I'm posting this anon because I am so goddamned embarrassed. I went to the doctor yesterday and the doctor said I have what's called a blighted ovum. Of course, she doesn't want to "give up hope" so I am being forced to go through another quantitative Hcg test tomorrow and another ultrasound on Friday. I am so angry at myself, I want to scream and shout and cry and bury myself in a hole and never come out. I feel like I've failed my husband and my family. I don't want another ultrasound, I don't want to see what could have been again! My poor mother has decided to hold out hope, but all I want to do is put this behind me and pretend it never happened. I don't even know if I want to try again after this. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me! No one in my family has trouble with children. They all call pop out three or four and they are all beautiful and healthy, I'm the only loser who can't even do the one thing that makes you a woman. I';m sorry, I have to stop, I can't even see for crying now. I just needed to tell someone how I feel.
I am getting my D&C tomorrow. I don't know quite how to express how I'm feeling right now. I lost hope on Tuesday so it's not like this was a surprise, I think I'm more mad that they gave me false hope only to rip it away from me. The midwife I spoke to on Tuesday was nice and she tried to let me down as easily as possible, but the doctor I spoke to today was nothing but a pompas dick and he didn't even bother to give me his full attention while telling me he is going to have to rip my dreams of having a child out of me. Sorry, that was kind of vulgar, but I'm still seething.