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The 'starving myself thin' thread inspired me. A confession. *Graphic content*

Posted by   + Show Post

 Hopefully, it'll inspire people who are struggling to be 'thin and beautiful', as well. I'm not posting anonymously because it's no longer who I am.


I am a former bulimic. When I was growing up, I was a chubby teenager. My mom would constantly taunt me about my size and it contributed to the warped viw of myself that I had for the past 8 years. I finally got up and did something about it and had a healthy start: I walked 30 miles a week, did weight training, drank mainly water and watched what I ate. I went from 160 (I'm 5'3") to 135. I still didn't think I looked as good as others thought so I restricted my diet even more and upped my exercise routine. I continued to eat less and work out more, was consumed about how much I exercised and how many calories I was taking in that I made time for nothing else, not even friends. I would go all day without eating sometimes and after a couple of fainting spells, I decided I'd start eating a bit more. I felt bloated and gross so I took another way out: I purged my meals. If I even had a cupcake, I'd make myself throw up. My menstrual cycle was out of whack, I was in children's clothing and my teeth were slowly rotting but I thought I looked good. I started dating someone (my ex) and he'd notice broken blood vessels on my face from throwing up so much and I made up excuses and covered it in make-up to mask it. What others saw as gaunt and grail I saw as sexy and healthy.


In November 2009, I attended Thanksgiving with my family. I had brought some desserts from work and nobody had any so I ate them all. I stayed for another hour and said I had to go home. I drove a couple miles down the road to the nearest gas station and purged myself in the bathroom. It was the last time I ever purged myself. I was teetering between 90 - 95 lbs then. I confessed to my mom, who didn't understand why I'd even have such a warped view of myself and it tore me down. I left home and lived with my now-ex. I confided in him and he gave me a big hug and told me he didn't care about me for how I looked but for who I was. It took a few months to stop obsessing over it and it wasn't easy. I had a miscarriage because of my incredibly low body weight and poor health. My ex's support, along with his family and some of my family's support, have helped me overcome my body image issues. I'm still suffering from some of the consequences such as needing surgery to repair some of my teeth, but I'm more than happy to have realized how much my obsession with how I looked was slowly destroying me.


It's been almost 3 years since I admitted to my disorder and I'm in the 150s and am 20 weeks pregnant. I still do have my days where I wish I was a bit on the thinner side, despite my pregnancy, but I know that starving myself and making myself throw up each meal is not going to help me in any way. My message is clear that it's unhealthy and is not attractive but if the story itself hasn't said anything to you, maybe photographic proof will. I keep these pictures to remind myself how far I've become and to encourage people going through the same situation that this is not what you want to be.



by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:12 PM
Replies (31-40):
bearscubed
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:53 PM
2 moms liked this

 Ribs and hipbone protruding?

Quoting Anonymous:

I wish I could look like that.....

 

gwebkeijmmm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:53 PM
{hugs}
I've struggled {that doesn't even seem like the right word honestly) with bulimia for 11 years. It's hard to get out of your own head and want to give it up.
People on here do not get my facetious attitude towards the posts on here, so I get plenty of PMs about it.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
gracieb3
by Gold Member on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:55 PM
4 moms liked this

May God bless you with continued growth towards accurate body perception and healthy self esteem.  You are very pretty and your pictures are disturbing to see the small, frail and skeletal like frame. Take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Hugs and prayers you go further and congratulations on how far you have come. 

mickstinator
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for posting. 

I am a healthy weight, but I constantly have to remind myself that my goal is not weight loss. Sometimes I feel like lower numbers are always better. As a teenager, I always had a few extra pounds on me, although I was completely within an average weight range. Weight loss is far too addicting sometimes. It becomes a drug. 

bearscubed
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:57 PM

 Do you still go through it now? It's difficult because a lot of people don't realize that we see someone completely different in a mirror.

Quoting gwebkeijmmm:

{hugs}
I've struggled {that doesn't even seem like the right word honestly) with bulimia for 11 years. It's hard to get out of your own head and want to give it up.
People on here do not get my facetious attitude towards the posts on here, so I get plenty of PMs about it.

 

xomrs.chase
by Ruby Member on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:57 PM
Hugs* I've struggled with both in the past
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:58 PM
it's better then what I am now....I've had problems with not eating....I'm struggling again


Quoting bearscubed:

 Ribs and hipbone protruding?


Quoting Anonymous:

I wish I could look like that.....

 


bearscubed
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:59 PM

 I used to take a lot of Adderall to help me focus on my exercising, too. It got to the point where I became paranoid and sat in my room all day freaking out. I haven't been able to completely give up Adderall, unfortunately, but I'm significantly less dependent on it now.

Quoting mickstinator:

Thank you for posting. 

I am a healthy weight, but I constantly have to remind myself that my goal is not weight loss. Sometimes I feel like lower numbers are always better. As a teenager, I always had a few extra pounds on me, although I was completely within an average weight range. Weight loss is far too addicting sometimes. It becomes a drug. 

 

NaturalMama1026
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:59 PM
You know what's even more awful? The fact that there are woman who work out constantly to look like you and your mom was such an idiot! Girl you are beautiful and thin I might add.


Quoting i.heart.nerds:

 Thanks for sharing!
My mom used to ridicule me growing up. She would compare me to my sister who was always thin, tall and pretty. She would ask me if I was seriously going to eat what ever I was eating. It was horrible.
I pretty much stopped eating and really started to exercise. I lost a huge ammount of weight (Which wasn't needed because I was normal sized before) and started to pass out.
My bf, who is now my dh, sat me down and pretty much told me that he loved me but he wasn't going to watch me kill myself over my stupid mother.
With his help I started eating again and blocked out my mom completely.


This was my prom, when I started gaining weight again:


This is me recently, at the same weight I was when my mom was hounding me about my weight:



I didn't keep any pictures from that time because it was upsetting to look at when I had done to myself.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
bearscubed
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:59 PM

 Well you are anonymous, do you mind showing us?

Quoting Anonymous:

it's better then what I am now....I've had problems with not eating....I'm struggling again


Quoting bearscubed:

 Ribs and hipbone protruding?


Quoting Anonymous:

I wish I could look like that.....

 


 

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