These are the things that happened to me in my abusive marriage. I have never told anyone the whole story, I have told bits and peices of it to my fiance, but these things still haunt me to this day. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I stayed with him as long as I did and let these things happen. At the time, he had me convinced I had to listen to him. Now that I'm not in it anymore, I can't believe that was ever me in that position and that I was so weak minded. I need to get it out, but I also hope that if there are any women out there in the same position, they can see from my experience that they can get out and break the mind control and abuse.
I met him online. I wasn't looking for anyone, we were in a chatroom together. I was 19, it was very random. I used to talk to random people on the phone all the time just out of boredom. Nothing dirty or weird, just regular conversations (where are you from, what's it like there, what do you do...). He was one of them, but with him it was different. He was very smart and our conversations were very philosophical. We exchanged pictures. We started talking daily. We both wanted marriage and a lot of kids. We decided to meet in person. We met and everything was great. We kept a long distance relationship going for a while, we visited each other a few more times, and then I moved to be with him. Stupid. After about a month, the abuse started. I had been with two people before him and that made him angry and jealous.He started calling me a whore and a slut. He started cutting me off from my friends, saying they were the reason I was such a slut. Still, he always apologized and gave me some reason why he acted that way and that he wouldn't do it anymore. Then, one day, he was yelling at me and I left. I went to a friend's house and didn't come back until that night. When I got back he started going crazy, so I called someone to come get me. He followed me outside, grabbed me around my neck and took me back in. He took my phone and threw it up against the wall and broke it. After he did that, he choked me and threatened me. I was scared, but young and stupid...and believed him when he apologized and told me he loved me and he didn't mean it, he just got too mad.
I got pregnant with our oldest daughter. I was sooo happy to be pregnant. He eased up on me for a while until he found out it was a girl. He was angry because he wanted a boy. Then, when I was 6 months pregnant, he cheated on me. He confessed and cried and swore he'd never hurt me again. I was numb and I was pregnant and scared to be alone. So I stayed. The fighting continued through my pregnancy. I can't tell you why I stayed there because I don't know. I look back and I have no good explanation. We were married by this point, he had me convinced that God would punish me for leaving him because God hates divorce. And that if I thought I was leaving with his child, he would kill me. The night before I delivered, he hit me across the face so hard, I had bruises around my eye. At the hospital, the doctors and nurses kept asking me if I was ok at home. I was too afraid to say no. After our daughter was born, things calmed down for a week. My mom came to help me, so I was safe for that week. We fought off and on. When the baby was a couple weeks old, we had the worst fight so far. He started in on me about being a whore and a slut and I stood up for myself. It ended with an entire thing of laundry detergent all over the floor because he threw it, he kicked me in my vagina where I had stitches from giving birth, he choked me and threw me around the room by my throat and was yelling "How does it feel to die, bitch??" He threw his drink on me while I was holding the baby and trying to feed her. And then it was every night. the fighting, yelling, screaming, hitting, blocking me in a room so I couldn't get out, asking me questions about every detail of the men I had slept with before I was with him. Wanting to know how big their dicks were, what positions we did it in, every little detail. I told him it wasn't his business, I told him I didn't remember...he called me a liar and hit me. He was relentless. If I answered, I got hit worse. He made me have sex with him. I didn't want to, but I wasn't allowed to say no. If i said no, that gave him every right to cheat on me...or hold me down and take it. As he said it, "You can't rape your wife." I was pregnant again when our daughter was 6 weeks old. This time it was a boy, so one less thing to worry about. We moved into a better apartment and things got better for a while. Did I mention he smoked weed this entire time? I don't have anything against weed, so I didn't think it was a big deal at first, but he was truly an addict. I didn't know you could be addicted to weed like that. If he didn't have it, he flipped the fuck out. I had to go buy it for him. So this continued, on and off, through 4 children. He decided he was bored with me and I was boring in bed. The thing is, when I'd want to try something new, he'd say "Oh, that's something you did with one of your boyfriends, right? You fucking slut." He only wanted to be on top and that was it. But I was boring.So, he started talking to women online. He started calling and texting them. if i confronted him, I got hit. Once, I told him he was a pussy for hitting a woman, but he wouldn't hit a man. He threw me up against the wall so hard, my shoulder blade made a dent in the wall. He would make me and the kids stay in their bedroom while he chatted online. My poor babies...my oldest was potty training and she had to go potty, but he wouldn't let us come out. I had to put a pull up on her and tell her it was ok to pee in it. I'll never forget the look on her face...she was scared. When I was pregnant with our 4th, he cheated on me...like actually met up with a woman in a hotel and slept with her. before he actually went through with it, I questioned him. He had a fit. I had a dr appointment, so i went and when I came back he was asleep. I woke him up to let him know I was back and he flipped out on me because I took too long. He threw the remote at me and I told him he shouldn't mind because it gave him time to talk to his girlfriend. I don't remember everything about what happened next. I remember him being on top of me on the bed and hitting me repeatedly in the face. Then I remember falling backwards over a toy bin. The plastic broke and cut my leg all the way up. I hit my head on the wall. We didn't speak the rest of the night, except he told me he was sorry. The next day I had bruises all down the side of my face. So many times he got angry and hit me or choked me. He'd lose something and blame it on me and dump the trash can out and stand over me screaming at me to clean it up. He'd keep me up all night tormenting me, calling me names, telling me what a moron I was for forgetting something at the store. He told me I was fat and ugly and no one would want me because I had 4 kids and my pussy was loose. (Which, by the way, I found out after I left that apparently I'm beautiful and lots of guys wanted to date me. And the one guy I chose let me know how amazed by my vagina he was because it was so tight. Yay kegels.) He continued to cheat on me, continued to berate me, continued to hit me. He was smoking a lot of weed, but then he got kidney stones. He left the hospital with a prescription for percocet. The weed was no longer a problem...it was pills. Then heroin. Then he withdrew from that and got a doctor to give him adderall. He got hooked on that. Couldn't get any more prescriptions for it, so he started doing coke. Every drug he did, I bought for him. I knew every drug dealer and they knew me. They knew I didn't do drugs, they knew it was for him. The coke dealer decided that he wouldn't sell to him anymore because he felt bad for me and the kids. So my ex started getting it froma guy at work.
During this whole time, he watched porn. I don't care so much, but he made me give him head while he watched it. This was what we did instead of sex. It wasn't mutual and it wasn't enjoyable. He took FOREVER to cum, but if I stopped or complained, he had a tantrum and hit me. He went from porn to searching women out in chatrooms with webcams to watch me give him head while he watched them masturbate. He made me get on the webcam with these women and pretend to be bi and take my clothes off for them while he watched. All the while, cheating on me, doing drugs, hitting me, berating me.
Finally, after 7 years, I snapped out of it. I thought, "Why in the world would God be mad at me? Why am I letting myself be treated this way? Where the fuck have I been for the past 7 years?" It was like waking up from a horrible dream. He knew something was wrong. He started buying me things and being so nice. he said he wanted to fix things...but I was already gone mentally. He started saying he would come after me and kill me if I left. He'd kill my family for letting me stay with them. he'd get a grenade and blow himself up in my grandparents' livingroom and take us all with him. I was pretty sure he was full of shit. I told my dad I needed to get out. My parents are divorced, but he called my mom and they came up with a plan. They came and got me and the kids while he was at work. He came home at lunch to a letter and a print out of his most recent conversations with two different women. One he had been sleeping with for the past two years, and the other he was trying to get. He called me crying, apologizing, promising to get help. But by that point, I knew better. His manipulation and his way with words...I knew it was all bullshit. I hated him. I had spent the first couple of years loving him and being so hurt by his actions. I spent the following years hating him...more and more every day. The good times were so few and I couldn't live my life waiting for the next time he wasn't angry. I couldn't stand to look at him or touch him or talk to him or sleep in the same bed with him. I wasted 7 years of my life. I'm glad I have my children, they are the only part of it I don't regret.
I have trust issues and self worth issues because of him. My fiance is a wonderful man. He would never do any of those things to me. I still flinch when we play fight. I still feel the urge to look through his phone. I look in the mirror and see all the things that make me ugly. I make a mistake and I think about how stupid I am. Honestly. nothing I could ever do would be as stupid as staying married to that man for 7 years. Nothing. I'm ashamed of myself for that. Nobody deserves it.