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I am so done with this church!!! *Update: Things are worse than ever* :(

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

The title was just an attention grabber. I do have a problem though. DD had an interview with the Bishop yesterday after our church meetings. A temple trip is coming up and they are held to a certain level of worthiness in order to be able to attend. Normally interviews are not a big deal and he will ask her how she is, if she needs help/advice with anything, and ask her how she is doing with saying prayers and reading scriptures. I guess because this interview was for the temple it was different. She came home crying and said that he asked her questions about kissing boys, masturbation, if she views pornography, etc. She got super uncomfortable when he asked her about masturbation and wouldn't answer him. She said she didn't want to talk about things like that. She actually got up and walked out! I was so proud of her for that!

Now he is saying that since she didn't complete the interview, she can't go with to the temple activity. I'm not Mormon so I really don't know what to do. She and her brother attend church with DH's parents. This is the first problem we have encountered in all the years they have went. Had I known she was going to be asked questions like that she wouldn't have been in that interview. I feel like a failure because she had to be in such an uncomfortable situation.

So I have some questinos for any Mormon mommies reading this.  Is it normal to be asked those kinds of questions when you are a teenager? Is there someone else she could take the interview with? She really wants to go on this temple trip.

Update: DD said she was fine with me talking to my MIL about the situation. I called and told her exactly what DD had said and then I asked her if this was considered a "normal" and appropriate interview to go on the temple trip. She said yes!!!! I about died! She said that the Bishop is allowed to ask about your sexual purity and he can ask if you view pornography, have ever done any "necking or petting" (her words), and if you masturbate. I guess if she does any of those she is not worthy to go. I am very upset. She just turned 13 last month! She is still a kid and nobody should ask her those kinds of questions, especially a middle-aged man alone with her. I told MIL that is inappropriate and she did not understand why. She asked me "Well, how else will he know if she is worthy if she won't answer his questions." I ended the conversation before I said anything I would later regret. I have always had great respect for DH's parents. They were not active while DH was growing up so he doesn't know hardly anything about the religion but now they are very active and never miss a Sunday. I definitely think she knows what she is talking about. I just feel sick. I thought this was a good church and thought I was making a good decision by letting my children attend. They have both always loved it until yesterday. I always ask them what they learn and talk about and there haven't been any red flags. I can't believe I let this happen. :(

Update Again: I spoke with the Bishop. He said in no uncertain terms that the questions would need to be answered if DD wants to go on the trip. I explained why I feel the questions are inappropriate. He urged me to continue to let DD continue to attend services and said there would be "severe eternal consequences" if she leaves the church. After this conversation I talked to DD again. I told her what MIL and the Bishop said. She decided that she does not feel comfortable attending that church anymore. She has a friend who goes to a non-denominational Christian church. I called the friends mom and we will attend with them this Sunday. DD said she is excited to go. Thanks to everyone who gave advice. This has definitely been a learning experience for us!

Third Update: I need advice again ladies. You were all so helpful last time. Things have been a little tense around here. I spoke with MIL again last night and told her about DD's decision and how we are going to start attending other churches. She was upset but we kept the conversation civil. Well this morning I hear my doorbell ring and who do you think it is? The Bishop. I invited him in but he declined and said "this will only take a minute" and then he reiterated how much they wanted my daugher and son to continue attending their church. I politely declined on their behalf. He asked if he could talk to my kids. I said no you may not. Then he said that there is something I should know before I "fully commit" to having my DD stop attending. He proceeded to tell me that because DD has been baptized that he will be sending the missionaries over to talk to her and the young women in the ward will try extra hard to fellowship her. He also said that if she decides to join any other church she will face a disciplinary council. You have no idea how much this upset me. Here is this man standing on my front porch (who asked inappropriate questions to my 13 year old daughter) basically telling ME what will happen to MY daughter. He basically said they are not going to leave her alone. I thought she could just stop going on Sundays and be done but I guess not. This is where my question comes in. How in the world do I get her out of this church for good? I would ask MIL but I am almost positive she is the one who called the Bishop and I really don't know if I could control what would come out of my mouth.

Okay, I checked out the links that were posted. I sat down with DD and we typed a letter of resignation together. We both signed it, took it to the bank to be notarized, and we just got back from the mailing it to Salt Lake City. We shipped it Priority with Delivery Confirmation which is what the websites suggested. This way we can see when they receive the letter and as soon as they receive it she will no longer be a member. Hopefully this whole mess will be over within a few days! Thanks again for all your help ladies!

Update: Well, things have been a little tense with the in-laws. MIL told me that the Bishop came to her house and talked to her last week and asked her if she could keep bringing DD to church. Umm, no. I have tried to be respectful because MIL and FIL think I am waaaay overreacting and they are upset that DD sent off her resignation papers but it is getting difficult and I find myself ignoring her phone calls (bad, I know). We sent the papers about 3 weeks ago and we still haven't heard anything back. Does anyone know how long the process usually takes???

UPDATE: We finally received our confirmation letter!!!!! I will update a little later about how things have been going but I just wanted to let everyone know that DD is OUT of that church!

UPDATE AGAIN: Well, I finally have a little time to relax so I thought I would fill everyone in on what has been going on. We got our confirmation paper back. A few days prior to that, the Bishop called our house. He said that DD had been called to be in some young women's presidency. I don't even know what he was talking about. I told him firmly that she is officially out of the church and that if he, or anyone else from the church, contacts us again we will be going to the police. I've been considering going to the police anyways because of the nature of the questions he asked. A lot of the LDS people said that those questions are NOT normal so it makes me think that guy may be some kind of pervert. It scares me that he is in a position of authority.

As far as things with my MIL and FIL, they are going a little better. I finally put my foot down and told DH that they are his parents and he needs to deal with them. I was caught in the middle for a while and it was awful. He has had a few discussions with them and they said they are not happy with our decision to get DD's name removed from the membership records but they will respect our wishes. We have still been going to the non-denominational church and the kids both LOVE it. DH and I are athiest but we go with them every week. After this whole experience we have learned that you never can be too careful with who we put our kids around. Anyways, that's about it. This will probably be my last update. Thanks again for all of the support. :)

UPDATE AGAIN: The last few weeks have been HELL at our house. My inlaws had another chat with their lovely Bishop and decided that they will not respect our wishes. They now want nothing to do with me, Dh, or our children. They said that the Bishop told them that if they were involved in our lives he would not renew their temple recommend. He said they cannot support or affiliate with any group or individual who'se beliefs are not aligned with the LDS belief. I think he is mad that DD resigned her membership and it didn't make things better when he found out that DH and I are athiest. I don't get it though. DH's parents have had a great relationship with him up until a while ago and no other Bishop has told them not to have a relationship with us. Most people have known we are athiest for a long time. I dont' understand why things have to change now. Their Bishop sounds VERY extreme but for some reason they think he is pretty much the greatest person every. I don't get it. So we haven't heard from them since they called to basically say they are disowning us. We used to have a Halloween tradition of going to their house to play games and eat yummy treats but they told us we are no longer invited. They didn't even come see my kids in their costumes. Not a big deal for my teen but it was for her younger brother. He was heartbroken. I texted my MIL asking her if they would like to spend Thanksgiving with us (they do every other year) and she never replied. I have tried to call several times but I only get voicemail. My calls have not been returned for about 2 1/2 weeks. My daughter has had a particularly hard time in school. She used to be really good friends with the girls she went to church with but not anymore. One of them (a rather snotty girl) asked  her if she knew that leaving the church was the worst thing a person could ever do. She told my sweet daughter that since she left she will now go to Outer Darkness (AKA Hell) when she dies. She also said she will never see her family again after she dies. What kind of a cruel girl says that? Better yet, what kind of cruel adults say things like that? I'm sure that girl heard if from her parents or some other adult. I am so disappointed and sickened by all the adults in this situation who are putting RELIGION above LOVE and FAMILY. I don't know what to do. I guess my kids don't have grandparents anymore and my husband has no parents. It boggles my mind that they are throwing away their relationship for us just because of what their Bishop says. He sounds looney and I sincerely hope all LDS Bishops do not act like this. I am trying not to judge every Mormon by his and my in-laws actions but it is getting harder...I guess I just needed to write it all out and vent. The only good news is that our small family has been brought closer together through this and we have not had anymore visits from the Bishop or others in the church. We are still attending the non-denominational church too. My daughter has made great friends who have been so wonderful for her through all of this. I am so thankful for them.

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 31, 2012 at 2:57 PM
Replies (451-460):
by Anonymous 65 on Nov. 9, 2012 at 1:58 AM
I was baptized into the church at 18, so I never went through any of the young adult classes. I was 20 when I had my temple interview. I was asked simply if I was pure and chaste. That was it. I am sorry your daughter was asked those questions inappropriately. The way you were harassed by the bishop I believe is wrong. There are many members who are pushy about staying active in the church and snotty about affiliating with non members, inactive/less active members or ex members. I try to remind myself that the church is true not the people. I do not blame you for taking your children away from the church though. That bishop should not have made your daughter feel uncomfortable and since he did he should have apologized to her and to you and your husband. Instead he harassed you/your family and your daughter further by telling you they would not stop trying to bring her back even after you both stated that you did not want to. The girls your daughter goes to school with were wrong to treat her that way. Some people may find our beliefs weird and lots of people think we are a cult but I suggest looking up the definition of a cult and a lot of religions or groups can fall into that category. I am truly sorry you had such a horrible experience. There are extreme and perverted people everywhere though, not just in the Mormon religion. Also I don't think it makes your inlaws unworthy of the temple to associate with your family or even with ex members, etc.. I believe that question is simply asking if the member accepts our gospel standard and not others. So your inlaws not talking to your family because it makes them unworthy is not true, from what I can tell its probably the bishop that has made them believe that and he seems to me to be seriously abusing his priesthood.
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by Gold Member on Nov. 9, 2012 at 1:58 AM

poor girl. i'm sorry she had to go through this.

by on Nov. 9, 2012 at 2:09 AM
Loony toons man! Religions like that make me so mad. I'm sorry tat happening.
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by on Nov. 9, 2012 at 2:10 AM

WOw that is something. I don't go to church any more, but for different reasons. I was raised in a baptist home and family. I got pregnant and they looked at me differently (like anyone would) and then when I got older in my twenties and moved to a different (baptist) church they didn't talk to me after I told them how old I was what year my oldest son was born and what date and year I got married to my ex (they put the pieces together) and they just suddenly acted as though I was scum of the earth. I guess it would have been better if you went to the churches I went to LOL. All the churches are like that except one and it is not even baptist. I was surprised too. I have the upmost respect for this church too (they aren't shady and greedy like everyone else). I was there once and I was shocked, my jaw dropped because the baptist churches were extremely greedy and shady. This church I went to was hading out the tithes plate or basket or whatever you want to call it. When they said if you need financial help, please don't feel embaressed, but reach in the offering plate and grabe you some money, grab you the amount you need this is what tithing is for, to help our fellow person, not to benefit ourselves. MY JAW DROPPED! I never heard such words before, not in a church.

by Anonymous 57 on Nov. 9, 2012 at 7:01 AM
Quoting Anonymous:

I was a child 12 years old when they asked it wasn't a big deal for me then again I was prepared my parents told me what kind of questions were going to be asked it was the norm for me then again I didn't have 2 non member parents
by Platinum Member on Nov. 9, 2012 at 10:29 AM
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by Platinum Member on Nov. 9, 2012 at 10:45 AM
This whole thing makes me mad for you! Good luck with everything!
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by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 9, 2012 at 2:11 PM

Are you serious? I have read the pamphlet. Nowhere did it state that the Bishop would sit alone in a room with my daughter and ask her in graphic detail about things like masturbation and pornography, NOWHERE. I'm not even going to address your other questions because you sound like a nutcase. Good day.

Quoting Anonymous:

Like I said, a "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet would have explained this all to you. This could have been handled differently, but, honestly, 8 is the age of accountability in the church. You knew this. At some point, you have to take responsibility for your actions. Could you not have arranged for a meeting with the stake president to get further clarification on the matter if you felt his questions were inappropriate? Also, why couldn't your daughter just say no? Why would this bother her if she was acting appropriately? I don't know you or the standards that you hold your children to, but this may be a warning for you as parent of you think she is too young to be participating in sexual activities. If you feel comfortable with your decision, then own it. Your family will come around. It is NOT common for members to ostrasize non-members nor is it against church policy to associate with you. It's just disappointing to your in-laws.

Quoting Anonymous:

We went with her twice a month (the other two weeks, my inlaws would take her) and had no problems before this specific interview with the Bishop. I think it's great to be chaste. I DO NOT think it's great for a middle aged man to sit alone with a 13 year old CHILD and ask her sexually explicit questions.

Quoting Anonymous:

Sounds like you should have researched this church and maybe attended it a few times before allowing your daughter to join. Mormons have strict rules regarding chasity. Things like sex before marriage and masturbation are not considered chaste activities. Masturbation is frowned upon by the church because it leads to impure thoughts and fantasies. Sex is something to be enjoyed and done after marriage according to the church. Picking up a reading a "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet outlines exactly what is acceptable and unacceptable as far as dating, behavior regarding the opposite sex, and how to keep yourself pure. They make one for boys and a seperate one for girls. This pamphlet should have been given to your daughter by the Bishop to begin with. You should have checked up on this. Would it have killed you to learn about the church that you allowed your DD to be baptized into?

by on Nov. 9, 2012 at 2:23 PM
Wow, what a mess. Glad your daughter is now comfortable with the church you all are currently attending. The in-laws will come around eventually. When they do, let them know that religion is no longer a subject for debate in your household, period.

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by Anonymous 66 on Nov. 9, 2012 at 2:26 PM

Maybe it's time for you to contact the main Church official in Salt Lake City, and discuss what has been happening with the Bishop.  Hell, I would go to the police and file a report.  NO WAY is a middle aged geezer going to ask MY kid any of those questions without me going to the police.  I don't care if he is a Bishop, or not.  13 is too young for that crap.  As for your in-laws-WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?  Trying to blackmail you and your husband into doing what they want??  Last I looked, you and your husband are their parents-NOT them.  You have the responsibility to raise them to be productive adults.  

Make sure your daughter understands that not all religions are like that.  It sounds like you have her in a good church now.

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