told me of his marriage. They married young, he felt it was the right thing at the time. It was what was expected by his family. He had dated her all through high school, and college. He had been with her so long, he had no idea how to be without her. They had tried for the past several years to conceive a baby. Nothing every happened. His wife became bitter and angry. Eventually she just stopped trying, and he felt like she resented him. They never tested to see why they could not conceive. He was to scared to go and see if it was something wrong with him. He was afraid that if it was him, she would in turn hate him. They had begun to pull apart. He felt pushed away and rejected.
"Sometimes I wonder if the only thing she ever wanted from me was a baby, and if i can't give that to her, then I'm just a failure and extra baggage in her eyes."
We poured our hearts out to each other, one slowly sipped coffee cup at a time. As he walked me to my car later that day, he kissed me gently. I smiled, got in my car, and drove away. Adam stood in the parking lot he was still watching me as I took one more look at him through the rear view mirror.
To be continued................