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Could really use some advice/words of wisdom/what have you!

My 3 1/2 year old son has developed quite the temper. When he gets that way there is no calming him down - he gets physical... hitting, scratching, kicking, and pulling my hair. I try to remain calm and not snap even though i'm at my wits end. 

I have taken away TV and any toy that he throws at me, because he does that as well. 

I have tried ignoring him when he gets in these fits (someone told me to try that). All he does is yell louder "Mom.. Mom TALK TO ME.. Hello?! I HATE YOU! I HATE THIS PLACE!" 


Then, he gets all sweet just like that. And then right back to getting angry if he doesn't get his way. 

Is this normal? What should I be doing differently? Is there anything to do about this or is this a phase that I must endure? 

:( 

by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:13 AM
Replies (61-70):
Crimsonia
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:31 AM

See here's the thing.... Asperger's Syndrome *IS* an Autism Spectrum Disorder..... it is NOT always recognizable because at a young age it LOOKS like ADD/ADHD or a "spoiled/undisciplined" child...

The problem is... Autistic children (and again AS IS a FORM OF Autism) REALLY need to be evaluated as early as possible... the sooner they are recognized, the sooner the parent can begin learning how to help their child develop the tools to get along better within the world of people who do not understand and do not CARE to understand those differences that separate an Autistic person from one whom is Neurotypical (read "normal").

Quoting SDarvasi:

You have NOT failed him. The fact that you're even reaching out for advice is good enough to know that you love him dearly and want what's best for him. fyi....I wouldn't be so quick to take him in to be evaluated just yet. Try some other things first..because doctors often times misdiagnose kids with ADHD and such, making kids take unneccesary drugs for life...

Quoting Sylv.the.Wine-O:

I plan to. I really do because i'm worried that this behavior is not normal and I don't want to ignore it any longer and get him help if he needs it.

I cannot help him and I feel like I have failed him.

Quoting liz.1986:

That sounds worrisome to me. I would have him evaluated by his pedi.




auroragold
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:34 AM

I wasn't clear in my reply:  Using words like "loser" is most definitely a LEARNED behavior. This child has LEARNED (from someone) how to use words to be mean and cruel

Quoting Crimsonia:

This is not a "learned" behavior.... and it is not "naughty" behavior... this is a child feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated or possibly even UNDERstimulated... and not having the tools to figure out how to deal with it in a healthy way.

This is a child who is not hardwired the way MOST people are. This is not something you can "discipline" away. OP needs to learn how to help her son develop the cognitive tools to deal with the feelings of anxiety etc... so that he can avoid having meltdowns in the first place.

Quoting auroragold:

A bit extreme for 3 years old.Where DOES he learn it?

My nephew has a "naughty place" where he must sit for his time outs. He has to stay there until he settles down. Period.  Once he's calm, then he can come out.

As he gets older you can still use the time-out but implement a kitchen timer. When it rings, he can get up. But for each time he gets up BEFORE, throws something, etc. time gets added


Sylv.the.Wine-O
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:37 AM

I know he has picked up a lot from his cousin. The phrases I have heard him say recently as phrases I have heard first hand from the cousin. 

I still feel that a talk with his pedi will hurt nothing yet could help a lot.

majustic
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:44 AM
When he starts chanting or throwing a fit walk away! He has your attention and if he immediately gets ir back because he goes into a sweet little boy act he is working you. Send him back to where he was and when a period of time has past say 5 min. Then tell him that when he treats you like that you will not do what he wants. Be consistant that is the key!!! I dont know if you like to read but a good author for you would be Kevin Leman "have a new kid by friday" or "making children mind without losing yours". These have great ideas and help in them.
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Pink_Sunshine
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:45 AM
1 mom liked this

Dear that doesn't sound like a normal tantrum to me. I think maybe he should be evaluated to see if he has any other issues 

Crimsonia
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/brain/asperger.html

Check out this link.... it's the page that made me finally step back and think OMG... THIS is TOTALLY MY SON... Of course my son is also 14 y/o and I have had far more years from which to draw upon to recognize the characteristecs once I finally found them...

But even at 3 1/2 y/o you should be able to recognize enough to determine whether or not you feel the need to consider having him evaluated.

Quoting Sylv.the.Wine-O:

I have never thought my son to be autistic or even remotely in the spectrum. 

Then again, I don't know much about autism or its forms.

Quoting Crimsonia:

Have you considered that your son might have an Autism Spectrum Disorder? You may want to get him evaluated for that.

Honestly it sounds like a "meltdown" to me... A meltdown is NOT the same as a tantrum... although to someone whom has never experienced the difference they may look very similar. But most kids who throw tantrums don't get violent, hitting people and throwing things, etc...

But at the same time... not all meltdowns are violent either so it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between them.

I would sit down and think about the times when your son has begun to behave in this way, and consider exactly what has been going on over the past.... hour... prior to the meltdown... figure out if he might be experiencing some type of physical or even emotional sensory overload.

Without further details I really can't explain better.... but I think thatv maybe that is a good place to start.... the best way to deal with meltdowns is to figure out what triggers them so you can avoid/prevent them.





Sylv.the.Wine-O
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:49 AM
1 mom liked this

Thanks, Tracie 

::hugs::

Quoting Pink_Sunshine:

Dear that doesn't sound like a normal tantrum to me. I think maybe he should be evaluated to see if he has any other issues 


MistyMoo
by Ruby Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:53 AM
I don't know if that behaviour is normal.. My son does that, he's 4, but he's also severely autistic.. He's the only kid I know that acts that way.. But I was like that when I was a kid and I've got nothing wrong with me.. If that makes you feel any better..
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Crimsonia
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:54 AM

That's cool... It's all good.... I felt the same way when my son was 3-4 y/o as well.

All I can do is share my own experiences... and let other people choose to listen or ignore as they see fit. I hope and pray you're right... but please, know that if you are wrong.... I'll be here to help you figure things out in whatever ways that I can. After all, right now, I am the one having to figure these things out too.

I wish I HAD run a bit more quickly to a therapist... instead of waiting until my son was 14 y/o and already in high school to figure this out and recognize it for what it REALLY is.

BTW...  Just so you understand where I'm coming from.... I never said ONE word about "medical help" or medication.... Nowhere in any of my replies here can you find me suggesting or encouraging medicating an ASD Child...

If that is what you thought I was doing and took offense... I am truly sorry.

Autism Spectrum Disorders in general don't need to be medicated... medication cannot change the way a brain is hardwired and it cannot give a child the tools needed to compensate for those differences.

So please don't think that that is where I was going when I quoted and replied to you. It isn't. But, I digress.... just know... I understand your feelings... BTDT, and will be happy to offer support in anyway I can should you reach the conclusion later on that maybe you ARE looking at an ASD.

ETA: I also never said that having an ASD meant that something was "wrong" with the child.... having an ASD simply meand that they are hardwired differently.... not the same as something being "Wrong".

My son is 14, almost 15, he is incredibly intelligent... he is an amazing kid... honest to a fault... extremely respectful and considerate of other people... gets along wonderfully with his younger sister...... he is truly an awesome kid. There is nothing WRONG with him... he doesn't need to be FIXED... He isn't BROKEN.

He is just different... and that's ok...

Quoting MommaRoseT:

Thanks for your opinion but I don't think he needs to be evaluated for his behavior. I think people run to quick to therapists to get their children diagnosed with something.  I do believe that I can provide my child with what he needs and IF that doesn't work then I will look into contacting a professional if it becomes necessary. 

I feel certain that all my son needs is more stimulation. He has a very active personality and is always on the go.  He needs constant interaction.  I don't think that means there is something wrong with him.  I think that his behavior is showing that I am unable to give him all the attention he needs while I am working (even if it is at my home). This is a "problem" that I can solve without therapy sessions and/or medications.  I would much rather him be in preschool then medicated for his excitedness. I was sharing my story because I thought if the OP's child was in a similar situation at their house that perhaps her son would benefit from something such as preschool. However, if the OP is not working like I am, she can do other stuff with her son like take him to places to interact with other children his age or some fun classes like gymnastics, those kinds of things.

I'm amazed at how many people are so quick to say something is wrong with this child and he needs medical help asap.  I couldn't disagree more.  I think he just needs more stimulation.  Basically, he's bored.

That's just my opinion.


MistyMoo
by Ruby Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:57 AM
Yes, I knew a boy who was misdiagnosed. The doctors said he had ADHD and put him on meds and then about 3-4 years later he got evaluate again and it turns out that he had autism. Those medications he was taking for years made him very zombie like and they curbed his appetite.. He was VERY skinny, but now that he's off the meds, he's much better.. It's not good when they're misdiagnosed :-(

Quoting Crimsonia:

See here's the thing.... Asperger's Syndrome *IS* an Autism Spectrum Disorder..... it is NOT always recognizable because at a young age it LOOKS like ADD/ADHD or a "spoiled/undisciplined" child...

The problem is... Autistic children (and again AS IS a FORM OF Autism) REALLY need to be evaluated as early as possible... the sooner they are recognized, the sooner the parent can begin learning how to help their child develop the tools to get along better within the world of people who do not understand and do not CARE to understand those differences that separate an Autistic person from one whom is Neurotypical (read "normal").

Quoting SDarvasi:

You have NOT failed him. The fact that you're even reaching out for advice is good enough to know that you love him dearly and want what's best for him. fyi....I wouldn't be so quick to take him in to be evaluated just yet. Try some other things first..because doctors often times misdiagnose kids with ADHD and such, making kids take unneccesary drugs for life...


Quoting Sylv.the.Wine-O:

I plan to. I really do because i'm worried that this behavior is not normal and I don't want to ignore it any longer and get him help if he needs it.

I cannot help him and I feel like I have failed him.

Quoting liz.1986:

That sounds worrisome to me. I would have him evaluated by his pedi.




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