I have never been a violent person, ever! Until I got divorced, its a very long story that i will try to condense, but my ex husband cheated on me with my best friend (fun).. We separated got back together did the marriage counseling (we have now 5yr dd) split up 4 months later again he moved me out of my home with my daughter and into an apartment, i said fuck him and started seeing someone, when he found out he flipped out and bought a gun and tried to commit suicide, while he was in the hospital he was diagnosed as manic depressant a form of bipolar. so we talked about staying together and i moved him into the apartment because he had destroyed the house. After about two weeks he moved out and started seeing some chick moved in with her 2 hrs away with her 4 kids and married her less than a year after our divorce. Now the abuse... the last time he walked out i snapped, i felt so unwanted, worthless and so many other feeling (non of them condone hitting someone) but i did i snapped and i just went at him fists flying, he called me pathetic.
Now I am in a relationship and have been for about a year in a half. He has his faults very controlling and at times very immature, but i love him, he is amazing with my daughter he does so much for me and her and loves us both, he looks at my daughter as his own. But he is emotionally abusive, he ignores me, or blames me for all our problems, i feel like a terrible person. I use to chalk it up to language he is Hispanic his English is good but he doesn't get my humor or American sayings sometimes and takes things the wrong way.
So we got into a fight last night, I'm about 3 months pregnant so I'm tired and sick and emotional I'm a wreck i didn't experience this with my daughter. I fell asleep before him, he was watching a program on his laptop. Well I'm still not sure what he did, wheat her he was loud or if he got in my face or some sudden movement but it woke me up but it scared me and jumped and was like oh my god. He was like fine if your going to be like that i'm going to sleep down stairs. ??? I was so confused. This happens alot where he get mad over nothing or something that i have no clue about, so i got up which was my first mistake i followed him down stairs and asked what the problems was he said leave me alone i'm going to sleep well then i got mad, it just pissed me off he does this all the time where he goes off and wont talk to me, he ignores me and since my ex i dont back down anymore, i get in his face and aggravate the situation to the point he wants to walk out, well i pushed him out the door down the steps and out the yard, cause i'm to the point where i just dont understand whats going on and i dont know how to fix it. I know putting my hands on him is wrong and i'm lucky he's not my dad he would back handed me. (Dad beat my mom when i was a child) i walked with him all the way down the street trying to talk to him, and eventually we come home together and talk and i apologize, but i just feel like there has to be something that we can do to help our communication that can keep me from this physical anger i express, i was never like this before and i dont want to be like this now because again as much as we aggravate each other we love each other just as much. He is very old fashion and we dont have the money for counseling, i dont know what else i can do, but something has to happen, the stress isnt good for any of us but mostly our baby on the way. I know this is confessions, but i need guidance as well. I'm posting anon because i'm embarrassed.