being a single stay at home mom is really taking a toll on me
Before you jump to conclusions, Im not just some lazy SAHM living off of welfare. yes we get some PA, but very minimal.
I quit my job shortly after I became pregnant with DS in April of 2008 to move in with his father in a different state. He all of the sudden raised some red flags and I delayed the move, to try to sort things out and to make sure it would be a good idea to take myself, dd, and the baby I was pregnant with him, to where I had no one. no family. no one! After I had weird feelings I decided not to. He was angry called me a whore, ect ect. It just confirmed that I made the right decision. In July of 2008 and after much pondering if I would even keep the baby or not, I found out I had fibroid tumors, and they couldnt find his heart beat. I was scared, and realized I did want to fight for him and to keep him, even though I was on bedrest. At this time I was living with my big brother who was never home. He was a truck driver so he was always on the road. After I was put on bedrest my grandma and I talked and decided to move in with her so that I would have help with DD.
i spent the rest of my prenancy on bed rest, it was miserable I was in pain every single day of it, and it was not enjoyable what so ever. I had him at36 weeks in November of 2008. Everything was fine, and was taken straight to the nursery for what they say was low blood sugar. I took him home the night before Thanksgiving. He kept going into blue spells, coughing attacks and it was terrible. They kept telling me it was allergies, a cold, ect ect. Wed go to the ER constantly, doctors constantly. And since they never seen him turn blue theirselves they just let it go. I finally was able to get on our feet. We moved into a house, just the two kids and I. I worked 3 jobs and went to school for my GED. My Grandma watched the kids while I worked at my house. They werent real 9-5 jobs. I had my own house cleaning business that I had my own hours for. I cleaned a car dealership, and I was a home health aide. So I wasnt working 120 hours a weekk but it was still more than 40, 7 days a week. When I took DS to his 4 month check up our pedi told me she was concerned with his head circumference. At 5 months he had his first CT scan that came up "normal" Then my Grandma became very sick. I quit two of my jobs, and my GED classes and moved back in with my Grandma to help her out.
When he was 8 months old, he became very very sick. Aside from what was already happening. I prayed that he wuld turn blue so that the Doctors would see him do this so I could get them to believe me. My prayer was granted and they believed me. They wanted him to see a pumonologist, an ENT, be tested for cystic fibrosis, and all these other crazy things. They were almost as scared as I was when they seen him.
We gained all these insane specialists, and I had to finally quit my house cleaning business due to him being sick and Gma not being able to take care of him anymore. She was too scared. At 11 months he was hospitalized in the childrens hospital for 5 months off and on. We pretty much lived there. They did so many tests that cameback normal, and couldnt do the other tests bc it required him to be put to sleep but they didnt want to put him to sleep with how sick he was, but finally they did it. We got a diagnosis, and they became concerned again about his head size. They diagnosed hi with hydrocephalus (water on thebrain) tracheobronchomalacia, stenosis of the airway, and an immune disorder they never really diagnosed. Our caseworker, stressed to me how important it was for me to stay home. He almost qualified for home health care, but was right on the line for it. you have to be on so much oxygen a day in order to qualify and he missed it by like 3 hours. He couldnt go to daycare, or hed get really sick. Last year he got better enough to go to a real daycare center an hour away for 3 hours while I attendended GED classes, and I completed that, and got my GED diploma shortly after. He did get sick a lot and I did miss a lot so it took longer than expected but we did it!! He is now in a developmental preschool 3 hours a day. He just missed 2 weeks because he got sick. So its clear I still can not look for work.
Anyways you get the point. I havent worked because DS was super sick and had severe delays as well. Ive been a stay at home single mom for pretty much 4 years, and its killing me. I feel worthless, I feel unneeded. My house is a disaster, Im angry and I dont know how to pick myself up again. I am exhausted, I have gained tons of weight, and I am sick of it. I want to do better. I Need to do better. Im so tired of my body hurting, and being exhasuted. Im tired of my life being so messy. The whole thing is messy, everything in my life is a mess. I have strayed away from most of my friends because they just cant relate. They are all marrried with healthy children and have their own lives to deal with. I dont want them feeling sorry for me, and I dont wanna hear about their perfect lives either. We just had nothing in common anymore.
I dont know where to pick myself up at. I dont know what to do or where to go. I know what I want, but I just cant get there feeling like this. Im on meds, they dont work, and Ive been on several diff kinds. They dont work.
I dont know where to begin to get better. I just dont know anymore..Ive turned in resumes and stuff to just make myelf feel better, but when Ithey offer me the job and I realize I really cant work the hours they are offering I obviously have to back out. I cant wait to go back to work, and live a normal life. I love staying at home with him, but its taking a toll on me. BAD!!!
I dontknow the point of my post, I guess its for multiple reasons. I just needed to vent, know what others would do in my situation, and I hope it opens up peoples mind a bit..