Giving up visitation with kids
- 24 Replies
Would you support your DH/SO if they wanted to give up visitation except once a year with their kids, due to their ex's being overbearing, demanding, interfering, and the courts will not do anything about it?
Do you think that it would be the right thing to do, to wait until the kid is old enough to decide on their own to have a relationship with their father or not?
Backstory: SO and ex-wife divorced 6 years ago. SO has a 9 year old son. His ex wife has managed to turn SO's entire life upside down, make him miserable, and convince the courts that SO shouldn't have 50/50 custody because it's not stable for SS. She has brain washed their son to the point that he cries and cries whenever he has to come over. He hates his dad and makes it clear he is miserable when he is in our home. She will break CO, over and over again, but every time SO tries doing something, she gets a slap on the wrist and the judge tells SO to "suck it up, you don't always get what you want". She holds back SS from seeing SO during CO visitation days because she wants to do things with SS, or her family has something planned. Just in the two years I have been around, I have seen her play this game multiple times, even in front of me, where she will guilt trip SS when he leaves her. She plays the "poor me" card, saying how lonely she is when he leaves, how he's her whole world and will be so sad when he goes to his dad's. I think this is why SS acts up so badly when he's with SO.
SO is fed up, frustrated, and even though has been to court for several things over the years, his wants are rejected. He has even stated he will pay the same amount of child support, he just wants to have his son more often. He is to the point that he does not care- if SS doesn't want to see him, and it's just going to be a fight with the ex-wife, he doesn't want to do it anymore. He told me he wants to file for custody modification to where he only has SS in the summer for 6 weeks.
We live ten miles from BM.
What do you think?
i'd get a new judge... give the new judge all the evidence that the child is being withheld from CO visits, that hte dad is attempting to make it better, etc.
but i do like what the other poster said-- have dad call and see what his son wants. if he doesnt want to come over, fine, but that means he HAS to go to lunch or dinner with him.
if he completely gave up throughout the year and only wanted him for a few weeks in the summertime... IMO, its bullshit. whats gonna change in that 10.5 month span that dad has no contact with the kid? if i hadnt seen someone for 10 months, i personally wouldnt want to go to their home for a few weeks- and i'm 24 years old! imagine a 10 year old adn what he thinks/feels at that point.
Quoting Anonymous:He has tried EVERYTHING to have a relationship with his kid. He has even gone so far as to request for them to have counseling together and separately- and the judge denied it. Unless BM agrees to it, SS doesn't have to go to counseling and SO cannot take him.
What would you suggest?
Quoting pasteeater:
If my husband gave up on his kid, I'd give up on him.
He sees his son once maybe twice a month as it is.
So you're saying, everything is dad's fault because he married a woman who changed completely when she had a kid, became crazy and possessive of the child, and now uses the kid as a pawn? You think it is dad's fault that he doesn't see his son? You think it is HIS fault his ex will not be an adult and think of her child before her own selfish wants?
You obviously do not understand the situation. Your advice sucks.
I don't think he should give up his kid. But I DON'T think it is fair for a child to have to be put in a position where he is miserable because he is so warped from his mother's fucked up ways of raising him. It is THE MOTHER'S FAULT- NOT DAD'S. Dad cannot teach this child ANYTHING with a fucked up mother using PAS as a form of abuse to fuck up her son's head and vision of his dad.
For your information, my dad forced my brother to see him every other weekend for 18 years. My mom had warped my brother into believing that my dad was a bad dad, didn't love us, etc. She's nuts. Guess what? My brother is an adult with two kids of his own, and STILL BELIEVES his dad does not love him and has zero relationship.
This shit doesn't go away just because a father forces their kids to spend time with him. It can make things worse. Kids need to be able to make their own decisions and form their own opinions, in situations like these.
And, yeah my SO should be teaching his son to be a man. But he can't. It takes more than two days a month to do that and when the whole time he is WITH his son, his kid is screaming about hating him and how he doesn't want to be there and wants his mommy, WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO? Yell at him? Spank him? Forget trying to talk nicely to him. Doesn't work. This kid is messed up because of the shit his mother has done and unfortunately, the court system only sees dad as a form of money for mom, not an actual parent to have say in the kid's life. They overlook EVERYTHING he has ever tried to tell them.
so yeah, if SO wants to let SS decide when to come over, and that ends up being never for right now, then I'll support him. My SO's happiness is at stake. If SS is happier being deluded by BM then right now, that needs to be the way it is. Maybe SS will figure out how fucking crazy his mother is down the road. But for now, he doesn't understand and doesn't want to listen, and with BM refusing to listen or be rational, it's impossible to do ANYTHING to help the kid.
You obviously have been eating paste.
Quoting pasteeater:
Trust me I know crazy. My kids are grown and bio dad and bitch still mess with me. I'd keep seeing my kid. It's not a toy to be put on a shelf and only to view it once a year. I say suck it up and deal. He made the kid with her. Maybe he should have made better choices about wear he's dipping his stick. Since he doesn't he's going to have to deal with bio mom. If you don't like someone enough to have a kid with then wrap it up. It's not the kids fault but that's who is paying the price. You all should at least try and be grown ups. You people are who he's going to base his life choices off of. So he's got a crazy mom a dad who just walks away and a step mom who thinks it's ok to just leave him. You all are setting him up for a stellar future. He's not some sort of puppy. Hes a boy with feelings. A boy who needs a man to teach him how to be a man. Shouldn't that be your husband? Or would you prefer it's whatever man she has lying around. I'd walk on hot coals to see my kid. I dealt with crazy people dangerous people. It was my fault. I laid down with the dog and now forever we are connected. Parenting doesn't stop at 18. Far from it.
Quoting Anonymous:He has tried EVERYTHING to have a relationship with his kid. He has even gone so far as to request for them to have counseling together and separately- and the judge denied it. Unless BM agrees to it, SS doesn't have to go to counseling and SO cannot take him.
What would you suggest?
Quoting pasteeater:
If my husband gave up on his kid, I'd give up on him.
Do you ever get hit on even looking a mess?
Why inflict this silly cosmetic pain on a baby!?!