Am I wrong to expect the housework done and dinner on the table when I get home? I have an update on page 9

[Anonymous]

I am an RN, I would 2 jobs, one I work 3 days a week, 14 hours each day and the other I work 2 days a week, 14 hours each day so I am working 70 hours a week. My DH and I have 5 kids between the two of us, none together but all 5 live with us full time. Like many others in out area, DH was laid off and hasn't been able to get another job. Before he was laid off, I only worked 3 days a week but since then, I have taken a second job. The agreement was that he would be the "house husband" and take care of all the kids (ages 7-14). Every day, I come home, the house is trashed. Usually dinner is take out or pizza. Last night I came home and that was how it was, nothing had been cleaned and he got pizza for dinner, which means not only did he not cook but he spend $50 of the money I earn so that he didn't have to cook. I have to do at least half of the laundry so that I have clean clothes to wear to work. Seriously, on tudesday, I came home I didn't have one clean uniform so after being gone from 5 am till 8:30, I had to do laundry so that I had something to wear the next day. I called him out on it (not in front of the kids) but I said "what do you do all day? The house is always trashed and most days, you don't even make dinner". He got mad and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I work hard, I support myself and my 3 kids plus him and his 2, is it really wrong that while I work 70 hour weeks, I expect him to do all the housework and cook dinner? ********************************UDATE************************************* UPDATE Personally, I don't think I should have to set up chores and tell everyone what they need to do, DH should do that since he is home but clearly that is not happening. So I wrote out a list of chores for each person My 14 year old DS: clean 1 bathroom every day (we have 3 full and 1 half bathrooms) Keep his room clean Cook dinner one night a week (I will tell him what to make) Unload and reload the dishwasher in the morning My 13 year old SDD Clean 1 bathroom every day keep her room clean cook dinner one night a week unload and reload the dishwasher at night My 10 year old DD: clean the half bath every day keep her room clean Set or clear the table for dinner (will take turns with her step) brother) Dust and pick up the living room every other day My 9 year old SDS: Keep his room clean Take all all the trash every day from all bathrooms and the kitchen set or clear the table for dinner Dust and pick up the living room every other day My 7 year old DD: keep her room clean feed the dog and cat scoop the kitty litter every day This leaves my DH with: Dinner 3 nights a week doing the laundry sweeping and moping the tile floors and sweeping and steam moping the hard wood floors wipe down the kitchen counter make sure everyone does their jobs. If all of this is done, the house will be clean and dinner will be made when I get home. I am going to show this list to DH and just tell him that I am at my breaking point and I can't keep working as much as I do and still having to come home and do stuff around the house. It is very much a respect issue, if he can't show enough respect for the work I do, I will seriously consider a separation.

[HIJKLM]

I agree with you but maybe you're being a little rough on him. This is a new situation for you guys and hard to get used to. Hell, since summer break I haven't been able to keep my house completely clean because it's a change and I'm trying to get used to it.

The way I see it: if one person works outside of the home the majority of the "house work" should be done by the other (although my ex was useless when I was working 96 hrs a week and he stayed home). Now that I'm a SAHM my DF hasn't done a load of laundry or dishes, vacuumed, mopped, etc. in 2 years. He does do 99% of the cooking but I do the rest so when he comes home we can both relax together.

[cmfarm]

Why didn't you already have chores in place fot the kids? Your 14 year old is really out of line. It shouldn't matter what your husband is doing, if he is told to do chores he should do them. Some people don't take to domestic work easily and need to be instructed. Maybe your husband needs this.

[Ashgambit]

I think you should open a new bank account and not give him access.  "Here's the food.  Make dinners.  You can't order out anymore".  And then, if he ever wants a damn thing, you make sure he starts doing the laundry and cleaning the house.  And tell him - if he's to stay home, he's to earn his damn keep.  And if he still doesn't like it, I think you should go ahead with your separation. 

[meka26]

Quoting Anonymous:

Quoting meka26:

Did you tell him exactly what you expected from him everday? You can't then be mad if you did not. The kids need to have a chore chart. They are all old enough to clean and help dad prepare dinner. They are also old enough to clean up after themselves. He should not be expected to do it all on his own.

I honestly don't think I should have to tell a grown man what "keeping the house clean" entails but apparently I do so I am giving him a list

Clean to you may be different than his version of clean. I know it does in my home. I am always specific about what I want done, that way SO and dd will have no excuses.

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

Quoting cmfarm:

Why didn't you already have chores in place fot the kids? Your 14 year old is really out of line. It shouldn't matter what your husband is doing, if he is told to do chores he should do them. Some people don't take to domestic work easily and need to be instructed. Maybe your husband needs this.

He is out of line, the way he was seeing it is, if his mom is at work and it's ok for his step dad to sit around on his butt, why isn't it ok for him to do so. Yes, he should have been doing his chores but I do get his reasoning.

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

Quoting meka26:

Quoting Anonymous:

Quoting meka26:

Did you tell him exactly what you expected from him everday? You can't then be mad if you did not. The kids need to have a chore chart. They are all old enough to clean and help dad prepare dinner. They are also old enough to clean up after themselves. He should not be expected to do it all on his own.

I honestly don't think I should have to tell a grown man what "keeping the house clean" entails but apparently I do so I am giving him a list

Clean to you may be different than his version of clean. I know it does in my home. I am always specific about what I want done, that way SO and dd will have no excuses.

That would be one thing if he was doing some work, just not correctly or something but he's not doing anything.