So tired. **thanks**

[lalaboosh]

I'm so tired. I'm tired of hurting myself, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of DH not getting what I'm going through and blaming me, I'm tired of being told I'm not crazy enough to be inpatient, I'm tired of being told there are no beds available for inpatient. I was about to fall asleep when DH moved and woke DD up. It had been hours I'd been laying there trying to get DD to sleep and then me. I was frustrated. I needed my partner, but he's done helping me. Now I'm sitting in front of the computer with even more fresh lumps feeling alone while they try to sleep. Awesome. And I should keep living BECAUSE?

Yeah, I can't think of a good reason. DH only wants me alive to watch the baby.

**

Thanks, you guys. I know it seems like your replies aren't helping, but they are. I'm not crying any more. I just wanted to sleep, I was almost asleep. It takes hours for me to fall asleep. :(

[AnnieMcD]

Girl you just got married like 2 weeks ago. I'm sure he loves you, this is your depression talking. 

If you can't get inpatient services, LIE. Tell them you are fully suicidal, and plan on hurting yourself tonight.

In your case, with what you've posted, I'm not sure it would even be a lie. 

Right now, call the suicide helpline. I mean now. Get off the computer and make the call. I've been there, and through the support of some amazing CM's and the nice folks at the helpline, I got through it. You can too.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - With Help Comes Hope

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255): Suicide hotline, 24/7 free and confidential, nationwide network of crisis centers

[lovelove211]

Didn't you only just get married?

[mlg1989]

^^what she said.
go get help. If not for you, do it for your child!!

[Ber-Lynn]

Hunny, Maybe call an emergency suicide hotline. This do get hard but you have to keep going. Your child needs its mother. Things will get better. How old is your child? How you been checked for ppd?

[Anonymous]

Are you sure your consumption of weed is helping your mental health?

[..guesswho..]

I am so glad I don't suffer with depression anymore. All those thoughts you are having are consuming you for no reason, and you can't help it. I hope you get the help you need because that's an awful place to be in. But if it matters
any I am now over a year off of any depression medication, so it can happen. Best of luck to you.

[lalaboosh]

I've told them I have a plan, there is no room at all. I've tried three times in two weeks to get checked in to two different hospitals. I had to be taken to the hospital in cuffs yesterday because I can't afford an ambulance and it's against policy to ride uncuffed in a cop car. I don't have a car and I was in desperate need of help, so I just called 911 and they came. They said I did the right thing, but I feel like it was just a waste. I have an appointment on monday with a therapist to work on stuff, but I have been having a breakdown every day for the past three days now. Before that it was every 2-3 days. I'm scared. My ultimate preference would be to have a happy life, but 26 years of this life is making it hard to believe I can have any kind of peace. The worst part is that deep down inside I know I've killed myself before. I know my depression is very very deep, it seems to have lasted lifetimes. I know that if I do it again I'll just be feeding the cycle. I just can't keep putting my family through this. I don't know where to go for help anymore.

Quoting AnnieMcD:

Girl you just got married like 2 weeks ago. I'm sure he loves you, this is your depression talking. 

If you can't get inpatient services, LIE. Tell them you are fully suicidal, and plan on hurting yourself tonight.

In your case, with what you've posted, I'm not sure it would even be a lie. 

Right now, call the suicide helpline. I mean now. Get off the computer and make the call. I've been there, and through the support of some amazing CM's and the nice folks at the helpline, I got through it. You can too.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - With Help Comes Hope

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255): Suicide hotline, 24/7 free and confidential, nationwide network of crisis centers

[lalaboosh]

It's my version of zanax or whatever people pop to calm down. If I get too upset it helps me stop before I hurt myself. I have no coping skills and I don't know how to learn them on my own, so I use artificial ones for the time being. It's not perfect, but it's better than nothing. Wich is what I have now. I haven't had any cannabis in the house for two days and so I haven't been able to take myself and calm down. I try asking DH for help when I'm just upset, not freaking out. He doesn't understand though, and he gets really defensive like he thinks I'm upset with him or something. I'm really really trying. And for the record I've asked counselors to help me learn coping skills. I can't remember if they tried, my memory gets so fuzzy. It always has, it's not the pot. It's a defense mechanism. I barely remember most of my life. It's all just an impression. That in itself is a huge frustration for me.

Quoting Anonymous:

Are you sure your consumption of weed is helping your mental health?

[lalaboosh]

Yeah, like a month ago. I love being married, but I suffer from a lot of pain all the time that has nothing to do with DH.

Quoting lovelove211:

Didn't you only just get married?

[lalaboosh]

I'm trying to get help, there is none for me to have right now. I've tried three times in two weeks to check myself into a hospital. There is no room.

Quoting mlg1989:

^^what she said.
go get help. If not for you, do it for your child!!