But I don't have the strength to deny myself food. I can sometimes make it through one day without eating but the hunger pains always get to me. I'm tired of being so big and every time I go on a diet, I never lose more than 5 lbs before I go back up to 180. It's frustrating and depressing. If I could just learn to stop eating, I'll be much happier.
ETA I'm sorry if this post appears to be flippant. It's not my intention. I do understand the dangers of anorexia and I am afraid of the consequences. I am not trying to joke about it. But I do think about it daily. That is a fact and my confession. I get so tired of feeling good the first week of my diet and then feeling so low when it feels like all my effort was in vain. There is nothing medically wrong with me that's preventing me from losing weight and I don't understand wht it's so hard. I keep a very close eye on my calories and I walk or bike daily.
Also, I am sorry for those who have or know someone who suffered from this disease. It's never happened to anyone I know and I understand how it looks like I'm not taking it seriously.
UPDATE: I want to thank everyone who read this and took it seriously. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your help and advice. I think that's exactly what I needed. You've helped me get motivated again. I know I need to keep working on this. And thank you to those who provided me with some new resources. I'm feeling so much more capable than I was this morning.