FOURTH EDIT: I may cause bodily harm to my husband tonight (not really but I am FUCKING pissed!)
Question: What do you think?
I think this is cheating. OP should leave.
I think this is cheating, but OP should attempt to reconcile.
I don't consider this cheating.
Total Votes: 145
Question: What do you think?
Total Votes: 145
I was on my husband's computer today because my wireless went down on my laptop. I was looking for a fucking thin crust pizza recipe for my mom.. I found it, then called her with it, and decided I wanted to make said thin crust pizza for supper tonight too - I went to the history to bring up the page, and also found "no registration sex chat" and "free adult chat" in the search history. I investigated a little more, and found a site that he did register on, and message that he sent to another woman. The message was explicit and made it sound like he's talked to this person before. It asks for your password to view the entire convo, so I only saw his initial message. It also asks for the password to view messages from earlier than 24hours ago. There were messages dating back more than 6 months that I can tell, except I can't view any of them.
Now don't get me wrong - I'm no prude - We have a very active sex life, and I am all for pretty much whatever he wants to do, except that I don't want anyone else included in our sex life. No threesomes, etc. We watch porn together and I don't care if he watches porn without me. Honestly, I do it myself. However, sex chat aka cyber sex is crossing a big fucking line as far as I'm concerned. I would never do anything like that to him.. not ever. I am hurt, I feel stupid. I never ever would have expected this from him. We've been together for 10 years, have a daughter and another one on the way - I'm 15 weeks now. We're genuinely happy - or so I thought. We don't fight, don't have money problems, we make time for each other every day, and the sex is great... everyone always comments on how strong our relationship is because we're so great together, always laughing, and always happy. I truly believed all of it until tonight.
I will be having a talk with him when he gets home from work at midnight - I plan to tell him we have a fundamental problem and that I want him to fess up... I figure, if he refuses, then he's hiding more than I even know about. And after it's out (whether he admits it or I have to show him what I found) I plan to tell him that I'm giving him an opportunity to tell me what the fuck he was thinking.. and then I'll tell him what I'm thinking now. I have so much on my mind though... I don't know where to start. 1. counselling, because I don't trust him now, but want to attempt to work on this because we have 2 kids. If he hasn't physically cheated on me, I would be willing to try to reconcile. 2. possible separation for the time being - we have a finished basement that I can move into - we'd only have to share the kitchen. 3. Tell him to figure out a way to make this better if he wants it to work, because I'm not the one that fucked it up!
Now - am I overreating to this? To me, cybersex is cheating - not as bad as physically cheating, but cheating nonetheless. What do you think?
Has anyone been through this and worked it out?
He got off early tonight - I confronted him. I told him what I said I would - that there is a fundamental problem, he's betrayed me, and I'm giving him a chance to admit it, and if he doens't, that makes it apparent to me that he is hiding more than I think he's hiding. He's insisting that he has no clue what I'm talking about. Says he isn't hiding anything, and if I'm making him 'guess' he doens't know where to start.
Now, I'm more than sad and angry. I'm fucking livid. Like I said, to me this means, he has a whole bunch of lies that he's hiding, and he doesn't know which one I've figured out and doesn't want to out himself for more than he has to.
In the morning I'll be going to my parents with my daughter. They live 6 hours away. I don't know if it will be permanent, but. how can he sit there and pretend like nothing. I'm in my basement now, and forbade him to come down unless it's to admit what he's up to.
In the meantime... I'm sitting on fucking cafemom bawling my eyes out.
Well, he came downstairs. This is how it went.. He said that the only thing he doesn't tell me, is when he jerks off, and to what.. and he didn't really think that it would be necessary, or that I would be interested. I told him that he knows I don't care about porn, it's the other shit that is crossing the line. He said (and I quote) "what other shit? sex chatting?".. I was kind of floored that he said it so nonchalantly. I said yes! That shit is crossing a line. He told me he honestly never thought I would care, because I'm so open about everything else, and it's not physical cheating. He took me upstairs to sign into his 'profile' which does say that he's happily married, that he's on the site purely for purposes of masturbation, and nothing more. He told me the password so that I could read what I want if I wanted, and afterwards deleted his profile in front of me, and gave me passwords to his hotmail and facebook account. He says and seems truly sorry. He legitmately seemed like he didn't think I would think it was a big deal. Obviously, I DO!
I'm still fucking pissed. I think he's a bit stunned if he thought I wouldn't care.. Yes, I am open to a lot, but wtf..I'm still hurting... Still wanting to chop his manparts...But I do love him, and he was very open about it once he knew what I was talking about. I don't know what to think. I'm still going to my parents for a week - to clear my head. I'm not sure what I will do. Like I said originally, our marriage is amazing, other than today, it's been the greatest 10 years of my life. I don't think I can throw it all away, especially when he did come clean and showed me everything and answered all the questions I had.
My girl and I made the long trip to Nanna&Poppy's today. My husband was devestated, begged me not to take her - He's never been away from her overnight. I do believe that he honestly thought I wouldn't care about the 'sex chatting'. This morning when I left, his computer was on the curb, and he wrote me a letter to read when I got to my parents. It's 101 things he loves about me, followed by an apology and saying that he never thought he would hurt me like this, and will do anything he can to make it up to me. He also called my Dad after I left.. told him everything.. that he fucked up and he needed my Dad's help to talk to me. Dad and I are very close, and I do value his opinion. We both agreed that the fact that he called my Dad and admitted this to him, and begged his forgiveness and asked for help about how to fix this, shows that he really did make a mistake and deserves a second chance. I'm not sure how we'll fix this yet, but I'm confident that we will.
Thanks for all the support last night ladies.. I needed it.
I'm home now - Things are better - I made the right choice by going to my parents for the remainder of the week. I was able to cool off and clear my head - We are absolutely going to work this out, I know we will - DH is truly sorry, and although we will still be going for counselling, and are going to try to the '30 day love challenge', I do feel that I can trust him - In the end, he was honest with me, and is taking steps to rectify his mistake. And to those that have and will say not to stay for my kids, I'm not - That is ONE reason, of many - He is an amazing father, but also an amazing person in general, and I love him with all of my heart.
Thanks again to all the mamas that had my back that night - I think I may have actually caused some bodily harm had I not been able to vent before/during/after the confrontation...