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Touchy subject, opinions please *update - last update

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So I have shared with you ladies before that 11 years ago my husband and I had a daughter that passed away. She was 7 months old and we decided to donate her organs. We had it put in our file that we did not want contact from any of the other families ever. The only thing I know is that she saved three other babies. I just wanted into be over and I didn't want reminders of what I couldn't have.

If you were in this position and you found out that one of the other families had written a letter would you want to see it or not?

*Thank you all for your very kind words, even the one who thinks I'm selfish. I think I will read the letter. This may be hard to understand, but I'm scared of being jealous or resentful of what they have. Does that make me a terrible person? I hope not. Again, thank you- you all really do know how to put the judgement aside and be here for each other when we need to be.

Last update: I just wanted to let you all know that you have truly helped me come to term with the feelings I have been having. I have decided I am not ready to read the letter. But I am going to accept it and put it away until the time comes that I am ready. Thank you all for taking the time to share your well wishes and condolences with me. Also I would like to say that after all these years I would not change my decision about organ donation.
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by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:07 AM
Replies (281-290):
by on May. 1, 2012 at 1:36 PM
2 moms liked this
I get what you mean, I have been on this site a long time and I have come to learn that you can not let mean spirited words hurt you. I have very much taken comfort from those who have connected with me, and the mean ones can shove it.

Quoting Hannah-Belle:

I appreciate you <3

I understand why you made this post but I hope you didn't put too much "care" into every one of these responses. Some people handle grief very ugly and it breaks my heart for them. I hope you do whatever brings you the most peace. Do it for you, not for cafemom replies =)

I hope that came out right... It was meant with lots of love...

Quoting kristyann:

Oh, honey I am so very sorry about your son. I can tell you that it will get easier. Also I know it may seem like your husband is handling this better than you, but I can tell you from experience that he may be holding it inside to stay strong for you. Please make sure you let him know that it is okay to not be strong. Thank you for your kind words, and if you need to talk at all please feel free to message me anytime.

Quoting Hannah-Belle:

I'm sorry for your loss <3

We just lost our son in March. His organs wouldn't have been viable for donation but we donated his body to genetic research. I would have appreciated knowing or hearing from other families if I had been in your situation. But I have learned, in the shirt time dealing with our grief, that everyone is different with what they need and want when it comes to healing. In our home, I am the one who needs more from our loss and my husband needs less (that is how I would describe it anyways). Have you found yourself feeling differently now then you did then with not wanting to know?

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by on May. 1, 2012 at 1:42 PM
1 mom liked this

I really can't believe you are calling her selfish.  If I were the one whose baby was saved by these brave parents, I probably would want to thank them.  HOWEVER.....I would also understand that it was probably a very difficult decision for them and an excruciating time in their lives.  I would be understanding that they may just hurt too much to open those old wounds.  Writing the letter would make me feel better but I would not expect them to read it if they just couldn't bring themselves to do so.  I think there needs to be compassion and understanding on both sides and each must do what is right for them.  Everyone handles grief and pain in their own way, there is no wrong or right.

by on May. 1, 2012 at 3:00 PM
I don't think its selfish. You did what I could not ever do. I wouldnt be able to donate organs which if you think about it makes you very giving not selfish. I think eventually I would want to read them. You might surprise yourself and have a lil moment of happiness at what your daughter gave other families or some comfort knowing these ppl went thru at least part of what you did and know that while they are very thankful for the precious gifts she gave them they are probably also sad at what had to be lost for them to gain. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Good luck
by Platinum Member on May. 1, 2012 at 3:37 PM

You are not a terrible person and I don't know how anyone could call you selfish. So many people wast an opportunity to give to others bc they are over come with grief. You have done enough. I think a little jelousey is normal in this situation but it might help to hear that your dd brief life touched more people than just you and dh. You deserve to hear that good has come out of this, even if it hurts it might help you heal a little bit. God bless you and you family. 

by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:00 PM

 First let me say how sorry I am for your loss...I know there are no words to ease the pain even though it was so long agon.  I lost my son 5 yrs ago and still have days were I miss him so much I dont think I go on.  I think your decision to read the letter would be a very hard one and I am not sure that I would.  As you said it would be hard to be jealous of what someone else has and I dont.  But I think that I would atleast feel like some good came out of the bad KWIM?  Because my son had Trisomy 18 we were not even able to donate any of his organs so thankfully never had to make the decision that you did.

by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:04 PM
god bless you, truly. It takes a lot for a parent that has lost a child give little parts of them to another like that .it is no minor action... i would read it.
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by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:06 PM
I think that I would enjoy reading a letter, but I think I would be too emotional for a face to face conversation.
You did a wonderful thing donating her organs. Thank you.
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by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:06 PM

 I don't think anything you feel or might feel makes you a terrible person in this case. You have every right to the full spectrum of emotion. You have every right to a twinge of resentment, or jealousy, or anger. The key is going to be not letting it consume you.


by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:10 PM
I would not.
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by Bronze Member on May. 1, 2012 at 8:11 PM
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First off I want to start by saying your are an AMAZING Mother.  What you did for your child and those other children is the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do.  Because of you, your child will live on in those children for many many years to come.  You helped save 3 lives while keeping your child's memory alive. You can view your child as a life saver.  As for the letter that is totally up to you.  In time you may choose to read it and then again you may not.  Feeling scared you may have feelings of jealousy or resent is all normal.  You have feelings and those feelings can't be changed.   I think at some point you will come to your decision and that will be what's best for you.  I don't know who would ever think you are selfish for what you are choosing to do but they need to rethink their words and put themselves in your shoes.  No matter who you are or how you look at it this situation can't be easy.  Hugs Momma and I wish you all the best!!!

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