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Could really use some advice/words of wisdom/what have you!

My 3 1/2 year old son has developed quite the temper. When he gets that way there is no calming him down - he gets physical... hitting, scratching, kicking, and pulling my hair. I try to remain calm and not snap even though i'm at my wits end. 

I have taken away TV and any toy that he throws at me, because he does that as well. 

I have tried ignoring him when he gets in these fits (someone told me to try that). All he does is yell louder "Mom.. Mom TALK TO ME.. Hello?! I HATE YOU! I HATE THIS PLACE!" 


Then, he gets all sweet just like that. And then right back to getting angry if he doesn't get his way. 

Is this normal? What should I be doing differently? Is there anything to do about this or is this a phase that I must endure? 

:( 

by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:13 AM
Replies (41-50):
SDarvasi
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:44 AM
1 mom liked this

He's got a temper...and probably picked up some of the negative things from other kids. Just keep showing him that you and your hubby are a team, and don't give in to his behaviour, ever...even if it means that you'll spend the whole day ignoring his behaviour while he screams at you. Continue doing what you do as a mother, feed him and all of that....but show him that his behaviour does not in any way affect how you react...like it doesn't phase you at all...it will get real tired, real fast...because it's no fun when you can't get a reaction out of someone. He will learn eventually...oh, and by the way...school worked wonders for my daughter. Once she got to kindergarten, I saw a HUGE change. SOmetimes, being around other kids and following someone else's set of rules, is all they need.

Quoting Sylv.the.Wine-O:

My son is more likely to listen to my husband about calming down than he is with me. 

However, it seems like with each time... he is getting more and more resistant to anything my husband does or says as well. 

Quoting SDarvasi:

He's trying to push all boundaries possible. At some point or another, you give in, which is why he knows that the more he pushes you and says mean things, the more he's going to get you to give in.

I know it's hard, but keep doing what you're doing. Be stern with him. Don't let him get the best of you. Don't take him anywhere if he refuses to behave, or take him home right away if he does start to misbehave in public. Remain busy when he's in trouble..do the dishes, play loud music...whatever you need to do to get the point acorss to him that you're not going to listen to him talking to you like that. Make sure you let him KNOW that his behavious is completely unnacceptable and you will NOT put up with it.


My daughter was the same, minus the "I hate you and you're a loser mom" part. Although, she has said many times that she's a "horrible kid" when she gets in trouble or was in time out...they'll say anything to get your attention, really. I've been amazed at some of the things I've heard kids say when they are in time out.


BTW...where's your SO in all of this? Or are you alone?

If you do have a SO, does he help? I found that when my SO came into the picture, my already then 3 yr old daughter was horrible misbehaved and always had tantrums. Having that extra pair of hands, and voice behind me helped a lot. She didn't like it when a man stepped in to tell her to stop...but she totally respected him after a while, and took him seriously because he doesn't bend. She is now 7, and although she isnt prefect, and still had her little disagreements or whatever with us every now and then...she says sorry when she does something wrong, and is easier to talk to and respects us when we put our feet down.



mitchiesgirl
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:47 AM
I would say his terrible 2s have rolled over into terrible 3s.... If I were in your shoes, I'd ask a dr or consult a therapist (not for professional help in the sense of therapy or anything) and ask them for age/ behavior punishment ideas. My nephew is about that age and his mom put a jar of pennies and nickles in a jar (about $5 worth..... When he would act like this she'd immediately take a coin out (she kept it visible so he could see). The first few times he would scream louder and kick and hit.... Then she'd take another one out... When he got softer, she put 1 back in, and whenever he calmed down she'd put it back. She added to it when he had good behaviour and took away from it when he had his out of control tantrums... He learned pretty quick. When he had good behaviour for a few days he could also use his coins to by ice cream or a vending machine toy or something. Works for her (of course my aunt used to do that to her because she was AWFUL as a child lol.
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imuney
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:47 AM
he just needs help figuring out that yelling doesnt work. Everytime he does it put him in his room... every single time, be consistent. he knows what hes doing is wrong or else he wouldn't be asking you to talk to him when you refuse to after he has done it. That's what I do with my daughter but at the same time I can tell you that where I come from we got our asses beat for doing stuff like that. Both methods work it's just I prefer not to hit my children if it's not necessary.
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Sylv.the.Wine-O
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:48 AM

I have never thought my son to be autistic or even remotely in the spectrum. 

Then again, I don't know much about autism or its forms.

Quoting Crimsonia:

Have you considered that your son might have an Autism Spectrum Disorder? You may want to get him evaluated for that.

Honestly it sounds like a "meltdown" to me... A meltdown is NOT the same as a tantrum... although to someone whom has never experienced the difference they may look very similar. But most kids who throw tantrums don't get violent, hitting people and throwing things, etc...

But at the same time... not all meltdowns are violent either so it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between them.

I would sit down and think about the times when your son has begun to behave in this way, and consider exactly what has been going on over the past.... hour... prior to the meltdown... figure out if he might be experiencing some type of physical or even emotional sensory overload.

Without further details I really can't explain better.... but I think thatv maybe that is a good place to start.... the best way to deal with meltdowns is to figure out what triggers them so you can avoid/prevent them.




eckielady
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:49 AM

Wow!! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also sorry your son is going through this...it must feel awful for him to be that angry. 

I would do everything I could possibly think of and then if that didn't work I would find help. I'm sorry but I am not into meds AT ALL unless it's absolutely positively needed but for these women to tell you this is perfectly normal and you don't need to seek help......well sometimes you're too far on the other end of the spectrum. Some kids DO need help. Only the OP knows that. I think you need to follow your gut instinct here. Also, just because you find help doesn't mean you need to put him on meds. 

If you do put him in therapy I think you and your husband should go also. You never know, you might find out there is something you could be doing better/different. 

I do have a son and he never acted like that. I do remember going through a phase for a few days where he kept saying "I hate you". I lost it one day and yelled "I hate you too" back at him. NOT because I did but I didn't know what else to do. His face completely fell so I took him and we sat and talked. I told him that I absolutely adored him and I just wanted him to know how much it hurt when he said that. He never said it again. Was it the right thing to do....uh no!! But it worked and at the time I just needed to stop hearing that. 

Good luck op. Follow your instincts on this. If you need help....find it. 

Audreysmommy123
by Silver Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:50 AM
I would talk to ur ped. and see what they would have to say
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jb0520
by Platinum Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:50 AM
I.would for sure talk to his dr! I have a 3.5 year old ds and nothing even close top this had ever happened!
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SDarvasi
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:51 AM

I do agree, there is totally a difference! My daughter had meltdowns. It would go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. She had both, tantrums and meltdowns. The tantrums were less extreme and I could calm her down by ignoring her. The meltdowns were the ones that drove me to insanity, made me feel like giving up. She would literally scream bloody murder....kick her feet on anything near her....drop to the floor and stay there, stiffen her entire body if you tried to pick her up...cry uncontrollably. It once happened on a bus packed with teenagers. It lasted 40 minutes. I couldn't do anything to calm her down, and we were on our way to the doctors anyways. I got off the bus and  bawled. She was absolutely insane for no apparant reason. She wanted to sit on the seat next to me, and  I said no, and she literally stood up in her storller the entire 40 minutes and wailed and wailed and wailed...screaming periodically.....


I can bet that each and every one of those teenagers decided right then and there, that they didn't want any kids anytime soon. free birth control, provided my my screaming toddler....lol.

I can look back at it now and laugh because it's over. And it does get better in time, granted he really doesn't have any serious issues.

To the OP: Just do what doctors do when it comes to illnesses.....cancel things out one by one until you're left with whatever makes the most sense. I would try each of the suggestions in here before assuming 100% that it needs medical attention.

Quoting Crimsonia:

Have you considered that your son might have an Autism Spectrum Disorder? You may want to get him evaluated for that.

Honestly it sounds like a "meltdown" to me... A meltdown is NOT the same as a tantrum... although to someone whom has never experienced the difference they may look very similar. But most kids who throw tantrums don't get violent, hitting people and throwing things, etc...

But at the same time... not all meltdowns are violent either so it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between them.

I would sit down and think about the times when your son has begun to behave in this way, and consider exactly what has been going on over the past.... hour... prior to the meltdown... figure out if he might be experiencing some type of physical or even emotional sensory overload.

Without further details I really can't explain better.... but I think thatv maybe that is a good place to start.... the best way to deal with meltdowns is to figure out what triggers them so you can avoid/prevent them.




liz.1986
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:51 AM

I never said anything about a label. I said have him evaluated. It is possible for mental problems to develop in kids this young. IF there is something wrong with him, she could get better help and understanding in how to deal with him.

If there's not, then that's great and it means it's just a phase she has to get through. There's nothing wrong with making sure.

Quoting redneckmama4:

Good god...really?

Let's put a label on him because he doesn't act the way he *should*???

That is terrible!!!

Quoting liz.1986:

That sounds worrisome to me. I would have him evaluated by his pedi.



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Crimsonia
by Silver Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:52 AM

Yeah, see, this is what I was trying to explain to OP... there is a major difference between a tantrum and a meltdown.... we were raised to see this type of behavior strictly as a temper tantrum and we try to deal with it accordingly... "I am the parent and therefore *I* must teach my child that this is unacceptable."...

However, if after I'd say 3-4 times attempting to teach this lesson, they STILL don't "get it" and it keeps happening.... then something else is going on and you can no longer consider it to be "just a tantrum".

I would definitely encourage you to have your son evaluated... 

Quoting MommaRoseT:

I can relate! My 3 1/2 year old son is the same way! I really feel like it is an attention thing for him. I don't think he even cares if he is only getting negative attention as long as all attention is on him.  That's how I feel anyway.  Is your child in day care or preschool?  I recently took my son out of "school" because my job now allows me to work from home and I thought I would be able to keep him home while working at home.  I feel like his temper (or attention seeking ways) have gotten more sever since he spends so much time at home.  I feel like he is craving that school setting, being around the other kids, and the stimulation that comes with being in preschool.  I'm actually struggling with if I should start sending him again.  I'm really enjoying saving the money but he even says that he wants to go school so I feel like I am depriving him by not taking him.  I'm very interested to know what your situation is.  Also, I'd love to hear other people's suggestions as well.


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