I'm writing this letter that you will never see to tell you some things you'll never hear.
I know we are trying to conceive and I am very happy about this fact, however in order to conceive you actually have to ejeculate when we are having sex, because those sperm have a job to do. I'm not sure what has changed in you, but now, sex is awesome, the lack of sperm is not.
When I am giving you a head job, please let me know when you are about to blow, so I can either run away or jump on, I love you a lot, but it really doesn't taste that good. When you are 'eating me out', please do not bite my clitoris, you may think it is fun, but when I say ouch, it means enough.
When we are having sex, please remember I am not as flexible as I once was and that my hips can not go 360 degrees. Therefore, if you want them around my head, you will have to break them first. Also, I cannot be on top all the time, I do not want to wear knee pads to bed.
Telling me you have to go to the toilet during sex means you probably won't be getting more afterwards. It is a turn off, no matter how casual I may seem about it.
Also as much as sleeping sex is amazing, it is not required everynight.
Another thing, dearest, please stop eating my chocolate. It is a real turn off as well. Oh and my soda, stop drinking it without asking first; you have your own!
If I am eating a carrot like I usually do, do not make crude jokes about and then go on to tell me how much of a rabbit I am.
Also, as much as I love video games, having sex whilst playing them is not getting anywhere, so I'd rather you do not do it.
My vagina requires lubrication of some description before you put it in, you are not a nail, and I am not a peice of wood, so slamming your way into it when it is dry is torture for both of is.