Tonight I was suppose to write out what I wanted to say to my mom at her memorial services this Friday. I was completely lost and didn't even want to think about it. (I have to have it to our pastor by 5pm tomorrow so he can get it ready for me.) I promised my mom I would not be mad at her if she let go and went home to God. I promised her I would not be mad or upset if she wanted to give up. Today I had a momentary leap of pure anger. I tried hard to explain it to my husband that it was not anger at her heart, soul or spirit, that it was anger at her body, for giving up. I'm not "mad" at God per say. I'm confused as to why I am losing out on my mom now. (Long story short, my mom wasn't able to be in our lives from the age of 9 til 18, not by her own doing, but by A LOT of family drama, and the family with the most money is the ones we were placed with. They made sure she never found us. But that's an entirely other subject for another time. My mother and I have only been back in each others lives for the last 9 years. WE became VERY close. We formed that mother-child relationship and mother-adult child relationship. She was my rock. She was the only one I could take EVERYTHING to and she would not love me any less, she would not judge me, she did not love my husband unless or think of him anyless when I would complain about him. She would ask me what my plan was after I did my complaining and how I was gonna get what I wanted, or make the goal I had intended. Thats all another LONG story as well. Anyways back to the point....)
In any case, here is what I wrote out to my mom tonight for her service on Friday.
I bet everyone is expecting me to write and say something profound, and moving about who my mother was and what she meant to me. Truth be told I don't think I have anything profound to write or say. What I do have to write and say is an unmeasurable love, and unbreakable bond.
I had been told many vicious lies about both of my parents, more about my mother than my father. I never knew what to believe in or who to believe. I still do not to this day. But today is not about that. Today is about my mother, and her incredible journey, her unmeasurable love, and her stubborn strength.
Everything I did in life, I did to avoid the mistakes my parents made. I worked hard at changing the cycles of life I had been dealt. I had dreamed of a life where my then future children would never have to endure the same hardships and pain I had to endure. I meticulouslyand methodically went out of my way to change the course of my life. I wanted to be "better" than the life I had been given. In the course of my journey into adulthood, wifehood and motherhood, I soon realized that aside from the not so great life decisions, I was exactly like my parents, but in the good way.
I don't give myself enough credit for the gifts my mother passed onto me. I sit here and remember thinking to myself about all of the times I was angry and frustrated with my mom for keeping me from the entire truth of her condition, even though she was so honest and forth coming with me on everything else. I just could not understand why she would do this to me. Looking back at this time, I made the realization that I am doing the EXACT same thing with my children that she was doing with hers. Parents are suppose to be our superheroes. They are suppose to be strong, and not ever be weak. they are suppose to swoop in and pick us up, and kiss away our ouchies and boo boos. They are suppose to help heal our broken hearts, and mend our brokenness. It sudden clicked to me that my mom, my super hero, was protecting me from even more pain than I needed to endure. That I am just like her, I am protecting my boys from enduring pain they can't even understand.
My husband will sit there and tell you just how stubborn I am. I will stand my ground until the death of me. Especially if I am passionate about what ever it is I'm being stubborn about. My mom did not want to leave her grandbabies, her children, and the love of her life. She ached over how we would all recover from it, how we would live through it. She ached over the thought of not having more memories with all of us. She did not want to give any of that up. She was told she would not see Jayden be born, by several doctors. Well, when you tell her she can't and wont, she does. She proved the doctors wrong. She lived long enough to not only see Jayden bron, but she also lived long enough to see Zechariah born. These two little boys were her proudest achievements. Being a grandma made her entire world that much better and bareable. She lived to spoil them rotten.
She knew it drove me crazy to sneak Jayden ice cream, cookies, cake, and basically anything he was not suppose to have, but she loved every moment of being the grandma and spoiling him with these treats. She also lived to spoil and support the three of her own children. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do for the three of us. If she had to she would crawl every inch of this planet for us. She took us in when we had no where else and no one else, she helped us when we were left to figure things out on our own and could not, she loved us when we were unlovable. These are things only a super hero could do; only a mother could do. It is her unconditional love that makes me be a better mother to my boys and a better wife to my husband.
Mom stayed and fought just long enough to see that we were all going to be just fine. She made sure that I could handle being a mother. She made sure to teach us something every time we talked. She made sure that I had the love and support of an incredible man, who came with an equally incredible family. She left knowing that the boys still had a grandma left to spoil them rotten, to help her daughter and be there for me, and in her words to love me as if I were her daughter as well. My mom was not going to leave until she knew my every wish came true, which was to have the strong dynamic family that I never got to have, but my boys would be able to enjoy growing up. She left knowing that I got my very wish, and that Jayden and Zechariah were abundantly loved. She knew that these boys would never feel even an ounce of the pain I did growing up. That comforted her more than words could express.
My mother gave me a last gift in her final week and days. We confided in one another and made some promises, that will always be kept. I will love my boys unconditionally, without judgement and with reprive just as she loved us. I would also crawl to the ends of the earth and beyond for my boys, just as she did for us. I promised to always love my husband and his family just as she loved Mike and his. I promised to give the boys the biggest wettest kisses and big hugs from her every day, and as much as I could and remind them about her, and never let them forget her. I have. I've written them letters about as many memories as I can and will continue to do so. I made her promise me to take care of my Angel baby with my Aunt Dawn. I made her promise to tell Aunt Dawn hello from me and that I love and miss her so much. I now have lost two mothers. My womb mother and my soul mother. When one wasn't able to be there the other was and vise versa. Between these two women they shaped the women I am today. The unconditionally loving wife and mother I am now. I thank God for my mom, and her incrediable strength, and I can only dream of having that strength for my boys.
In giving me one last gift, I unknowingly gave my mother one last gift and memory she took with her. I called my mom 5 times and asked if she were okay. I texted her and asked her if she wanted me to stay home from my vacation. She did not want me to, she sounded better than she had in a long time, she sounded like she had full spirit. I left fully expecting to come home to her and be able to give her more love. I did not know that the last time I saw her this past week would be the last ever. I did not know that those last conversations, about nothing really would be the last I would have. Totally meaningless conversations, like should we cut Jayden'shair or let it grow out. And how excited we both were to see Jayden's reaction to Seaworld. And how big Zechariah has been getting, that I must put lard in my breastmilk or something, and her responding that it was just good southern mama milk. The milk that makes football players, and studs. Her last gift to me, and act as my mother was (I don't know whether to saying letting me, or making me) go spend a happy peaceful family vacation with my husband and boys. I had no idea until it was over, that it was my last gift to her and act as her daughter to send her pictures and updates about how Jayden was reacting to Seaworld. I was told her face lite up like the fourth of July, when she got my text message with a picture of Jayden and I playing with the dolphins. That, that picture had made her entire day. That her smile was from ear to ear, even through the pain of not being able to breathe. Her last gift and act for me was my last gift and act for her. She spared me the pain and suffering of watching her go, watching her painfully leave. I gave her comfort of enjoying my babies, and watching them have fun. That's what superheros do. My mom was, is, and will always be my super hero. Thank you mom, for always being my super hero. Words could never say how greatfulI am for your wisdom, strength, gifts, knowledge, and stubborness you passed down to me. I feel like I lost my best friend, but I also feel like I gained an angel to help watch over my boys when I am not around. Always in my heart and I love you mom. Please find peace and rest now.
Love always, Your Daughter,
(I'm not sure if this is 100% done. I usually will go back and re read and change things. But this is written without stopping from the heart. I'm going to let it sit and settle in, until we meet with our pastor tomorrow to go over things. I may make some changes. Like I said I was having a difficult time trying to find the words to say something, but I went and meet a good friend of mine, and we talked and talked for about 3 hours. She lost her father to colon cancer as well. She understood me, and comforted me, and helped me work through many of my issues that I am having right now. I know that I am not done grieving, and I wont be for a long time, but I know I have her to go to with my grief now. I know I can count on her to understand me, and what I am aching over. She helped me find the words I wanted to say. I am still in the rollar coaster ride of it coming in waves, and with different emotions every time. Today I seem to be going through the anger wave. I promised my mom I would not be angry at her if she was ready to give up and let go. It's hard to explain, but I am NOT angry at her, her spirit or her soul. I AM angry at her body for failing us. I feel like I was robbed once of her in my life and now I'm being robbed again as well as my boys are being robbed. My sorrow is mostly for my boys, and for my mother. For my boys because they don't get to have her physically in their lives, and get to have good sound memories of her. For my mother, because I know how badly she wanted to see them grow up, and to spoil them rotten all of their life. So I'm angry because we were all robbed of that. But I am NOT angry with her. Today was particularly rough. We signed the papers for her last wishes to be carried out, picked out her urn for her ashes, and her ground plate for the cemetary. We chose to have a plate made and bought a "memorial" plot (not a burial plot, but a memorial plot) to have some where to go and be with her, to visit her, to take the boys to "see" her, to know that, that is where Grandma is resting. It was very emotional for my step dad, and the 3 of us children. My moms wishes were that we do it all together as a family. We honored that. I hate that we had to do this, and go through it. We all seem to be at different places in this rollar coaster, our waves thankfully all come at different times, so we can all be there for one another. When one is going down another is coming up to help pull the others up. My mom would have wanted it that way. Anyways thank you for reading.)
RIP Thelma Dale Dec 13, 1966- July 7th 2012.
November 2009, the last time all 3 of us children were together withmy mom. My baby brother (not so much a baby anymore), my mother, myself (the next month we made our oldest son), and my sister (yes she is younger than me.) My mom had cancer for about 3 years at this point, but it was still undiagnoised. She wouldn't be diagnoised until Feb 2010, on the same day that we found out we were indeed pregnant with our oldest son.
My wonderful husband, my mother in law, myself (obviously, this is me 9 months pregnant with my oldest son), my mom. The co hosted my co ed baby shower. Family is a big thing with us, men and women go to all events. This was August 2010.
The day my oldest was born, this is September 2010. She was beyond happy. The doctors told her she would not live long enough to see him be born. Her strength is what helped me through my very long labor. This is where she confided in my mother in law, and they became good friends. Being a grandma made her world.
This was The day after my youngest son was born. We were both in the same hospital. She was one floor below me. We got the nurses to release me as soon as possible so we could bring my son down to her. This was May 2012.
Same day. She lived for the 3 of us.
This was Fathers day this year. The day we dedicated our youngest son to our LORD, (he is wearing the same out fit that big brother wore for his dedication). It's Pastor Bret with our son, myself, my husband and our oldest son, my mom, my mother in law, my mother in laws mom and then dad. This was the last day she felt pain. She couldn't explain it, other than God wanted her to have one last pain free day with her grand babies and with me her daughter. She felt at peace, and had no pain this entire day. She was able to hold and play with our youngest son, and chase around our oldest son afterwards when we went to Denny's then back to our house to visit. This was my moms last "good" day.
My mom at 19, the day she announced that she was pregnant with me. (Don't mind the hair, this was the early 80s, and she ADORED Charlies Angels and had the Farrah hair duo well into the new millenium.)
My mom and I on one of our INFAMOUS mother daughter adventures. This was before babies. I think back in 2008 this was taken. My mom was afraid of heights, and this was just at the entranceinto the Grand Canyon. This was as close as I could get her to go. Which you can tell wasn't that close. My mom and I enjoyed going on random adventures. We often took weekends off just to go screw around. This trip had SO many things go wrong, but we both laughed our butts off about every part of it. Likely my most treasured trip with her. My car broke down, and just needed some sort of valve replaced (on the I-17. a friggen 20 buck valve, took all of 15 mins to replace and fix), then two tires blew, which took another 30 mins to fix. We got lost 6 times, some how ended up on the I-40 headed towards Las Vegas. Lost her debit card, couldn't find mine, until we stopped at a rest stop to use the restroom and it someone fell out of no where (I swear it did) into the toliet. It wouldn't work, but they could type the numbers in to make it work. Forgot my charger at home and so we lost the use of the GPS, until we got into Flagstaff and was able to buy a replacement charger. Lost her cell phone all together. Never found it. Decided to stay the night camping off of the 89A, instead of at the hotel we paid for, and got skunked. lol. It was a disastrous trip, but we laughed about it the whole way, and still to her last day laughed about it.
Find rest and peace my dearest mother, my super hero.