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What Do I Say To That? Advice Please

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

Lately my mom has been going through a tough time. She's thinking about her life and choices. She texted me and said "I know I wasn't the best mom, but I did the best I could for you and your brother. You know that right?"

What do I say to that? She watched us get abused, was abused herself by my stepdad. She saw my bloody face when he pushed his hand over my mouth so hard my teeth cut into my lips. She saw the clumps of my hair on the ground and cleaned them up after he picked me up from the ground by my hair. She cleaned the cut I got on my head when he threw a fucking rock at me and split my scalp open. She saw the bruises on my brother's back.

It took me going to school and seeing a bad grade and crying for the teacher to see. I was crying because I knew if I brought home a "D" on a paper, I'd be beaten again. My ankle was already sprained from him throwing me down the stairs the day before. My teacher asked what was wrong and I told her everything. My mother was forced to leave or lose us.

And the she found a man that was verbally abusive. Calling my dyslexic brother a retard, pushing my brother against the wall when he was angry, calling me an idiot and a butch, calling my mom a cunt...

How do I respond to my mom that I know she did her best? How do I not tell her she's wrong? Or would pointing out her mistakes now even make a difference? Idk maybe I'll just ignore it. I just felt so angry when she sent me that message. How could she not even say she's sorry?

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 21, 2012 at 2:46 AM
Replies (11-20):
mz_erica03
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 2:59 AM
I agree

Quoting 3pippings:

Tell her you both need to sit down and talk face to face. Then you can tell her whatever is in your heart. Because when you read, you put your own emotion in it. Not the writer. That's how a lot of things get lost in translation.

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mrsdic
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 2:59 AM

You're allowed to stalk me if you want lmao. 

Quoting coconut01:

Ahg now it looks like I'm stalking you.


Quoting mrsdic:

In person.  I wouldn't coddle her..... but don't crush the woman either.  She feels guilty, that's obvious.  It has to be horrible thinking about letting your kids go through that & then she was abused herself...

However, that's a terrible terrible thing for a mother to do.  Personally, I would text back with "well, that's pretty sad if that's the best you could do, but thanks for the thought?"  and leave it alone.  But I'm a bitch I guess.  Best of luck with everything, so sorry about everything you went through.  It's not right.  She should have protected you & your brother.  I don't doubt that she loves you though. 



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:02 AM
God I don't know. I've just never vented to her about it. She's the kind of person that when she's wrong she plays the victim if you try to point it out. It's the whole "woe is me, people are attacking me" attitude. I think she's honestly excused herself in her eyes.

I think it would do me good to tell her how I feel about it, but it would do her bad. I guess the question is do I want to be selfish and tell her or swallow it and let her think it's ok?

Quoting littleacorn:

Does it burn you badly enough that it would be worth the pain it would cause her? Opening the wound could help you both heal, or it could become (metaphorically) infected.




Quoting Anonymous:

I agree. I just don't know if it's a conversation worth having or if I should bite my tongue, lie, and say it's all ok. After all, we are grown and it's all over. I think it just burns me that she thinks her behavior is okay, even after all this time.





Quoting littleacorn:

If you decide to go with the truth, that is not a conversation to have by texting. That would be one of those to have in person.

Palindromeda
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:02 AM
1 mom liked this

Forgiveness is the hardest thing to come by sometimes, but often it is also the most rewarding. Just because you forgive someone though doesn't mean you have to agree with what has happened in the past, only that it IS in the past.

areyouatroll
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:05 AM
I'd either let her have it (she can't even apologize!?!), or don't respond at all.


I do not respond at all, because my mother is mentally ill and would most likely kill herself if i spoke my mind.

There is a situation going on with my brother right now that may change my mind on keeping quite, we will see how it plays out. Just drama, no abuse or anything....but still pretty wrong imo so far.
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sissyboogs
by Platinum Member on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:05 AM

If you're ready for that kind of discussion, you tell her exactly how you feel about it. 

My husband is going through something very, very similar with his mother. She watched as her husband beat the shit out of him and his brothers when they were little. She allowed it to happen. Then, recently, she told my husband he was a liar and it never happened. Oh man, did that piss him off! After that, she admitted that it happened, but she still hasn't apologized for it. She just keeps saying that she "did the best she could". He doesn't talk to her about it because he's not ready for that conversation. 

I told her I don't want to hear that sorry excuse. I told her she knows damn well she didn't do the best she could. She knew she had other options. I reminded her what I went through with my PPD, and if I could get through what I went through without hurting my kids, then she could have found a way through her experience without her kids being hurt. I told her it's no wonder my husband doesn't believe in God (this conversation started because she wanted to try to talk to me about my husband not believing in God)--because where was God at when a young boy was being beaten by his stepdad while "mommy" sat around drunk and stoned watching it happen? 

Sad thing is, like you, ALL my husband wants from his mother is an apology. That's all. And, she won't give it to him because she maintains that she did the "best she could". 

coconut01
by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:05 AM
1 mom liked this
Teehee :)


Quoting mrsdic:

You're allowed to stalk me if you want lmao. 

Quoting coconut01:

Ahg now it looks like I'm stalking you.





Quoting mrsdic:

In person.  I wouldn't coddle her..... but don't crush the woman either.  She feels guilty, that's obvious.  It has to be horrible thinking about letting your kids go through that & then she was abused herself...

However, that's a terrible terrible thing for a mother to do.  Personally, I would text back with "well, that's pretty sad if that's the best you could do, but thanks for the thought?"  and leave it alone.  But I'm a bitch I guess.  Best of luck with everything, so sorry about everything you went through.  It's not right.  She should have protected you & your brother.  I don't doubt that she loves you though. 





Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:09 AM
She didn't abuse me. She just would act like she didn't know what was going on and she didn't get us out of those bad situations.

And since I moved out, things are better between us. We built a better relationship. This text was out of the blue, just because things are difficult for her right now. She's finally divorcing the guy that called my brother a retard and called me a bitch.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

I would tell her she is wrong. I would tell her that it is sad that she thinks that was the best she could do. I'd be livid if the 'mother' who abused me said that to me. 

MissTuree
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:10 AM

My mom brought something up to me recently. My cousin just died, he was young, it was a car accident, but his mother wasn't the best to say the least. So when I found out he was dead I was extremely angry at her for not giving him a better childhood. As I was telling my mom this when she stopped me and began telling me about my cousin's mother's life as a child. She had been raised by an alcoholic single mother who never had a stable home and could care less for her kids. And that's putting it nicely. So when she became a mother, although she wasn't the best the mom she did a hell of a lot better than anything she ever recieved. She was 10 fold a better mother than her own.

This is not meant to be an excuse, a mother's #1 job is to protect their child, but it's just another way to look at it. She wasn't the best, but maybe she did the best she knew how to, and you I'm sure are now an even better mother to your child. There is no need to be mean to her, to show her the truth, she already knows. I think the best thing to say is, "Things weren't perfect, but I know you love me and now I am trying to be the best parent I can be."

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 21, 2012 at 3:15 AM
I do know her father was an alcoholic and her mother has cheated on every guy she's been with. She may have been abused, even if I ask I'm sure they wouldn't tell me.

Regardless, I just don't understand why you would grow up and say "I'll let the same shit I hate happen to my child too". Personally, after having gone through that, I will never lift a finger to my child.

Quoting MissTuree:

My mom brought something up to me recently. My cousin just died, he was young, it was a car accident, but his mother wasn't the best to say the least. So when I found out he was dead I was extremely angry at her for not giving him a better childhood. As I was telling my mom this when she stopped me and began telling me about my cousin's mother's life as a child. She had been raised by an alcoholic single mother who never had a stable home and could care less for her kids. And that's putting it nicely. So when she became a mother, although she wasn't the best the mom she did a hell of a lot better than anything she ever recieved. She was 10 fold a better mother than her own.


This is not meant to be an excuse, a mother's #1 job is to protect their child, but it's just another way to look at it. She wasn't the best, but maybe she did the best she knew how to, and you I'm sure are now an even better mother to your child. There is no need to be mean to her, to show her the truth, she already knows. I think the best thing to say is, "Things weren't perfect, but I know you love me and now I am trying to be the best parent I can be."

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