Child is not his?! I LEFT!!!!
- 685 Replies
A little more info on us and the girl:
They dated after she had become pregnant, and were engaged I don't know WHEN in their relationship they got engaged.. But when he used to talk to me about it (long time ago) he said he was only staying for the child and never planned on marrying her.
So they were together I think 9 months maybe 10.
Info on us:
I am 22 he is 21, we have been together since August 2010.. Married Febuary of this year.
Original Post:
So... Back story. My now husband dated and was engaged to a girl before we got together. The baby was not his they started dating after she got pregnant. She had the baby and he ended up leaving her 2 months later..
For a while he saw her and I even helped take care of her, but the mom moved on and got remarried... We haven't been around the child for nearly 2 years (she turned two earlier this month we had not seen her at all since Sept of that year)
Well... Now the mom is back (with another child in tow) because her husband became abusive (he was like that before they got married and she knew it) and my husband has been all about seeing her (not the issue here)
Would you count him as a parent to this child when he was only around for the pregnancy and first few months of the child's life.. Would you think its appropriate for him to go over there late at night and help "put the kids to bed" now when she JUST got back into town over the weekend? Do you think he has the right to say that he would put this child above any other relationship even though he chose to stop seeing her in the first (I encouraged him to see her) place.. He also has made it very apparent to me that this is not something I am to be a part of (I guess at this time) and that it does not affect me. I don't see how this cannot affect me? A child changes everything for everyone. I do not want to step on toes, but it seems like he's handling this in a weird way.
What do you think? I don't want him to stop seeing this child... But I don't know. Having a rough time. Also a lot of it has to do with the mom and their relationship. She is openly hostile towards me (somewhat understandable) and she has slept with my husband at the beginning of our relationship. Also DH expressed that he still had unresolved feelings for her only a few months ago (she came back to town Friday) and he has been over at her house since 1AM some nights.
Please, just needing advice not any hateful mommas. I am doing my best with this and trying to be as supportive as I can...
*Added*
I am not condoning certain things out of this. I do not WANT him to leave to go "tuck her in" I think its very strange and I said I wouldn't stand for it and he got angry.
He said he will put everything relationship (and everything else) below this one with this child. Including ours.. Mainly because I told him it was inappropriate to be there late at night (he said he was CATCHING up on lost time)
He didn't see her supposedly, because of the man the mother was seeing would make outragious comments, be rude, and make his blood boil (He IS a really hateful guy) so he stopped because he would have ended up "hurting" him.
Umm.. But for those saying I am supporting this.. No I am not... I am trying to support a man trying to be a parent.. But that doesn't seem to be whats going on here.
Added info on us:
We do not have kids at all by the way. We were TTC-ing, but I hadn't been able to get pregnant... We have since stopped trying.
Update #1:
Ok Ladies, I am about to head home. If there are any changes or if I figure anything else out I will update. Thank you for your advice and support. We had a kind of "group date" going tonight, so I am going to see how that goes or if he bails before making any choices.
Update #2:
Sorry I didn't update yesterday, I figure Ill do this and read the replies.
We got into a major fight yesterday about all of this crap.. I told him that this wasn't what I wanted nor was it appropriate. I told him that this marriage thus far as been horrible and I didn't want to live this life anymore... I don't know if it helped really... Besides the fact that he didn't talk to her yesterday, but honestly that could have been because our internet was down (another reason I didn't update)
We went out to the lake today with our dogs, we didn't even really talk. I tried to hold his had and it was like a limp fish in mine and as soon as he had an excuse he took it away. Breaks my heart. I don't think he's getting the message really that I am heartbroken, tired, and fed up. I'm giving it a few days, because I am off work and want to see how he acts... But I think we are approaching the end. Because I can sit there and say straight to his face that I want out.... And it changes nothing. I wish I could find one of those guys that treats their wife/SO like a queen... Because I have certainly never found him. :/
Update #3:
*Sighs* After updating yesterday, after he spoke to her (apparently about what a friend said, even though he was IMing her on facebook) He told me was going to go over there after a while (It was 9pm at that point) I told him ok, I need to go visit my mom anyways let me drop you off because I don't want you there so late and I certainly don't want you there past midnight. He got mad and said he would not be treated like a 2 year old (irony haha). We got into a huge huge fight in which I told him to get out and he refused. Again and again I told him.. He never did leave. We fought and then it calmed down.. I thought maybe we had worked something out... I guess not. He left to pick up a friend at 1am... He did not come back until 5:30am. The next day he left at 1030 and did not come back until 1:45am. :/ With some of it he said the baby was teething and kept waking up.. But he admitted that its more to regain a frienship with the mom. He also said that his "unresolved feelings" were to put the memory of the child to bed (so to speak) and to let her go... Not for the mom... But I don't know.
He is trying to get a job with a friend of ours... I think if he does I might enlist the help of family and a trailor and just move out when he's not there. So he can keep the apartment, but I know I have all my stuff (which is all of the furniture and so on)
Update 4:
Well H got that job he was wanting... He should start Tuesday if all goes well...
I'm really really trying to keep the nerve up that while he is gone that day (I have off) to have my family come pack my things..
I'm trying very hard not to think of the consequences of this or think about what he won't have if I do that. Continued support would be appreciated. I know this has gotten long and its kind of reduntant really. But I do really appreciate it.
Update 5:
Man this is getting to be a long drawn out post... And drama. ... Thank you ladies for continuing to read and help.
I got home yesterday and talked to him. I told him I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. His words were "Now that everything is getting better, now is when you are done?" I told him yes.. That sometimes this stuff just happens. That when he left the mom originally he had that baby in his arms, "his happiness" But... sometimes things just change. He told me this didn't make sense, he finally got a job to make our life better. I told him that the only thing that meant to me was that he would be able to support himself and could stay.. He said he would leave town, I asked about the baby then... He said he'd bring them with him... But not live with them... Yeah ok.
In the end I still didn't leave!! Grrr.
He was supposed to stay with me last night... But when I asked him to get undressed he wouldn't (he was laying in bed fully clothed, boots on). He said there was no point, after I went to sleep he was leaving anyways.. (Supposedly last night he was just going to see his sister) We went round and round for over an hour about that he said he was going to stay, blah blah blah. He said he'd stay until I was asleep (Now who's getting tucked into bed?? o.O) He left about 11:40pm... Came back at 4:30am. He said he went to a friend of ours and went walking to try and figure out why we've been fighting so much (ummm what?) I don't know. When I left this morning it looked like he had red marks on his back, but can't be certain. I don't even know why it matters!!?
Oh also talked to his mom for a while through FB (she lives about 3 hours away) even SHE said I should leave him. That he can't treat me this way and maybe it will open his eyes.
Anyway thats my update. I still have people on standby for Tuesday one way or another.
FINAL UPDATE!
I left... I packed up my things and got out. He didn't fight or argue just left. He apparently didn't act upset after either.
Also... I filed for divorce today... Because I knew if I didn't do it now I wouldn't do it for a long time.
I was doing ok until now... Kind of struggling. Please continue to provide support. I greatly appreciate everyone's help. For a more detailed update its in replies.
I guess he wants to build a "friendship" with her first or something... I agree.. I just dont understand. They did not speak at all before friday
Quoting Anonymous:
He needs to include you in his visits..at least some of the time. Imo he is hiding something. I am very sorry.
Your DH was only in this child's life for very short time and the child couldn't even possibly remember him. I would never have encouraged him to get involved with his ex again considering it's not even his child. Sorry but you just gave him permission to go off and be with this woman. Him staying until 1 am in the morning is crazy. Hello, they are back together and you just let it happen.
Being a SAHM for the past 5 yrs has made me