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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Death, how to deal?

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:45 AM
  • 9 Replies

My husband is a little weird about death, and I can't relate to him.  He is very closed off about it, maybe in denial.  He doesn't seem to handle it in what I feel is a healthy way.  Im calling upon the cafe moms to help ease him into his grandmothers transition while handling his feeling deilcately. 

Why do I think my husband is weird about death?  I've been able to talk to him very little about it, most of what I gathered came from my MIL.  When my husband was a teenager his Aunt and a couple of his first cousins were shot & killed by their father.  The father took off to Mexico & was on the America's Ten Most Wanted List for a long time.  He is still free and hasn't been found.  My husband has always been uber sensitive, this could have traumatized anyone, given my husbands personality he was even more so. 

I have had very little experience with death, 3 of my grandpa's have died.  The one I was closest to my husband was there with me.  He was really cold about it.  I was crying and he wasn't even offering a hug or telling me it would be ok. 

I myself am very awkward about consoling people when their loved ones die.  I just don't know what to say, I always fear they wont think im sincere.  So his coldness didn't make me angry, it just adds to his weirdness about death. 

Now it's his grandmother.  She is really old and is going to die of being old soon.  They used to be close when she was in better health, he would hang out there often and help her around the yard and house.  As she got older and her health poorer he visited her less.  The past couple months have been rough with her in and out of the hospital and we did go visit her once. 

I went into work today and my husband said, "Everyone is going to go see gramma today, I guess she isn't doing well at all.  They don't think she has much time left, today might be her last day.", I said, "Oh no im so sorry babe, should we go visit her today?", he said "I dont think so....last time we saw he she was in a lot better shape, and...I dont think so...."....

I was kinda stunned.  I feel bad for his grandma, she is going to want to see him.  My worst nightmare is laying out on my death bed unable to say goodbye to family members.   I didn't know what to say to him and just told him, "Ok....I think you should say goodbye to her." and gave him a hug.

What can I do? 

It really doesn't sit right with me that he wants to abandon his grandma and not say goodbye....

by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:45 AM
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Replies (1-9):
Kodysmommy928
by Platinum Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:49 AM
1 mom liked this

What do you mean "closed off"?  It sounds like he wants to remember her in a good light.  I can't blame him.  I refuse to go to funerals myself for the same reason and I have never cried over a loved one lost.  Death is simply a part of life and everyone deals with it differently.

lucky2Beeme
by Ruby Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:51 AM

I understand where you are coming from. Everyone handles death differently. you can't push him to go see her.you have to sit back and let him do what he is comfortable with. He will have to deal with not seeing her after she dies. He might be OK with it or maybe not. I really feel its a personal choice and other have to accpet each persons choices.

mommy10811
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:56 AM
everyone deals with death differnt hes handling it good he wants to reamber the good days not the day he saw her suffering in bed sick that is soo normal heck i ecen laughted at my brothers funral dont make me bad person and him being cold might of just been him givibg u ur space alot of people want space when someone dies
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MrCruzito
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:05 AM


Quoting Kodysmommy928:

What do you mean "closed off"?  It sounds like he wants to remember her in a good light.  I can't blame him.  I refuse to go to funerals myself for the same reason and I have never cried over a loved one lost.  Death is simply a part of life and everyone deals with it differently.

I can't blame him either, but its not about him.  His grandmother is the one dying, she is the one in need of her family right now.  I think its selfish of him, to abandon his grandmother cause he doesn't want to muddy up his memory of her.  I can understand why people dont go to funerals and the people in the casket couldn't give a shit if anyone was there....but when they are still alive, and you have the ability to say goodbye that you loved them. 

Isn't that what everyone always says, "I never even got to say goodbye!"...Its rare these days for people to be able to say goodbye.  I think it offers a great deal of peace and closure. 

What I mean by he is closed off about it is that he doesn't talk about it, or show much emotion about it, I can see the emotion on him, im his wife I can see the pain in his eyes and the fret in his heart but he wont say a word he just internalizes it, thats not healthy either...

I support people dealing with deal in any way they can...so long as it doesn't include breaking the heart of the person that isn't quite dead yet.  Talk about kicking someone when they are down...

   

MrCruzito
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:14 AM


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

I understand where you are coming from. Everyone handles death differently. you can't push him to go see her.you have to sit back and let him do what he is comfortable with. He will have to deal with not seeing her after she dies. He might be OK with it or maybe not. I really feel its a personal choice and other have to accpet each persons choices.

Well I guess all I can tell you is that I would be royal pissed off if I was on my death bed & someone I loved refused to say goodbye to me or allow me to say goodbye to them because they were queasy at the idea of seeing me so grosse and pathetic.  I just think its mean... 

lucky2Beeme
by Ruby Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:18 AM


Quoting MrCruzito:


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

I understand where you are coming from. Everyone handles death differently. you can't push him to go see her.you have to sit back and let him do what he is comfortable with. He will have to deal with not seeing her after she dies. He might be OK with it or maybe not. I really feel its a personal choice and other have to accpet each persons choices.

Well I guess all I can tell you is that I would be royal pissed off if I was on my death bed & someone I loved refused to say goodbye to me or allow me to say goodbye to them because they were queasy at the idea of seeing me so grosse and pathetic.  I just think its mean... 

   Oh I totally see it your way. Its your DH that doesn't. I just don't see how you could force him to go.

Surround yourself with people that add to your life not subtract from it.

MrCruzito
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:20 AM


Quoting mommy10811:

everyone deals with death differnt hes handling it good he wants to reamber the good days not the day he saw her suffering in bed sick that is soo normal heck i ecen laughted at my brothers funral dont make me bad person and him being cold might of just been him givibg u ur space alot of people want space when someone dies

I gotta say im not understanding these comparisons between funerals and deathbeds....I mean, thats great you laughed at your brothers funeral...Deaths are celebrated in my family, we usually have a party afterward.  The day you die you get to go home.  But while still on this earth its important to respect our elders.  He ought to say goodbye to her out of respect.  Wish her a safe journey.  I don't believe peopls tendencies at funerals have anything to do with how people treat the living that isn't dead just yet....
Yes proper etiquette when giving condolences is pretty much one that anything goes in. I wasn't made, it just clued me in that he is very standoffish with death.  I just think he would regret it....

MrCruzito
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:23 AM


Quoting lucky2Beeme:


Quoting MrCruzito:

 

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

I understand where you are coming from. Everyone handles death differently. you can't push him to go see her.you have to sit back and let him do what he is comfortable with. He will have to deal with not seeing her after she dies. He might be OK with it or maybe not. I really feel its a personal choice and other have to accpet each persons choices.

Well I guess all I can tell you is that I would be royal pissed off if I was on my death bed & someone I loved refused to say goodbye to me or allow me to say goodbye to them because they were queasy at the idea of seeing me so grosse and pathetic.  I just think its mean... 

   Oh I totally see it your way. Its your DH that doesn't. I just don't see how you could force him to go.

Yea, I can't......  I dont know the lady very well....but she absolutly adored my son....She always lit up when he came in.  I think he reminded her of someone.  Anyways...Yea  I can't do shit about it...I did just now ask him further, apparently his cousin already went and told him how aweful it was. 

EmilyMarshall
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 12:14 PM
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