When I was 17 I ran away from home to escape sexual abuse. My mom's husband was the one abusing me, and she chose to stay with him over keeping me, so I went to foster care. I was pregnant when I went into foster care, and the stipulation for me being released from the state custody was graduating, and being 18 by the time the baby was born.
I graduated as Valedictorian of an alternative school. I gave birth to my daughter mere days after turning 18. When graduation time came, my mom didnt show up. She told me she "couldnt afford to come" because all her money was going to his lawyer. Here we are, years later and I am still hurt about this. She has never even said "I am sorry I couldnt be there".
I am a year from graduating (with an associates degree). I will be the first person in our family to complete any college, and I have done it with 4 kids. I told my mom today that I will be graduating in May and if she is not there, I will cut contact with her.
I am sick of never being enough for my parents, of never being loved or cared about. I am sick of getting my hopes up. If my dad doesnt come, he has the same consequences. My mom said its not fair of me to say that because she is my mom and I can never cut her out of my life.
Am I wrong for being hurt and feeling this way?
This is a letter I just wrote up. I am sending it tomorrow. I need to just take some space for myself, but I also need her to know my issues with her and why I am taking that space...
I have debated writing you this letter for years. I am not sure what will come of it, if you will acknowledge it, or if anything will change on your end but things are changing on my end.
When your husband was raping me, you were supposed to save me. When I left you that letter after leaving to MN, you promised you would protect me, that you would kick him out. You didn’t. You let him stay. He kept doing it. The reason I got into that accident was because he kept me home from school so he could rape me, and I was late and almost missed a test, so I was speeding and I crashed. When I ran away the second time, you proved to me you didn’t love me. You chose him over me. You threw me away, and told me that you went through foster care so I could too.
You still have never acknowledged what I went through. You still insist to me it was consensual, and that he didn’t rape me. You have never once said “I am sorry for what I let happen to you” or that it wasn’t my fault. Not once.
When I graduated high school, you weren’t there. It wasn’t my dads fault you weren’t there it was your own fault. You had already come up earlier that year to visit Phillip and you “didn’t have the money to make the trip”. Mom, I didn’t even get a “good job” from you. I was the number one graduate in my class and you couldn’t BE THERE for me. You drove to be there for everything to do with Autumn, but for some reason, everything of mine isn’t important enough.
Do you know I still sit here and ask myself why my mother doesn’t love me? Why didn’t my mom protect me from the abuse? Why didn’t she save me? Why did she throw me away like I was trash? I have no answers because you have never given me any answers.
I will never be Autumn. I will never be either one of the boys. I am Mindi, that’s who I am and that is who I will forever be. I cannot continue to sit here and pretend like the way you disregard me doesn’t affect me, because it does. It bothers me every day of my life.
You cannot just pretend this didn’t happen. You have to take responsibility for ignoring it, for looking the other way, and frankly, for not giving a fuck that your daughter was being raped and abused every day that man was in your home for a year.
Your actions should have destroyed me, but all they did is make me a better mother. It hurts me every day to know that my mom didn’t love me enough, and that I wasn’t good enough for her, but it also makes me remember to never forget or abandon a child the way you did to me.
I will not be answering your phone calls for a while. I need to focus on me, and my issues. Everytime I talk to you, it’s the same thing. You talk to me about Phillip or about Autumn, about everyone and everything except for what I really want you to say, which is I am sorry.
I am including the address for Autumn, since I know that’s why you keep calling. You are still welcome at my graduation in may. You are also welcome to contact me via mail or email, but I will not be answering the phone until I am ready.
EDIT!!! She just texted and said she read my letter and would like to talk to me about it. I am having a panic attack. I dont know what to say. I told her I cant talk tonight, but I could possibly talk tomorrow. Now what? What do I say now?
EDIT Again. I was supposed to talk to her today. I woke up to this email on my facebook. I dont really know how I feel about it. Honestly, I dont know what to feel about it. Please excuse her writing she isnt very good at the whole reading/writing thing.
melinda I am so sorry for not talking to you about thing that happen to you . IT IS HARD FOR ME BECOUSE I BLAIME MY SELF NOT YOU ILOVE YOU. please call me on sunday morning so I can talk to you. you are my Numder one gril please call me . MY LOVE ALWAYS MOM
CONVERSATION EDIT She apologized when she first answered. Told me that it wasnt my fault that it happened, it was her fault. She should have been more willing to listen to me. She doesnt blame me. She blames herself. Most of the good things that she said helped me...until she said "I cant lose you. You are my strength". That pissed me off. I am your fucking daughter not someone you should lean on. She also admitted that she was just making excuses about my HS graduation and she didnt come because she felt guilty.
She knows how I feel now. Thats what is most important to me. I still dont trust her and I never will. I will never send my kids to stay at grandmas house, or allow her to have them unsupervised. Nothing has really changed, except I feel validated. I dont need her to be proud of me, and this conversation showed me that. She said "You are doing things I could never do" Hell yes I am. I am on my own, and guess what? I am kicking ass raising a family. She has to live with what she did. She has her own issues. I refuse to be that prisoner anymore.