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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

The reason I didnt breastfeed

Posted by on May. 10, 2012 at 7:53 PM
  • 5 Replies

When my daughter was born i originally planned on breastfeeding. I had a cesarean delivery at 37 weeks due to preeclampsia. She was healthy 5lbs 9oz i have a video of her first hour of life while i was in the recovery room. I was breastfeeding the entire 5 days i was in the hospital with her, although i dont remember much of it because i was heavily medicated. When i brought her home I lived with my boyfriend and his family, 11 people in a 3 bedroom apartment. A week later we got our own apartment through the housing agency but we didnt have any money for food we just had our WIC checks so i ate eggs and cheerios for over a month. That entire month i started getting alot of anxiety, i was worried that what i was eating was affecting the baby. I was starving myself. I was making my daughter sick by not eating. I was also making myself sick over the anxiety and worrying about my daughter. I lost alot of weight and it wasnt healthy. I started to see a nurse who did home visits and she told me i needed to eat, she helped me apply for food stamps and we made meal plans and things like that. Once i got the food stamps I had plenty of food in my apartment but the anxiety got worse. I was never watching what i ate or the sugar content and carbs or reading ingredients. I didnt know what to eat and i didnt want to make myself sick so I just started eating everything and i ended up gaining 65 lbs. Long story short, i stopped breastfeeding when my daughter was a month old because of the anxiety. Once i stopped breastfeeding the anxiety was gone. I had it in my mind that everything i ate went directly to the baby through breastmilk and that if i ate anything sweet it would make her sick and if i ate anything spicy it would make her sick etc.,

Three years later my son was born, I was so scared to breastfeed I told the nurses before he was born that I did not want to breastfeed. When he was 7 days old i felt so guilty. I wanted to breastfeed so bad. I had a better understanding of breastfeeding and I knew it was best for my son. We were home from the hospital post c section on day 2 so the nurses never tried to help me breastfeed. I was all on my own. 7 days old i tried breastfeeding for the first time and for the first half hour it went fine. He finished and went to sleep. Then he woke up vomitting everywhere, he was choking and i panicked. The anxiety came back in full force. I never tried breastfeeding again, i felt like it was my fault that he got sick, i felt like i did something wrong. He is now a happy healthy 7 month old but I still feel guilty for not breastfeeding from the beginning. If i ever have another baby I most definately want to try breastfeeding i just hope i have better luck with it

by on May. 10, 2012 at 7:53 PM
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Replies (1-5):
SadiasMomma
by Gold Member on May. 10, 2012 at 7:57 PM
sounds like you gave it your all. i can't judge you.
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cowgirlsmommy
by Platinum Member on May. 10, 2012 at 8:06 PM

That's so sad mama.  You should've had better support from local LC's.  If you ever get to try again, just remember that your body will do the right thing.  You can't hurt a baby by eating something sweet or spicy.  A big chunk of my diet while breastfeeding was chips and salsa.  I craved it and couldn't stop eating it. 

MollyJmommy
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2012 at 8:55 PM
You gave both your babies breastmilk and that's what matters :) you did great and still are
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Jeni1124
by on May. 10, 2012 at 9:03 PM

 Its sad that you didn't have the support you needed. Next time, if there is one, don't count on luck...get the support in place before hand. :) Anxiety can really mess someone up, be prepared for it...and don't stress out about the past experiences.

Monamou
by on May. 10, 2012 at 9:11 PM
You were crippled w anxiety after both births. Maybe more postpardum depression than actual breastfeeding issues. Its ok to not breastfeed. Im sure you are a great mother. Just enjoy your babies they grow so fast.
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