Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Touchy subject, opinions please *update - last update

Posted by   + Show Post
So I have shared with you ladies before that 11 years ago my husband and I had a daughter that passed away. She was 7 months old and we decided to donate her organs. We had it put in our file that we did not want contact from any of the other families ever. The only thing I know is that she saved three other babies. I just wanted into be over and I didn't want reminders of what I couldn't have.

If you were in this position and you found out that one of the other families had written a letter would you want to see it or not?

*Thank you all for your very kind words, even the one who thinks I'm selfish. I think I will read the letter. This may be hard to understand, but I'm scared of being jealous or resentful of what they have. Does that make me a terrible person? I hope not. Again, thank you- you all really do know how to put the judgement aside and be here for each other when we need to be.

Last update: I just wanted to let you all know that you have truly helped me come to term with the feelings I have been having. I have decided I am not ready to read the letter. But I am going to accept it and put it away until the time comes that I am ready. Thank you all for taking the time to share your well wishes and condolences with me. Also I would like to say that after all these years I would not change my decision about organ donation.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:07 AM
Replies (291-300):
by on May. 1, 2012 at 8:22 PM

Anyone who thinks your selfish must never have gone through what you've experienced. I lost my sweet Dad to cancer 2 years a go and I have days where I wish he were still here so I can only imagine what you must feel every day. You're not a terrible person if you feel jealous or resentful IMHO. You're human and it's normal to have certain feelings when you go through a terrible loss. Hugs to you. I will keep praying for you.

Jesus is my Saviour!!!!!!!!!!!

by Silver Member on May. 1, 2012 at 8:26 PM

That would be hard but I think I would do it.  I'm so sorry for your loss. 

It has been 11 years and, although they have a child that was saved by yours, they are obviously very grateful.  Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

by on May. 1, 2012 at 8:28 PM
I would want to read the letter. So sorry for your loss.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on May. 1, 2012 at 8:30 PM
This. Perfectly said.

Quoting Anonymous:

I would want to see the letter, but probably not for a while after the loss of my child. But I think knowing that other parents did not have to go through what I did because of the gift my child gave their child would be very  comforting.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by Anonymous 18 on May. 1, 2012 at 8:32 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with sfkdny

Quoting sfkdny:

you have some dare you say this to the OP?

Quoting dsk886:
But I as a parent that understands that pain I think that your being selfish.

by Silver Member on May. 1, 2012 at 9:44 PM

I am so sorry about your loss I can't imagine the pain you must feel and I am sure you miss her maybe that was her purpose in life to save 3 other babies I know that may sound bad to others but I believe we are all here for a reason and I know I would read the letter the joy and thankfulness the family feels for you not being selfish and sharing what your baby could no longer use is the gift from it. I know I wouldn't feel any negativity toward the family but i do see things much different. :) Good luck sweetie and you are such a wonderful person for helping save those other babies I know you didn't get to keep your baby girl but you did save 3 others such a wonderful blessing you have given those parents  :)

by Ruby Member on May. 1, 2012 at 10:54 PM

I dont know, I have never been in that situation before. What I do know is it varies for each individual. Some people would feel at peace after reading it. Some people would only see it as a reminder of what they dont have. There are many stages to grief you have to decide if you are ready for it.

by Emerald Member on May. 2, 2012 at 12:01 AM

Regarding your update OP: no I don't think that makes you a bad person at all. I think it makes you normal and the fact that you are so aware of your feelings makes you quite emotionally mature.

I really hope this experience helps you and gives you some peace and maybe even joy.

by Ruby Member on May. 2, 2012 at 12:10 AM


Quoting kristyann:

Please tell me that you did not just say I was being selfish by not reading the letter.

I also spent hours begging and praying while watching my child on life support. My prayers just weren't answered.

Quoting dsk886:

 Oh believe when I say that I know what you mean when you crawl up a hole and die. I spent two months in a hospital. Hours and hours of watching my baby and montiors, talking to numours doctors and nurses, and alot of praying and begging. Walking down the hallway of the hospital dropping to the ground and crying not being able to pick myself up. My husband had to pick me up and take me back to the room. The quilt that I had and still have that I couldn't protect her from this.

Aren't you curious what that mother who carries her own pain of her child and YOUR child saved him/her has to say to you.

I understand that you carry your own pain. But I as a parent that understands that pain I think that your being selfish. And what if its not from the mother/father what if it's from that child.

Maybe you and that mother can connect on a different level than anyone else. Cause her child has a piece of your child.

Quoting kristyann:

Believe me I understand that the other families are grateful. But it took me years to be able to just get throw a day without wanting to crawl into a hole and die. I am afraid of going back there. They won't know wether I read the letter or not.

Quoting dsk886:

 Ok..My daughter has 3rd degree heart block. her heart beats at 60 beats insited of 140-160 beats. The plan for my daughter is to get a pace maker. If that doesn't work it will be a heart transplant. If that doesn't work then..death. Being in the situation of a mother whose baby gets a heart or organ i would be so grateful. I would want you to read the letter. I would probley poor my heart out to you. As a mother who would have to go thourgh the same thing. If I could understand why you wouldn't but its been 11 years. Even though it is thoug i would want to know what was said. What her situation is.

I have heard of when organs past they a peice of yourself too.


How could you call her selfish? Only god can judge a person. I think that was a very rude thing to say..........



by Ruby Member on May. 2, 2012 at 10:33 AM

I would read the letter. I would like to know that my pain helpped save someone that same pain.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)