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How do I handle this? *its long and I'm sorry just please read it* UPDATED!

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Backstory: I met SO on an ameteur porn site (sp? I'm mobile sry!) Its not something I'm proud of but whatever, it happened, he said his wife knew he was on this site, which I believe. (The site is tangotime.com if you wanna see what I mean) when we first started talking yes it was just sexual, but we just seemed to click, so I gave him my number and we started texting. We would text all day everyday, just talking about random shit. It turned into a friendship, and although I'm not proud of it, he was married at the time, for 11 years with 2 boys. I started to fall for him even though it was very long distance (he was in Oklahoma and I was in northern Indiana, 14 hours apart) I didn't really let him know about my feelings though, but obviously he knew I cared about him even though we had never met. But one night while texting he came out and said he loved me, and I told him that I loved him too.

So his wife left him and filed for divorce, she moved out in August '11 and in Oct '11 he bought me a plane ticket and I moved down here to be with him, leaving everyone and everything I've ever known and loved.

So recently I've noticed that they've been texting a lot, so tonight while he was in the shower I went thru his phone, I wanted to see what they were talking about! Most of it was just random shit, talking about the boys and stuff, that's fine. But he was talking to her about sexual stuff too, talking about how awesome the sex was with her, detailing certain times they had sex. He asked her if she had any sex toys still. At one point he said something about never being satisfied, whether he means with me or in general I'm not sure. Another thing I found on his phone is that he's back to looking at porn. Which I'm highly against! We watch it together occasionally in the bedroom and that I'm totally okay with, its when he does it behind my back is when I have a problem!

I love this man, and his 2 boys! I do everything and anything for all 3 of them that I can. And his boys love me too!

So how do I handle this? Part of me wants to run! We're going back to Indiana this weekend to visit my family and I'm really thinking about just staying. But I love him! I love him so much it hurts!!

He can be such a sweet guy, he makes me laugh so hard I cry (which I LOVE) he's a hard worker, he takes care of me and his boys, he's an amazing father! But I can't just let this happen! I just don't know what to do now...

Please no bashing, I just need some advice...


Update:

I wanna say thank you to the ladies that were kind and offered some help, I appreciate it. Now I knew that I would get bashed, obviously. But geez you ladies can be ruthless! Anyways, I was getting so many replies and being mobile it's hard to handle all of them, so I just thought I would post an update.

About the stepmom thing, no I NEVER claimed to be a stepmom, we're not married so technically I'm not a stepmom. BUT I have stepped up to the plate for these boys, when it's dad's week with them they are here with me all day while he's at work, during school I was taking them and picking them up for school, I would help them with their homework, make it sure it was done and checked, I made sure they have a good healthy meal in their bellies every night and clean clothes on their back. Everything. I'm pretty sure that I spend more time with them than their parents.

No I'm not married, my profile pic is from my brother's wedding.

And to be exact, he's not just looking at any porn, maybe it would be different if he was. But he's back on the site we met on, I'm not sure if he made an account again, but he's still on there. So maybe part of me is scared he's gonna try meeting a different girl or something.

Yes I know it was wrong for me to begin talking to him while he was still married. It's not like he lied about it, he told me up front that he was married. He also told me that she knew he was on that site and she didn't care, which led me to believe that maybe they had both already checked out anyways and it was just sorta a 'stay together for the kids' situation. It's really not something I'm proud of, at all. But it happened and I can't go back and undo it now, I can only move forward. When we began talking I NEVER in a million years thought that things would work out the way they did. He got into some legal trouble, nothing serious, and it's not like he's a jailbird or anything, and she left him. She had been cheating on him before, and everything, and she left him to go be with the guy she was seeing behind his back, they are still together. So maybe I was just brought down here because he was lonely, who knows. But it doesn't change the fact that I do love this man.

I was very upfront with him yesterday about what I found, I told him everything, I told him that I went through his phone and read the whole convo. The way he acted about it completely blew me away. He basically acted like he didn't care, like I went snooping through his phone and found it so it's my fault I got hurt and upset. Whether I found it or not, it was still wrong. He basically showed no remorse. He was telling me that I was trying to control him, that I'm possessive and have jealousy issues. I'll be the first to admit I do have insecurity and jealousy issues, but the shit that he did really isn't helping matters at all, he expects me to just fix myself and get over it, but I need his help too. I need his understanding. And I need to trust him. I don't feel like I'm trying to control him, I just feel like I have certain expectations for the person I'm with, don't talk to other girls like that, and respect me and my feelings, is that really too much to ask? It sounds pretty simple to me. I looked through his phone again last night, he had deleted EVERYTHING, browser history and everything. But there was still some messages from his ex where they were talking after he deleted stuff. And they were on and off talking about the fight we had. Nothing too bad I guess, just stupid stuff. But she did make the comment about "Oh your in a committed relationship now?" Ummm I thought moving 14 hours and living with someone for 9 months is a committed relationship? Please someone correct me if I'm wrong about that one!

When he got home we literally said nothing else about it, we acted like nothing happened. But then again we didn't kiss or touch or do anything, but he was calling me babe and everything else, like he always does. So who knows what's going through his head. He kissed before he left for work and we haven't spoke since.

Anyways, I'm still on the fence about what to do. But as of now all signs are pointing to me just going back to Indiana. Whether you guys wanna believe it or not, I am a good person, not a home wrecking whore, the home was wrecked before we even met. Maybe I just love him too much? Maybe my idea and his idea of a relationship isn't the same? Maybe we just aren't compatible like we thought we were? Either way I've never been so confused in my life. I can't just stop loving someone even when I know I should.

I know this got really long, and if you made it this far thank you, and once again please don't bash me, I feel low enough as it is. I need to feel any worse about myself.

by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 1:41 AM
Replies (41-50):
Sanctimommy
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:04 AM
2 moms liked this

Lol. Goodness.

I hope this isn't true. I got mine by climbing into his bedroom window when he was a 19 year old virgin and I was a homeless pregnant 15 year old (I had never met him before, either).

Does this mean I will lose him by him shoving me out that same bedroom window 25 years later? I might break a hip!

Quoting sweetnsassymami:

How you get him is how you'll lose him. I do not know why you had high hopes for this relationship.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:05 AM
2 moms liked this

Aren't you posed on a high horse?  She's not the best person in the world, but it might not have been just her that split her SO's marriage up.  She put in the post the wife was aware of her SO's dalliances on the porn site.  But she's been living with him and the kids for almost a year now, in a mothering type role.  She isn't an actual step-mom since they aren't married, but she's still a type of mother figure and at this point helping raise the kids in a daily life.  Maybe she needed some damn advice from other mom's on how to handle that role.

Quoting Amybelle:


Quoting Anonymous:

She's a step-mom technically, which makes her a mom even if the children aren't from her womb.  Don't be a bitch.

Quoting MaTTsBBmAmA:

I'm trying to figure out where your kids are I mean this is cafemom so I'm assuming you are one but no mention of any kids but his??


she's NOT a Step-Mom...........she's a Dalliance, a Fling, a Wanna-be "Porn Star" AND a wanna-be "Mom"


SJG1013
by SJG on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:06 AM
1 mom liked this

Sorry but this made me laugh. Thanks for the laugh and hope you don't have to go out the way you came in . :0)

Quoting Sanctimommy:

Lol. Goodness.

I hope this isn't true. I got mine by climbing into his bedroom window when he was a 19 year old virgin and I was a homeless pregnant 15 year old (I had never met him before, either).

Does this mean I will lose him by him shoving me out that same bedroom window 25 years later? I might break a hip!

Quoting sweetnsassymami:

How you get him is how you'll lose him. I do not know why you had high hopes for this relationship.



Livinwith3boys
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:07 AM
2 moms liked this

sweet guys don't cheat on their wives....He likes the thrill of having someone on the side, and you will never change that!! I have a feeling he's going to end up back with his wife, WHERE HE BELONGS...and you are going to be just a bump in the road of their marriage!! Leave this man alone, he is taken, find another one!! And a little piece of advice is you will NOT find a man of good character while you are on an ameture porn site!

Grumpylilpixy
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:07 AM

So basically you are losing him the way you met him? 

Let this be a lesson to you and everyone else who messes with a married man.

Sorry mama, but you kinda knew what you were getting into when he was hitting you up being married.

aimhawk
by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:07 AM

First step would be communicating with him. Talk it out.

MaTTsBBmAmA
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:08 AM
2 moms liked this
She's not their stepmom dumbass!!!! She's not any kind of mom she's the girl daddy left mommy for!!!! I'm done you're ignorant ;)

Quoting Anonymous:

Luckily it's not your opinion if someone is or isn't a mom, now is it?  She's been living with the kids for 8 months in a mothering role.  Does that mean a brand new mom to an 8 month old infant isn't a mom yet? Because she hasn't been one long enough? 

Quoting MaTTsBBmAmA:

I wasn't being a bitch and dating a guy for 8 months doesn't make her a mom imo... Defensive much???
Quoting Anonymous:

She's a step-mom technically, which makes her a mom even if the children aren't from her womb.  Don't be a bitch.

Quoting MaTTsBBmAmA:

I'm trying to figure out where your kids are I mean this is cafemom so I'm assuming you are one but no mention of any kids but his??



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
sweetnsassymami
by Ruby Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:08 AM
1 mom liked this
Lmfao I hope not!!

Quoting Sanctimommy:

Lol. Goodness.

I hope this isn't true. I got mine by climbing into his bedroom window when he was a 19 year old virgin and I was a homeless pregnant 15 year old (I had never met him before, either).

Does this mean I will lose him by him shoving me out that same bedroom window 25 years later? I might break a hip!

Quoting sweetnsassymami:

How you get him is how you'll lose him. I do not know why you had high hopes for this relationship.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
jshalas89
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:09 AM
3 moms liked this
You're a walking contradiction. You met on a porn site but he can't watch porn. He cheated on his WIFE with you but it's confusing that he cheat on you with her or anyone else for that matter. You should've seen this coming and not jumped so fast. I think this is karma? How could you possibly think a fairy tale ending was to come of this? What do you tell people about how you two met?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Amybelle
by Ruby Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:09 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Anonymous:

Aren't you posed on a high horse?  She's not the best person in the world, but it might not have been just her that split her SO's marriage up.  She put in the post the wife was aware of her SO's dalliances on the porn site.  But she's been living with him and the kids for almost a year now, in a mothering type role.  She isn't an actual step-mom since they aren't married, but she's still a type of mother figure and at this point helping raise the kids in a daily life.  Maybe she needed some damn advice from other mom's on how to handle that role.

Quoting Amybelle:


Quoting Anonymous:

She's a step-mom technically, which makes her a mom even if the children aren't from her womb.  Don't be a bitch.

Quoting MaTTsBBmAmA:

I'm trying to figure out where your kids are I mean this is cafemom so I'm assuming you are one but no mention of any kids but his??


she's NOT a Step-Mom...........she's a Dalliance, a Fling, a Wanna-be "Porn Star" AND a wanna-be "Mom"


so if your SO (if you have one) cheats on & leaves you..............you accept the Other Woman  is a Mom to your chil(ren).

There's something wrong with you (or you are the Other Woman)

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