Today's Confession: My Husband DARED ME To Post This!
Anyways, I made my coffee this morning DOUBLE strong. Like, LITERALLY double the amount of coffee grounds. The first cup tasted like tar smeared in ass, but i'm pretty sure it burnt off my taste buds. Each cup after that got easier to ingest.
4 cups of coffee later, I felt my long, overdue, poo-baby attempting to make its entrance into the world.
Leaving my 3yo DD in front of the TV, I RUN to the bathroom. Like, NO WARNING at all.... Didn't even have time to grab my phone, so I could get on CM. (Don't judge me, you know damn well that you CM & poo!) *stares* O.O
Anyways, I'm pretty sure the mud-slide.... (you're getting the picture now, aren't ya?) Yes, the MUDSLIDE was flowing AS I sat down (not AFTER). -_- meaning: It splashed the LID of the seat.
Of course, it couldn't ALL come out with as much ease as the initial mudslide did. NOPE. There was a blockage! Gahhh!!! Yup! A giant ass-rock (pun intended) gets stuck at the exit, blocking the rest of the flowage from escaping.
So, I tried puching for a moment. At this point, i've already missed about 2 solid minutes of potential CM time... I open my bathroom door & focus my eyes on my phone, which was on the kitchen counter top.
It couldn't be more than 5 steps away....
I wipe, leaving my pants at my ankles (don't need that extra few seconds to pull them up & back down again to distract me from the task at hand, right?) I ATTEMPT to DASH across the room & grab my phone....
Because i'm a ninja, I make the first 2 steps with ease & grace, as if this is a daily choreographed dance of mine... It wasn't until I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of an adult figure standing in my front door, that I lost focus & FACE PLANTED (naked ass-end up) into the carpet.
Now... Carpet munching may seem to be a common hobby of mine, but I assure you, THIS was my very first experience with a face full of rug! O_o
Trying to ignore the pain of rug-burn from my chim to my forehead, I struggle to pull my pants up & roll out of site of whomever felt the need to let themselves into my house WITHOUT knocking!!!!!
THEN IT HAPPENS........
I hear DH laughing so fucking hard that he sends himself into an uncontrollable cough.
Tear-filled eyes, panting like a dog in a desert, DH runs around the corner of the wall that I rolled behind like double-oh-seven... STILL not able to catch his breath, he struggles to ask:
"WHAT THE EVER-LOVIN-FUCK DO YOU DO WHEN I'M AT WORK?"
Me: "I just wanted to get my phone." *embarassed & blushing*
Him: "And it couldn't wait til you were done taking a SHIT?" *still laughing*
Me: "It was taking to long. I was bored." *guilty face*
Him: "Holy fuck, Steph! You probably got shit on the floor! WTF is so important on your phone??? *lightbulb* Awe shit! Don't tell me! Let me guess: Some looney bitch posted about how her husband was sexually aroused by a leapord at the zoo & she needs your immediate advice as to how to get spots of her own?!?"
^_^ <--- my face. "You're a dumbass, Joe!"
Him: "Better a dumbass than a rug-burnt, bare-assed, desperate for online female attention housewife, EH?"
»:-| <--- my face.
"Go to work, asshole!"
Him: "Sure you'll be ok? Don't need anymore incidents..."
"Joe, STFU & GO TO WORK! Gahhh!!! Seriously!!! WTF? Can't a girl have some PRIVACY while taking a shit?"
Him: "YES! When she STAYS IN THE BATHROOM!"
He handed me my phone & said: "Dare you to post THIS ONE!".
So, there ya go! That's my epic CM poo-fail! O_o
Well played fucker, well played! :/