I am dealing with deaths in my family, dumping an estate, which I never wanted and never thought I would get because the person who died had 13 other children besides me. (I am from his first marriage, the others he adopted in his second marriage) Needless to say, I have a bunch of people really, really pissed off at me with how I am disposing of the estate. I am only keeping enough cash to pay the taxes with, and 99% will be donated to various charities and several churches. The second bunch of children knew that the 'cash cow' was terminally ill, and very wealthy. They banked on the idea that when the 'cash cow' died, they would be able to pay off massive debts with the assets. Nobody figured that I would get the estate in total. Everything, down to the last bread crumb is mine.
We had another family tragedy in April and I am still trying to make sense of that, too.
Too add to all of these issues, I have a jerk off of a doctor who decided to cancel my Rx's and had me go cold turkey off of xanax, which I have been on for decades. I have PTSD, BAD and MST (MST = military sexual trauma, I was raped twice on active service) from my military service days. I am a 100% service connected disabled female veteran, permanent and total and individually unemployable. So, I will never be able to work again, and I have a very difficult road to hoe, with the many illness's and physical and emotional limitations. So, when I was out of my xanax, and the second crisis hit, my xanax did not come in the mail as scheduled, it was a week late, so when I showed up in the VA ER, I was a basket case. This prompted the VA to fear that I was abusing the medication, when it was the Rx mail service who delayed the shipment of my medication and I was out and asked for something to hold me over until the mail Rx got here. So, with that misunderstanding, and even when I showed my medication diary, I log every medication I take, dose, time, how I felt, why I took an Rx, etc., and even though I have three different doctors, each doctor knew about the other, and each doctor knew what medications they each prescribed. I was not doctor shopping and not Rx shopping. I have been with all three of these doctors for over 10 years each, so there is a history. Never have I been accused of abusing my medications. With no xanax and no ambien, my life has been a living hell. I have not had either med since late April, and I don't have appointments for over two weeks. I am trying desperately to hold on, I don't want to give the VA the satisfaction that they have beat me down to a pulp.
I am trying to stay busy. I sleep during the day and am up all night. The reason for this is that there are neighbors who are awake during the day to keep watch over my house while I sleep. We have had two major house fires recently and the smell of the smoke that is lingering in my neighborhood reminds me of when I was a child and my home was arson-ed. My service dog, (which I had to buy for $6,000, the VA said they did not have funding) has been alerting because he does that when he smells smoke. Even though I know it is not my house on fire, he does not know that. Even when I tell him to stand down, he still alerts.
I am worn down to a frazzled nub. I am tying a knot in the end of my rope and just holding on, minute by minute. I try to keep myself busy, to pass each day while waiting for my appointment. I have thought about bringing legal aide with me, so when this doctor accuses me again, and tells me again I cannot have my xanax and ambien back, my legal representation will be there taking notes and I am not sure, but I feel like suing the VA for mental cruelty, putting my life in danger, stopping those meds cold turkey can cause seizures (which I already deal with) as well as coma and death. This is not a medicine you can go cold turkey on.
Help, say some extra prayers for me. I feel so scared about taking a shower, becuase one of the withdrawel symptoms is dizzyness, fainting, nasty vertigo, so I have not been able to take a bath or shower for fear I will fall in my non handicap bathroom. So, I have not had a full bath/shower in over three weeks. I do a GI bath, a few baby wipes at the most important parts. But my poor hair, it is so matted and icky, I may have to just cut it all off.
HELP HELP HELP HELP