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National Spank-Out Day! Calling all spankers with excuses!

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22 Alternatives to Punishment by Jan Hunt

Many parents recognize the harmful effects of physical and verbal punishment. They know that yelling, slapping, hitting, and spanking teach violence, destroy self-esteem, create anger, interfere with learning, and damage the relationship between parent and child.

Knowing what not to do is only the first step.

But knowing what not to do is only the first step; parents wonder what they should do instead. Unfortunately, most current parenting books and articles recommend "alternatives" which in reality are merely alternative punishments. These include time-out, denial of privileges, and so-called "logical" consequences.

All of these methods have much in common with physical punishment, and all give the same messages: that the parent has no interest in the underlying unmet needs that led to the behavior, and is taking unfair advantage of his greater size and power over the child. Most significantly, these approaches tell the child that someone he has come to love and trust wishes to cause him pain. This is a "crazy-making" message, because it is so alien to the child's intuitive understanding about what love should look like.

Finally, all of these approaches miss the best opportunities for learning. They sidetrack the child into fantasies of revenge, where he is too distracted to focus on the real issue at hand. True alternatives to punishment are those that help the child to learn and grow in a healthy way. There are few greater joys in life than allowing our child to teach us what love is!

Here are twenty-two alternatives that give positive, loving messages:

1. Prevent unwanted behavior by meeting your child's needs when they are first expressed. With her current needs met, she is free to move on to the next stage of learning.

2. Provide a safe, child-friendly environment. There is little point in having precious items within the reach of a baby or toddler, when they can simply be put away until the child is old enough to handle them carefully.

3. Apply the Golden Rule. Think about how you would like to be treated if you were to find yourself in the same circumstances as your child. Human nature is human nature, regardless of age.

4. Show empathy for your child's feelings. Even if a child's behavior seems illogical, his underlying feelings and needs are real to him. A statement like "You seem really unhappy" is a good way to show that you are on your child's side.

5. Validate your child's feelings so she knows that you understand and care, and that she will never be rejected for having any particular kinds of feelings. For example, "That scared me too when I was little."

6. Meet the underlying need that led to the behavior. If we punish the outward behavior, the still unmet need will continue to surface in other ways until it is finally met. Questions such as "Are you angry because I've been on the phone so much today? Would you like to go for a walk together?" can help a child feel loved and understood.

7. Whenever possible, find a "win-win" solution that meets everyone's needs. To learn effective conflict resolution skills, consider a course in Nonviolent Communication SM .

8. Reassure your child that he is loved and appreciated. So-called "bad" behavior is often the child's attempt to express his need for love and attention, in the best way that he can manage at that moment. If he could express this need in a more mature way, he would.

9. Shift the focus away from a situation that has become too stressful to resolve at that moment: "Let's take a break. What would you like to do instead?"

10. Be sure that you and your child have had nutritious food throughout the day so your blood sugar levels stay high. Frequent, small meals are best.

11. Breathe! When stressed, we need more oxygen, but tend to take shallow breaths. Even a few deep breaths can help us to calm down and think more clearly.

12. We don't expect a car to start unless the gas tank is filled, and we shouldn't expect a child to function at her best if her "emotional tank" is running low. Give the three things that fill a child's emotional tank: eye contact, gentle touch, and undivided attention.

13. Chamomile tea is very relaxing for both adults and children. Taken an hour before bedtime by a nursing mother, it can also help to calm her baby. Older children might like iced chamomile tea or popsicles.

14. Take a time out - with your child. A change of scenery - even if it's just a short time outdoors, can make a real difference for both parent and child.

15. Pick a Parenting Card for inspiration and encouragement or create some of your own reminder cards.

16. Offer a massage. A bedtime massage can help a child to sleep more soundly, giving her more resilience and energy for the following day.

17. Give choices. Children need to feel they have a voice. Offering choices, even if they seem unimportant to you ("Do you want the red cup or the blue one?") will help a child feel that he has some say over his life, especially if he has had to cope with recent changes.

18. Try whispering. When tensions are high, whispering can help to get a child's attention and also help to calm the parent.

19. Give your child time. A statement like "Let me know when you're ready to share the toy / climb into the car seat / put on your jacket" will give the child a sense of autonomy and make it easier for him to cooperate.

20. Give yourself time. Count to ten (silently) or ask for time ("I'm not sure what to say. Please give me a moment while I think this over." Sometimes we just need a bit of time to think more clearly and to see things more objectively.

21. Remember that children create images from our words: "Slow down!" is more effective than "Stop running!". The first statement creates an image of slowing down, while the second creates a picture of someone running (the word "don't" is too abstract to overcome the more concrete and compelling image of running). Similarly, a specific request is more effective than a general one: "Please put down the glass" instead of "Be careful".

22. Ask yourself "Will I look back at this later and laugh?" If so, why not laugh now? Create the kind of memory you would like to have when you look back on this day.

In these ways, we can best bring about the genuine cooperation that we seek at the moment. But our greatest reward will be a life-long, mutually loving and trusting bond with our child.

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/22_alternatives.html
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:05 AM
Replies (371-380):
pj2becca21
by Silver Member on May. 1, 2012 at 4:43 PM

LOL that is the funnest thing i have ever heard!!!! My husband tries to ask me to decide and my answer is always " it your money not mine. so i don't care"

Quoting wulfeyes05:

You can be as unequal as you want, but you won't see me just rolling over and doing whatever my husband tells me. Women are more than equipped to be equal to any man. A man isn't even supposed to decide anything without consulting his wife first.

Quoting pj2becca21:

To be honest. I choose to not be equal to my husband. I don't feel women are equal!!! 

Quoting wulfeyes05:

To the sumissive lady : My mom did everything for a man that she was engaged to. She stayed home while he worked and took care of us kids. She cooked, she cleaned, did all those "womanly, wifely" things and guess what he still cheated on her more than once with some gross chick. If a woman can bear children then she can damn well be equal to a man. Lets see a man carry a baby for nine months and then either squeeze it out or have it cut out of him. I'm a SAHM for now, but as soon as I get the chance, I'm going to school for my veterinary degree which my husband who sees me as an equal is supporting 110%. My husband who wants me to follow my dream and have my own vet practice. My husband who helps cook, clean, and raise our children. My husband whom I love and trust and know he will always be there for me. My husband who held my hand and laid next to me in a hospital bed telling me how amazing and perfect and beautiful I was while I was in labor. We have an equal partnership, we are each others bestfriends. He never looks down on me.

Quoting L1558:

Are you a man? LOL 

They ARE equal. I bring home a paycheck (well, two) and I love doing it. I don't want to stay in the kitchen, and if I'm going to have to cater to him so he doesn't stray, then I'm happier being single and doing as I please. :) I can work, take care of my home, eat what I want, and be just as equal as ever. :)

Quoting pj2becca21:

Men and women are not equal!!!! the only way men should cater to there wives is by bring home that paycheck so she can buy food and pay the bills. That it. the only job a women should ever have is cooking, cleaning, take care of their kids, while the husband works. and don't give me the shit "oh what him he leaves. Men who have a women that take care of their EVERY NEED don't cheat and are happier than other men. 

Quoting L1558:

Yeah, I noticed. I think women are equal to men, and husbands should cater to their wives' needs as well.

Quoting pj2becca21:

well in my opinion women should cater there husbands whim.  

Quoting L1558:

Nothing is wrong with raising her to have good values. PRoviding for your family and thinking you have to serve your future husband's every need are two different things. If she gets married, he'll be her partner, not her slave driver, right?

The word you are looking for is "strict". I agree with strict rules and chores, and values, for boys and girls BOTH. And I will raise my daughter to take care of herself and family but not to cater to some future man's whims. That would set up a bleak vision of her future.

But that is my opinion...you are entitled to yours.

Quoting pj2becca21:

What wrong with raising my daughter with good values. every girl need to know how the Provide for her family. 

None of this will ever work for my family!!! We have strick schedules, strick rules, And strick chores. My daughter know that they need to be done in a timely manor . Young girls need to know these thing and that is how i feel. 

Quoting L1558:


Quoting pj2becca21:

This is the biggest load of shit i have ever read. 

I can't stand the Natural raising method. I very strick and natural child raising don't not work in my house. I teaching my daughter to be able to suirve he future husbands every need. 

Sorry hon but you just come off sounding crazy here. Future husband's every need? Yeah, I'd never have wanted to get married...lol











daughteroftruth
by on May. 1, 2012 at 4:49 PM
Wow..not equal? So your daughter is less valube then men. Smh, wow. I hope your daughter grows up to have a mind of her own and doesn't end with a wife beater.

Quoting pj2becca21:

To be honest. I choose to not be equal to my husband. I don't feel women are equal!!! 

Quoting wulfeyes05:

To the sumissive lady : My mom did everything for a man that she was engaged to. She stayed home while he worked and took care of us kids. She cooked, she cleaned, did all those "womanly, wifely" things and guess what he still cheated on her more than once with some gross chick. If a woman can bear children then she can damn well be equal to a man. Lets see a man carry a baby for nine months and then either squeeze it out or have it cut out of him. I'm a SAHM for now, but as soon as I get the chance, I'm going to school for my veterinary degree which my husband who sees me as an equal is supporting 110%. My husband who wants me to follow my dream and have my own vet practice. My husband who helps cook, clean, and raise our children. My husband whom I love and trust and know he will always be there for me. My husband who held my hand and laid next to me in a hospital bed telling me how amazing and perfect and beautiful I was while I was in labor. We have an equal partnership, we are each others bestfriends. He never looks down on me.


Quoting L1558:

Are you a man? LOL 

They ARE equal. I bring home a paycheck (well, two) and I love doing it. I don't want to stay in the kitchen, and if I'm going to have to cater to him so he doesn't stray, then I'm happier being single and doing as I please. :) I can work, take care of my home, eat what I want, and be just as equal as ever. :)

Quoting pj2becca21:

Men and women are not equal!!!! the only way men should cater to there wives is by bring home that paycheck so she can buy food and pay the bills. That it. the only job a women should ever have is cooking, cleaning, take care of their kids, while the husband works. and don't give me the shit "oh what him he leaves. Men who have a women that take care of their EVERY NEED don't cheat and are happier than other men. 

Quoting L1558:

Yeah, I noticed. I think women are equal to men, and husbands should cater to their wives' needs as well.

Quoting pj2becca21:

well in my opinion women should cater there husbands whim.  

Quoting L1558:

Nothing is wrong with raising her to have good values. PRoviding for your family and thinking you have to serve your future husband's every need are two different things. If she gets married, he'll be her partner, not her slave driver, right?

The word you are looking for is "strict". I agree with strict rules and chores, and values, for boys and girls BOTH. And I will raise my daughter to take care of herself and family but not to cater to some future man's whims. That would set up a bleak vision of her future.

But that is my opinion...you are entitled to yours.

Quoting pj2becca21:

What wrong with raising my daughter with good values. every girl need to know how the Provide for her family. 

None of this will ever work for my family!!! We have strick schedules, strick rules, And strick chores. My daughter know that they need to be done in a timely manor . Young girls need to know these thing and that is how i feel. 

Quoting L1558:


Quoting pj2becca21:

This is the biggest load of shit i have ever read. 

I can't stand the Natural raising method. I very strick and natural child raising don't not work in my house. I teaching my daughter to be able to suirve he future husbands every need. 

Sorry hon but you just come off sounding crazy here. Future husband's every need? Yeah, I'd never have wanted to get married...lol









Posted on CafeMom Mobile
daughteroftruth
by on May. 1, 2012 at 4:50 PM
Lol..you are delusional...

Quoting pj2becca21:

Men and women are not equal!!!! the only way men should cater to there wives is by bring home that paycheck so she can buy food and pay the bills. That it. the only job a women should ever have is cooking, cleaning, take care of their kids, while the husband works. and don't give me the shit "oh what him he leaves. Men who have a women that take care of their EVERY NEED don't cheat and are happier than other men. 

Quoting L1558:

Yeah, I noticed. I think women are equal to men, and husbands should cater to their wives' needs as well.

Quoting pj2becca21:

well in my opinion women should cater there husbands whim.  

Quoting L1558:

Nothing is wrong with raising her to have good values. PRoviding for your family and thinking you have to serve your future husband's every need are two different things. If she gets married, he'll be her partner, not her slave driver, right?

The word you are looking for is "strict". I agree with strict rules and chores, and values, for boys and girls BOTH. And I will raise my daughter to take care of herself and family but not to cater to some future man's whims. That would set up a bleak vision of her future.

But that is my opinion...you are entitled to yours.

Quoting pj2becca21:

What wrong with raising my daughter with good values. every girl need to know how the Provide for her family. 

None of this will ever work for my family!!! We have strick schedules, strick rules, And strick chores. My daughter know that they need to be done in a timely manor . Young girls need to know these thing and that is how i feel. 

Quoting L1558:


Quoting pj2becca21:

This is the biggest load of shit i have ever read. 

I can't stand the Natural raising method. I very strick and natural child raising don't not work in my house. I teaching my daughter to be able to suirve he future husbands every need. 

Sorry hon but you just come off sounding crazy here. Future husband's every need? Yeah, I'd never have wanted to get married...lol






Posted on CafeMom Mobile
wulfeyes05
by Ruby Member on May. 1, 2012 at 4:53 PM

I can tell you one thing, it stopped him dead in his tracks. He had no reason not to hurt me, but I think he was more scared of an 8 year old who told him "Over my dead body." Than he was of any police officer.

Quoting pj2becca21:

No that kinda makes you dumb..... if that help you sleep at night fine. the smarter thing to do would have been call the cops when the fighting started!!!

Quoting wulfeyes05:

Oh and if I can stand between my mother and a knife weilding abusive boyfriend at age 8 then I'd say I'm pretty equal.

Quoting pj2becca21:

To be honest. I choose to not be equal to my husband. I don't feel women are equal!!! 

Quoting wulfeyes05:

To the sumissive lady : My mom did everything for a man that she was engaged to. She stayed home while he worked and took care of us kids. She cooked, she cleaned, did all those "womanly, wifely" things and guess what he still cheated on her more than once with some gross chick. If a woman can bear children then she can damn well be equal to a man. Lets see a man carry a baby for nine months and then either squeeze it out or have it cut out of him. I'm a SAHM for now, but as soon as I get the chance, I'm going to school for my veterinary degree which my husband who sees me as an equal is supporting 110%. My husband who wants me to follow my dream and have my own vet practice. My husband who helps cook, clean, and raise our children. My husband whom I love and trust and know he will always be there for me. My husband who held my hand and laid next to me in a hospital bed telling me how amazing and perfect and beautiful I was while I was in labor. We have an equal partnership, we are each others bestfriends. He never looks down on me.

Quoting L1558:

Are you a man? LOL 

They ARE equal. I bring home a paycheck (well, two) and I love doing it. I don't want to stay in the kitchen, and if I'm going to have to cater to him so he doesn't stray, then I'm happier being single and doing as I please. :) I can work, take care of my home, eat what I want, and be just as equal as ever. :)

Quoting pj2becca21:

Men and women are not equal!!!! the only way men should cater to there wives is by bring home that paycheck so she can buy food and pay the bills. That it. the only job a women should ever have is cooking, cleaning, take care of their kids, while the husband works. and don't give me the shit "oh what him he leaves. Men who have a women that take care of their EVERY NEED don't cheat and are happier than other men. 

Quoting L1558:

Yeah, I noticed. I think women are equal to men, and husbands should cater to their wives' needs as well.

Quoting pj2becca21:

well in my opinion women should cater there husbands whim.  

Quoting L1558:

Nothing is wrong with raising her to have good values. PRoviding for your family and thinking you have to serve your future husband's every need are two different things. If she gets married, he'll be her partner, not her slave driver, right?

The word you are looking for is "strict". I agree with strict rules and chores, and values, for boys and girls BOTH. And I will raise my daughter to take care of herself and family but not to cater to some future man's whims. That would set up a bleak vision of her future.

But that is my opinion...you are entitled to yours.

Quoting pj2becca21:

What wrong with raising my daughter with good values. every girl need to know how the Provide for her family. 

None of this will ever work for my family!!! We have strick schedules, strick rules, And strick chores. My daughter know that they need to be done in a timely manor . Young girls need to know these thing and that is how i feel. 

Quoting L1558:


Quoting pj2becca21:

This is the biggest load of shit i have ever read. 

I can't stand the Natural raising method. I very strick and natural child raising don't not work in my house. I teaching my daughter to be able to suirve he future husbands every need. 

Sorry hon but you just come off sounding crazy here. Future husband's every need? Yeah, I'd never have wanted to get married...lol












wulfeyes05
by Ruby Member on May. 1, 2012 at 4:55 PM

We make our finacial descisions together. He doesn't just go off buying things without asking me for my opinion first.

Quoting pj2becca21:

LOL that is the funnest thing i have ever heard!!!! My husband tries to ask me to decide and my answer is always " it your money not mine. so i don't care"

Quoting wulfeyes05:

You can be as unequal as you want, but you won't see me just rolling over and doing whatever my husband tells me. Women are more than equipped to be equal to any man. A man isn't even supposed to decide anything without consulting his wife first.

Quoting pj2becca21:

To be honest. I choose to not be equal to my husband. I don't feel women are equal!!! 

Quoting wulfeyes05:

To the sumissive lady : My mom did everything for a man that she was engaged to. She stayed home while he worked and took care of us kids. She cooked, she cleaned, did all those "womanly, wifely" things and guess what he still cheated on her more than once with some gross chick. If a woman can bear children then she can damn well be equal to a man. Lets see a man carry a baby for nine months and then either squeeze it out or have it cut out of him. I'm a SAHM for now, but as soon as I get the chance, I'm going to school for my veterinary degree which my husband who sees me as an equal is supporting 110%. My husband who wants me to follow my dream and have my own vet practice. My husband who helps cook, clean, and raise our children. My husband whom I love and trust and know he will always be there for me. My husband who held my hand and laid next to me in a hospital bed telling me how amazing and perfect and beautiful I was while I was in labor. We have an equal partnership, we are each others bestfriends. He never looks down on me.

Quoting L1558:

Are you a man? LOL 

They ARE equal. I bring home a paycheck (well, two) and I love doing it. I don't want to stay in the kitchen, and if I'm going to have to cater to him so he doesn't stray, then I'm happier being single and doing as I please. :) I can work, take care of my home, eat what I want, and be just as equal as ever. :)

Quoting pj2becca21:

Men and women are not equal!!!! the only way men should cater to there wives is by bring home that paycheck so she can buy food and pay the bills. That it. the only job a women should ever have is cooking, cleaning, take care of their kids, while the husband works. and don't give me the shit "oh what him he leaves. Men who have a women that take care of their EVERY NEED don't cheat and are happier than other men. 

Quoting L1558:

Yeah, I noticed. I think women are equal to men, and husbands should cater to their wives' needs as well.

Quoting pj2becca21:

well in my opinion women should cater there husbands whim.  

Quoting L1558:

Nothing is wrong with raising her to have good values. PRoviding for your family and thinking you have to serve your future husband's every need are two different things. If she gets married, he'll be her partner, not her slave driver, right?

The word you are looking for is "strict". I agree with strict rules and chores, and values, for boys and girls BOTH. And I will raise my daughter to take care of herself and family but not to cater to some future man's whims. That would set up a bleak vision of her future.

But that is my opinion...you are entitled to yours.

Quoting pj2becca21:

What wrong with raising my daughter with good values. every girl need to know how the Provide for her family. 

None of this will ever work for my family!!! We have strick schedules, strick rules, And strick chores. My daughter know that they need to be done in a timely manor . Young girls need to know these thing and that is how i feel. 

Quoting L1558:


Quoting pj2becca21:

This is the biggest load of shit i have ever read. 

I can't stand the Natural raising method. I very strick and natural child raising don't not work in my house. I teaching my daughter to be able to suirve he future husbands every need. 

Sorry hon but you just come off sounding crazy here. Future husband's every need? Yeah, I'd never have wanted to get married...lol












pj2becca21
by Silver Member on May. 1, 2012 at 5:21 PM

No i'm not. If i don't cook or clean it will never get done. My husband was never taught how to cook or clean, and i was so!!!! the only thing he know how to do is work. And i don't want to work because i would rather cook and clean and play with my daughter all day long 

Quoting daughteroftruth:

Lol..you are delusional...

Quoting pj2becca21:

Men and women are not equal!!!! the only way men should cater to there wives is by bring home that paycheck so she can buy food and pay the bills. That it. the only job a women should ever have is cooking, cleaning, take care of their kids, while the husband works. and don't give me the shit "oh what him he leaves. Men who have a women that take care of their EVERY NEED don't cheat and are happier than other men. 

Quoting L1558:

Yeah, I noticed. I think women are equal to men, and husbands should cater to their wives' needs as well.

Quoting pj2becca21:

well in my opinion women should cater there husbands whim.  

Quoting L1558:

Nothing is wrong with raising her to have good values. PRoviding for your family and thinking you have to serve your future husband's every need are two different things. If she gets married, he'll be her partner, not her slave driver, right?

The word you are looking for is "strict". I agree with strict rules and chores, and values, for boys and girls BOTH. And I will raise my daughter to take care of herself and family but not to cater to some future man's whims. That would set up a bleak vision of her future.

But that is my opinion...you are entitled to yours.

Quoting pj2becca21:

What wrong with raising my daughter with good values. every girl need to know how the Provide for her family. 

None of this will ever work for my family!!! We have strick schedules, strick rules, And strick chores. My daughter know that they need to be done in a timely manor . Young girls need to know these thing and that is how i feel. 

Quoting L1558:


Quoting pj2becca21:

This is the biggest load of shit i have ever read. 

I can't stand the Natural raising method. I very strick and natural child raising don't not work in my house. I teaching my daughter to be able to suirve he future husbands every need. 

Sorry hon but you just come off sounding crazy here. Future husband's every need? Yeah, I'd never have wanted to get married...lol







daughteroftruth
by on May. 1, 2012 at 7:01 PM
Your delusional because you think that woman are not equal, and should cater to their husband... that is delusional. What happens to you and your daughter if he dies? Or what happens to them if you die. And really, he doesn't know how to clean....? Right. My 7 yr old know how to clean and cook. Its great that you two have an arangment that work for you guys, but really its a flawd plan. It is sad that you have such low views of woman and yourself. My daughter is one of the greatest gifts I have ever recived. She will be taugh to be strong, capable, and independent. And you know what, my husband want the same for her... he also expects our sons to be the same way, so they know how to clean and cook as well...yeah that's right my husband knows how to clean and cook... he didn't need to be taught that, he is intellegent enough to figure those things out.

Quoting pj2becca21:

No i'm not. If i don't cook or clean it will never get done. My husband was never taught how to cook or clean, and i was so!!!! the only thing he know how to do is work. And i don't want to work because i would rather cook and clean and play with my daughter all day long 

Quoting daughteroftruth:

Lol..you are delusional...



Quoting pj2becca21:

Men and women are not equal!!!! the only way men should cater to there wives is by bring home that paycheck so she can buy food and pay the bills. That it. the only job a women should ever have is cooking, cleaning, take care of their kids, while the husband works. and don't give me the shit "oh what him he leaves. Men who have a women that take care of their EVERY NEED don't cheat and are happier than other men. 

Quoting L1558:

Yeah, I noticed. I think women are equal to men, and husbands should cater to their wives' needs as well.

Quoting pj2becca21:

well in my opinion women should cater there husbands whim.  

Quoting L1558:

Nothing is wrong with raising her to have good values. PRoviding for your family and thinking you have to serve your future husband's every need are two different things. If she gets married, he'll be her partner, not her slave driver, right?

The word you are looking for is "strict". I agree with strict rules and chores, and values, for boys and girls BOTH. And I will raise my daughter to take care of herself and family but not to cater to some future man's whims. That would set up a bleak vision of her future.

But that is my opinion...you are entitled to yours.

Quoting pj2becca21:

What wrong with raising my daughter with good values. every girl need to know how the Provide for her family. 

None of this will ever work for my family!!! We have strick schedules, strick rules, And strick chores. My daughter know that they need to be done in a timely manor . Young girls need to know these thing and that is how i feel. 

Quoting L1558:


Quoting pj2becca21:

This is the biggest load of shit i have ever read. 

I can't stand the Natural raising method. I very strick and natural child raising don't not work in my house. I teaching my daughter to be able to suirve he future husbands every need. 

Sorry hon but you just come off sounding crazy here. Future husband's every need? Yeah, I'd never have wanted to get married...lol







Posted on CafeMom Mobile
NonaScheib38
by Gold Member on May. 1, 2012 at 7:15 PM
This would be great advice if we were all sahms with only one child and no other responsibilites what so ever. I'm not a spanking parent, but that doesn't mean I can cater to my kids like this. I have three, and if they're all goin in different directions I'm only one woman. And as much as id Love to sit and chat w all of them about how they're feeling (especially if they're just screaming "no" to everything), its just unrealistic. I can't immediately drop everything, including my other children, because my toddler is upset about something.

Call me a lazy parent, but The world is not going to drop everything to cater to my child's needs now or as an adult. This form of parenting teaches children that they're not responsible for their bad behavior and outbursts because it was someone else's job to keep them from boiling over. People need to learn self control.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
HouseKatof2
by on May. 1, 2012 at 8:20 PM

 

Quoting swizzlefiz:

I don't buy into all the new age parenting crap.  

I have never understood why so many people think this is "new age parenting crap", or why it is so hard to believe that simply showing your children a little respect for their feelings and/or thoughts is some how demeaning to the parent. 

I am often asked, on CM and real life, what I have done different that I have never had to use any form of corporal punishment to correct my kids yet at almost 17 (at the end of this month) and 14 my kids are so well behaved, respectful, compassionate & easy going. While I will not say that I have followed the list provided in the OP, I did begin when my kids were very small. I never spoke to, or treated them, as though they were less than, or not able to understand simple reasoning. I validated their feelings, both positive and negative, and took the time to teach them how to handle those feelings in a meaningful/acceptable way. 

By raising my kids to know that they are respected they know that there is nothing we can't talk about in this house. We discuss things long before they ever become a problem. My kids are not bullied or bullies. They are strong & self confident, with no need to tear others down to feel better about themselves, or allow others to tear them down. They are very capable of standing up for themselves and others, but doing so in a way that is never filled with hate and/or spite. 

The biggest rule in our house has always been "Never Touch Another Person's Life In A Negative Way". If there is nothing positive to be said/gained from a particular situation, simply excuse yourself and move on.

Am I a prefect parent? Far from it. My parents, however, have taken a great deal of pride in stating that I am a better person than they are/were. I take great pride in the fact that my kids are already better people than my husband & I. My greatest legacy as a parent isn't in the opinions of others towards my parenting skills. It is in the people that my children are, and will become. That is all the proof and validity I need to feel confident that I have made the right choices with my children.  

None of the things I have passed on to my kids are "new age". They are tools I was raised with from my parents. They were tools my parents learned from wanting to be the very opposite of the abusive parents they both grew up with. Hopefully, they are the same tools my children will use when they have kids of their own.   

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twilightmom6545
by Bronze Member on May. 2, 2012 at 1:18 AM

 Wow Really? Hun there is a HUGE Effing difference in SPANKING and BEATING. Someone needs to go back to school

Quoting AlyBren:

Spankers show their true colours when given the chance. I love it.

Keep going, baby beaters. Your time will come.

 

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