How do I handle this? *its long and I'm sorry just please read it* UPDATED!
Backstory: I met SO on an ameteur porn site (sp? I'm mobile sry!) Its not something I'm proud of but whatever, it happened, he said his wife knew he was on this site, which I believe. (The site is tangotime.com if you wanna see what I mean) when we first started talking yes it was just sexual, but we just seemed to click, so I gave him my number and we started texting. We would text all day everyday, just talking about random shit. It turned into a friendship, and although I'm not proud of it, he was married at the time, for 11 years with 2 boys. I started to fall for him even though it was very long distance (he was in Oklahoma and I was in northern Indiana, 14 hours apart) I didn't really let him know about my feelings though, but obviously he knew I cared about him even though we had never met. But one night while texting he came out and said he loved me, and I told him that I loved him too.
So his wife left him and filed for divorce, she moved out in August '11 and in Oct '11 he bought me a plane ticket and I moved down here to be with him, leaving everyone and everything I've ever known and loved.
So recently I've noticed that they've been texting a lot, so tonight while he was in the shower I went thru his phone, I wanted to see what they were talking about! Most of it was just random shit, talking about the boys and stuff, that's fine. But he was talking to her about sexual stuff too, talking about how awesome the sex was with her, detailing certain times they had sex. He asked her if she had any sex toys still. At one point he said something about never being satisfied, whether he means with me or in general I'm not sure. Another thing I found on his phone is that he's back to looking at porn. Which I'm highly against! We watch it together occasionally in the bedroom and that I'm totally okay with, its when he does it behind my back is when I have a problem!
I love this man, and his 2 boys! I do everything and anything for all 3 of them that I can. And his boys love me too!
So how do I handle this? Part of me wants to run! We're going back to Indiana this weekend to visit my family and I'm really thinking about just staying. But I love him! I love him so much it hurts!!
He can be such a sweet guy, he makes me laugh so hard I cry (which I LOVE) he's a hard worker, he takes care of me and his boys, he's an amazing father! But I can't just let this happen! I just don't know what to do now...
Please no bashing, I just need some advice...
I wanna say thank you to the ladies that were kind and offered some help, I appreciate it. Now I knew that I would get bashed, obviously. But geez you ladies can be ruthless! Anyways, I was getting so many replies and being mobile it's hard to handle all of them, so I just thought I would post an update.
About the stepmom thing, no I NEVER claimed to be a stepmom, we're not married so technically I'm not a stepmom. BUT I have stepped up to the plate for these boys, when it's dad's week with them they are here with me all day while he's at work, during school I was taking them and picking them up for school, I would help them with their homework, make it sure it was done and checked, I made sure they have a good healthy meal in their bellies every night and clean clothes on their back. Everything. I'm pretty sure that I spend more time with them than their parents.
No I'm not married, my profile pic is from my brother's wedding.
And to be exact, he's not just looking at any porn, maybe it would be different if he was. But he's back on the site we met on, I'm not sure if he made an account again, but he's still on there. So maybe part of me is scared he's gonna try meeting a different girl or something.
Yes I know it was wrong for me to begin talking to him while he was still married. It's not like he lied about it, he told me up front that he was married. He also told me that she knew he was on that site and she didn't care, which led me to believe that maybe they had both already checked out anyways and it was just sorta a 'stay together for the kids' situation. It's really not something I'm proud of, at all. But it happened and I can't go back and undo it now, I can only move forward. When we began talking I NEVER in a million years thought that things would work out the way they did. He got into some legal trouble, nothing serious, and it's not like he's a jailbird or anything, and she left him. She had been cheating on him before, and everything, and she left him to go be with the guy she was seeing behind his back, they are still together. So maybe I was just brought down here because he was lonely, who knows. But it doesn't change the fact that I do love this man.
I was very upfront with him yesterday about what I found, I told him everything, I told him that I went through his phone and read the whole convo. The way he acted about it completely blew me away. He basically acted like he didn't care, like I went snooping through his phone and found it so it's my fault I got hurt and upset. Whether I found it or not, it was still wrong. He basically showed no remorse. He was telling me that I was trying to control him, that I'm possessive and have jealousy issues. I'll be the first to admit I do have insecurity and jealousy issues, but the shit that he did really isn't helping matters at all, he expects me to just fix myself and get over it, but I need his help too. I need his understanding. And I need to trust him. I don't feel like I'm trying to control him, I just feel like I have certain expectations for the person I'm with, don't talk to other girls like that, and respect me and my feelings, is that really too much to ask? It sounds pretty simple to me. I looked through his phone again last night, he had deleted EVERYTHING, browser history and everything. But there was still some messages from his ex where they were talking after he deleted stuff. And they were on and off talking about the fight we had. Nothing too bad I guess, just stupid stuff. But she did make the comment about "Oh your in a committed relationship now?" Ummm I thought moving 14 hours and living with someone for 9 months is a committed relationship? Please someone correct me if I'm wrong about that one!
When he got home we literally said nothing else about it, we acted like nothing happened. But then again we didn't kiss or touch or do anything, but he was calling me babe and everything else, like he always does. So who knows what's going through his head. He kissed before he left for work and we haven't spoke since.
Anyways, I'm still on the fence about what to do. But as of now all signs are pointing to me just going back to Indiana. Whether you guys wanna believe it or not, I am a good person, not a home wrecking whore, the home was wrecked before we even met. Maybe I just love him too much? Maybe my idea and his idea of a relationship isn't the same? Maybe we just aren't compatible like we thought we were? Either way I've never been so confused in my life. I can't just stop loving someone even when I know I should.
I know this got really long, and if you made it this far thank you, and once again please don't bash me, I feel low enough as it is. I need to feel any worse about myself.