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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My mom gave my sister up for adoption...

When I was 16 my mom told me she had a daughter, a year or so after she had me so she had to have been born in 1986 or 1987.  It was a closed adoption; my mom doesn't even remember her birthday :(

I always thought I'd see her on here or something.  But I tried to call an agency that helps find siblings that were given up for adoption, but they couldn't help me because I don't know her birthday.

All I know is that she was born in Manchester or Concord, New Hampshire in 1986 or 1987.

Anyway, that's my confession...I have a sister out there but she doesn't know she has two sisters and one brother (who was also given up for adoption).  She has three neices (soon to be four) and one nephew. 

by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 6:00 PM
Replies (81-86):
onethentwins
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2012 at 7:23 PM
1 mom liked this

You see this is what people don't consider when encouraging women to "just give up your babies". It's not just separating a mother and child, it's separating siblings too. 

Here is  a link to a group that has all kinds of resources to help you search : http://www.cafemom.com/group/35065 I hope you and your sister are able to find each other.

Love060708kids
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 8:21 PM

Joined, thank you :)

Quoting onethentwins:

You see this is what people don't consider when encouraging women to "just give up your babies". It's not just separating a mother and child, it's separating siblings too. 

Here is  a link to a group that has all kinds of resources to help you search : http://www.cafemom.com/group/35065 I hope you and your sister are able to find each other.


adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Jun. 20, 2012 at 5:15 AM
1 mom liked this
Quoting Love060708kids:


Love- your mom isn't the only mother to have blocked out any memories and bday of her child lost to adoption. My mom did it too. She couldn't even remember the season she had me. It was the only way she was able to cope with loosing me- - block it out as best she could.

onethen twins has an article posted in her groups that might help you understand your mother a bit more with 'how' she could ever have forgotten (as best she could) and even 'why' she fears a reunion. It helped me understand my mom a bit more. It's titled something like "why won't my mother meet me". It sounds like your mom has gone numb to the pain, including the self medication with the alcohol. I really think the article would help you see what possible reactions to loosing a child could have brought her.

Searching: does your mother remember the agency or lawyer who facilated the adoption?
That would be most helpful info to start with to try and obtain non-identifying info about your sisters adoption. I'll look up the State disclosure laws to see what's legally available to release. Some states do not recognize siblings searching for each other what so ever. Some are *progressive* cough cough, they will allow sibs to obtain non-id, and possibly search for each other with a 3rd party but only once the birth parents are deceased.

All and all, I would strongly suggest you find search and support groups in the State and area of her birth and NETtWORK with anyone who will listen. I'd join one in the area you are now, too. If for no other reason, for your emotional support. I can look up groups if your interested.

One thing you said in a post that I want to point out- you said your sister is better off in her adoptive family than with your Mother and you guys her siblings. Be prepare to learn that might not be her truth. She may have struggled with her adoption and her unknown identity all her life. She may have been abused. You just won't know till you hear it from her that her adoption was nothing but good. Just keep that in mind and be prepared for just about any outcome. It's tough to do- face the truth and reality and put it into place in your life. Most times what we thought to be true is nothing but false in adoption reunions.

I'll look up that info and post here later this morning.

Ps. When the state and social worker found my mother, she did not want to be found. She signed a contact veto against me and no information was exchanged between the 2 of us. I went on to find and contact 3 older brothers, and 2 younger sisters. We have been reunited f2f with mom included now for 10 years WITHOUT state, court, judge, agency, social worker or Amom approval.

How bout that! We've been emancipated from being protected from one another. None of us have acted criminally towards another in our reunion and we handle our interactions with each other without social worker guidance! Woohoo! I'm finally all grown up. C:


onethentwins
by Platinum Member on Jun. 20, 2012 at 3:29 PM

I know blocking out the memory of the birth of a relinquished child is not as rare as one might think. However, I thought it was common mainly among the women from the middle of the last century that were sent away from their homes, forced to labor alone, and had their children taken away from them for adoption before they could see them, and never heard from them again. I didn't think it was quite so common from women who relinquished in the 80s.

Here is the link to that article: http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/why_wont_my_mother.html

Quoting adopteeme:

Quoting Love060708kids:



onethen twins has an article posted in her groups that might help you understand your mother a bit more with 'how' she could ever have forgotten (as best she could) and even 'why' she fears a reunion. It helped me understand my mom a bit more. It's titled something like "why won't my mother meet me". It sounds like your mom has gone numb to the pain, including the self medication with the alcohol. I really think the article would help you see what possible reactions to loosing a child could have brought her.

adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Jun. 22, 2012 at 2:22 AM
Sorry I didn't get back to post sooner..

NEW HAMPSHIRE search and support groups
Paul Schibelhute, Researcher, 603-880-7790, Email: PSchibbe@aol.com
15 Seminole Drive, Nashua  03063

Adoption Support Group,  603-512-9500
Villa Crest Nursing and Retirement, Manchester

Living in Search of Answers, 603-357-5218
 PO Box 215, Gilsum   03448

Adoption Bonding Circle, 603-826-4806
67 AnnAvenue, Charlestown  03603

Circle of Hope,  603-692-6320
PO Box 127,  Somersworth  03878

And NH disclosure law can be found here:
Chapter Ten pg 27-29
http://www.courts.state.nh.us/probate/referencemanual.pdf
adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Jun. 22, 2012 at 2:27 AM
Quoting onethentwins:




D, this is interesting. What do you think makes a difference for these moms in the 80's and forward? Re: going numb to forget
Open adoptions and getting to pick the ap's?
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