Story of a Love Affair Part Three(link to part four added)
Link to part 1
Link to part 2
Link to part Four
I pulled up to my home, and panic began to rise in my chest. My day with Adam did not leave me time to think about what would happen when I would get home. How I would face my husband. Would he know something was different? Should I just sit him down and tell him what was going on? What would happen after that? Was my marriage over? I wanted to be with Adam, but we had just started to really get to know each other. I closed my eyes and pictured Adam's smile. Tonight, I would say nothing. Tonight, I would carry on as if nothing had changed. I would not change my whole life today. I could not change everything without having a plan for the future, even though everything had already changed with that first kiss.
Avoiding my husband was not a difficult task. He was distracted by his games, is other world. Even if Adam was there holding my hand, kissing me in a way that my husband neglected to do for long, he would not notice. I was still invisible. I had wanted Adam so much, and now that I had him, I felt as if the world around me could crash at any moment. I fell asleep angry. Was I angry with myself? My husband? Life? I was unsure as to why I was so angry. That night my dreams were saturated with that anger. I saw myself screaming at my husband "Why can't you love me like you used to?!" , but he never answered. After all, to him, I was invisible.
The next morning I rushed through our usual routine, and managed to leave before my husband attempted to say "I love you". It had no meaning anymore. He said it out of obligation, and to be truthful, so did I. I approached my office with butterflies swarming in my stomach. Excited and nervous to see Adam once again. Suddenly a terrifying thought hit me. What if he went home to his wife, and decided that he had made a horrible mistake? What if I walk through those doors and he rejected me? I gathered up my strengths and headed through the front doors and straight to my desk. My heart leapt , and the butterflies returned. Waiting on my desk; fresh flowers, and a cup of hot coffee. I looked towards Adam, he smiled. It was okay, he still wanted me. In that moment, I knew that everything would be okay.
The next several days passed in what seemed like moments. During lunch we would sit in the coffee shop and would talk. He told me about his child hood, his family, what he had wanted to be when he grew up. I told him about my life as well, but we always avoided speaking about his wife or my husband. We also never spoke about the future, or if there was a future between us. We were in the here and now, and we both seemed to be content in those moments. At the end of the day, Adam would walk me to my car, we would kiss and hold each other. Adam would always stand and watch as I drove away. As soon as the flowers on my desk began to wilt, he replaced them. There was always a hot cup of coffee waiting on my desk in the mornings. I felt adored, wanted, loved. I began to take a greater care and pride in my appearance. It wasn't so much that I needed or even wanted to look better, but that I felt more beautiful then I had in years. The care and attention Adam lavished on me in those small stolen moments, made me feel priceless. I was once again confident, I was once again carefree. I was vibrant, I was intoxicating. I may have been invisible at home, but to Adam, I was the only thing he could see.
Things changed for me at home as well. I felt alive once again, and it spread into every area of my life. I was happy, and my children seemed to grow happier too. I spent more time with them. I wanted my children to see that life could be an adventure, and not a routine of obligation. My husband, however, seemed to retreat further and further into his games. I gave him little notice though, and had pushed him emotionally and physically away. I had no desire to talk to him. I had no need for his affections anymore. I was sure that I was still invisible in his eyes.
Weeks past, and my desire for Adam only grew. Our time together never progressed beyond stolen kisses, and long talks. Those simple moments, however short they may have been, was all I needed. One day at lunch, as we sat down at our little table, Adam's faced changed from his handsome smile to a look of concern.
" I need to talk to you about something."
"Is it bad?"
"No, it's not bad... or maybe it is. I don't really know. " He shifted nervously in his seat and took my hand in his. "I am going to tell my wife about us. She is unhappy, and I am unhappy when I am with her. I don't see that ever changing as long as we are still married. I need to tell her so that she can move on with her life."
I sat shocked, and unsure . What was I supposed to say? What was he asking me for?
"Okay. When are you going to talk to her?"
"Tonight, I already reserved myself a room at a hotel till I can find my own place. "
He sat and started at me, as if expecting some response. All I could do was stare down at the table. In my gut, I knew he was asking if I was going to do the same.
"I'm not ready to tell my husband. It's not as simple for me as it is with you. I have kids. I cannot leave them, and I cannot just drag them from their home. "
"I understand that, but I want more than what we have now. I am not asking you to change your whole life for me today. I just want you to think about the future. You can't just hide this from your husband forever. It's not fair to him. "
"I don't know how I am supposed to tell him, or my kids. I will think about it, I just need some time before I tell him. Just give me a little bit of time. "
He said nothing, just nodded his head and squeezed my hand.
That night as we walked to my car, we said nothing. We did not kiss, I just held him. His whole life was going to change when he got home, and I had no words to comfort him. I couldn't even figure out if I was supposed to comfort him. This was what he wanted. He said they were unhappy. Yet, he looked sad, he looked broken. Had I been the one to break him? I gave him my cell number, and told him to call me if he wanted to. He smiled, kissed my forehead. As I drove away, I started to cry. The world was starting to cash around me. He was about to lose the life he had, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I was losing the life I knew as well. Could Adam and I rebuild our lives after this? Would we rebuild it together?
That night at home I waited nervously for Adam to call. Instead of a call, I received a simple text
"Do you want to talk?"
I sat on the end of my bed and cried. I had just ruined another woman's life. Had I also ruined Adam's? Would I ever have the courage to face my husband? Could I ever tell him the truth? Was i strong enough to start my life over?
"You okay?" my husband stood at the door.
"Um, yeah, yeah I'm fine." I turned away and tried to dry my tears and compose myself.
"Listen, Sarah, can we talk?"
I looked up at him. He wanted to talk? Did he know? He never wanted to talk. I started to panic.
"Listen, I know that things have gotten pretty dull between us. I feel like we have really started to pull apart. I know that is mostly my fault. I am sorry, and I want to try harder to make things better. I was hoping that this weekend maybe my folks could come over and stay with the kids and we could go away?"
What? Now he wanted to try? Now he wanted me? I didn't know what to say. I just sat there and stared at the floor. Minutes passed.
"Just think about it?" he turned and walked away.
Just think about it? Adam wants me to think about leaving my husband, now my husband wants to try and make things work. How could anything work now? Could me and my husband ever get back to the time when we had life in our love? I didn't really want to work things out with my husband, I wanted Adam.
"Mommy?" My youngest stood at the door, dragging his blanket behind him. "Can I snuggle with you?"
"Sure baby, come here." I picked him up, snuggled him next to me and watched his face as he fell asleep. He had no idea that the world he knew was falling apart. Would he ever forgive me?
I brushed his hair aside. He looked so much like his father, and he was so much like him in personality. I thought back to the day he was born. My husband never left my side while I labored. He encouraged me, talked me through the pain. As I handed him our newborn son, he kissed my forehead, smiled and said "I am so proud of you." I drifted off to sleep as I played memories of our life together through my head. I stirred from my dreams as my husband crawled into bed next to me. I stayed still and pretended to be fast asleep, he rolled towards me, brushed my cheek with his lips and whispered, "I love you."
to be continued. ............