The 'starving myself thin' thread inspired me. A confession. *Graphic content*
Hopefully, it'll inspire people who are struggling to be 'thin and beautiful', as well. I'm not posting anonymously because it's no longer who I am.
I am a former bulimic. When I was growing up, I was a chubby teenager. My mom would constantly taunt me about my size and it contributed to the warped viw of myself that I had for the past 8 years. I finally got up and did something about it and had a healthy start: I walked 30 miles a week, did weight training, drank mainly water and watched what I ate. I went from 160 (I'm 5'3") to 135. I still didn't think I looked as good as others thought so I restricted my diet even more and upped my exercise routine. I continued to eat less and work out more, was consumed about how much I exercised and how many calories I was taking in that I made time for nothing else, not even friends. I would go all day without eating sometimes and after a couple of fainting spells, I decided I'd start eating a bit more. I felt bloated and gross so I took another way out: I purged my meals. If I even had a cupcake, I'd make myself throw up. My menstrual cycle was out of whack, I was in children's clothing and my teeth were slowly rotting but I thought I looked good. I started dating someone (my ex) and he'd notice broken blood vessels on my face from throwing up so much and I made up excuses and covered it in make-up to mask it. What others saw as gaunt and grail I saw as sexy and healthy.
In November 2009, I attended Thanksgiving with my family. I had brought some desserts from work and nobody had any so I ate them all. I stayed for another hour and said I had to go home. I drove a couple miles down the road to the nearest gas station and purged myself in the bathroom. It was the last time I ever purged myself. I was teetering between 90 - 95 lbs then. I confessed to my mom, who didn't understand why I'd even have such a warped view of myself and it tore me down. I left home and lived with my now-ex. I confided in him and he gave me a big hug and told me he didn't care about me for how I looked but for who I was. It took a few months to stop obsessing over it and it wasn't easy. I had a miscarriage because of my incredibly low body weight and poor health. My ex's support, along with his family and some of my family's support, have helped me overcome my body image issues. I'm still suffering from some of the consequences such as needing surgery to repair some of my teeth, but I'm more than happy to have realized how much my obsession with how I looked was slowly destroying me.
It's been almost 3 years since I admitted to my disorder and I'm in the 150s and am 20 weeks pregnant. I still do have my days where I wish I was a bit on the thinner side, despite my pregnancy, but I know that starving myself and making myself throw up each meal is not going to help me in any way. My message is clear that it's unhealthy and is not attractive but if the story itself hasn't said anything to you, maybe photographic proof will. I keep these pictures to remind myself how far I've become and to encourage people going through the same situation that this is not what you want to be.