controversial and may offend but I am in a real crisis here EDIT *BIG UPDATE*
I am at the most difficult impass of my life. I am struggling with so many things right now it is actually difficult to comprehend and put them into words. I would really appreciate some respect with what I am about to write here. I understand this issue is very controversial and I am absolutly going to offend some people with my words.
I am so tired of living a life where I feel I like am merely a shell of a bright woman dying to be herself for the first time. I have always known that I was gay. My first hardcore crush was on my best friend in middle school. I have yet to get the same stomach in my feeling for a man. I grew up Mormon. I was taught every Sunday and in my home that homosexuality was a CHOICE and that people are CHOOSING to live in what their perception of sin is. So, natuarally when I started feeling the way I was feeling I crammed all of it a closet and I have been WAY to terrified to even go back in the room where the closet is.
I did the whole "Molly Mormon" thing. I went off to BYU and met a hot return missionary who was very attractive and getting ready to start law school. It was perfect because at that point he had become my best friend. We got married in the temple, and then moved off for him to start law school at the same time we became pregnant with our daughter. I am now 27, married for 6 years to a succesful lawyer who also happens to be in the bishopric of the ward that we go to. He turned 30 this summer and our daughter turned 4. He treats me very well. I have a very ideal life in most people's minds. I get to stay home and have play dates and brunch anytime and we don't have to really worry about money. He treats me like gold and with respect and really the marriage appears to pretty unfuckingbelieveably perfect. I feel like I have fucked him over. He has NO idea and just thinks I have problems getting turned on because of medication.
We were both virgins on our wedding night. It was akward and it really has not gotten a lot better. We only have 1 child because I doubt we have sex often enough for me to really get pregnant espcially since we had to try for DD. He had no idea and I feel like I have royally fucked everyone over if they ever find out. My husband is in the bishopric at church and well liked and respected in our little community. All of my friends and family are Mormon and so are most of my aquaintances. What am I going to do? There is no one I can talk to that I can trust. I'm scared to even reach out more than annoymously on CafeMom. I'm going to lose my whole life. Literaly before my eyes if I continue to process these feelings. I keep trying to push it away but the feelings will not leave. I don't want my daughter to come from a broken home but I also don't want her to come from a broken woman and that is where I am headed. I am college educated and I recently finished my Masters. I have the ability to obtain work and a build a career if I want. However, my husband says that it will look bad if I go out to work because my place is in the home. He does not want to look like he is not providing for our family.
So, here I am. I am miserable. I want to come out to everybody and try to have a happy life with my great daughter who I happened to have had with an incredible man. Everyone I know is going to turn on me. I will be left with very little support after this. I am going to hurt everyone I love. Sometimes I wonder if I just drove off a cliff if that would help everyone involved.
Does anyone have any insight for me? Anything? What should I do? I don't even know where to start but I am in crisis here.
Thank you so much for all of the kind words. I just wanted to clarify a few things here in one place for everyone who is asking.
The first is that there is NO way I can be a member of the LDS church anymore. I cannot continue to go somewhere every single week where they are teaching biggotry. I cannot do it. I will not do it. My husband has a very different idea about this obviously. I still have not told him because I have no idea how I can.
The second thing is that for those of you questioning why I would get married in the first place. I thought that by getting married it would 'cure' me and my feelings would go away. That is what the Mormon leader taught me my whole life. You WILL be blessed for doing the right thing. Let me say, I am still looking for the blessings that come from scaraficing your soul to fit in with a group of people.
I assure all of you who are saying that it is not worth throwing a family away over sex that is has NOTHING to do with sex. It has to do with no longer being ashamed of who I am. It is about being a valid member of society who has so much to offer yet has to hide under social norms. It is about NO longer being repressed. It is about embracing me for the first time and being proud. It is about actually being able to talk to someone honestly. Imagine how hard it would be if you could not even tell your BEST FRIEND what your internal struggles were. It sucks.
I still have no idea what I am going to do. I will keep you all updated. Thanks for eerything.
I was reading that blog called the "Unicorn Club" when my husband got in from the office last night. As I made him a plate of food he mentioned that he had seen it on facebook a couple months ago and that he felt really bad for the guy. Anyway the conversation led to like an all night talking session that we tend to have sometimes. We have always been really good friends. Friendship totally came first with us and there is no one else that I would rather talk to then him and he feels very similararily to me. Long story short, it came up. I told him that my love for him was NEVER a lie. I told him that sharing my life with him for the last 6 years has been a priveledge. I said that there is not another man on the planet that I could have hand chosen to have a baby with. He was not that shocked. He said that he has always known that there was something different. HE said he always just been waiting. He said he wasn't sure if it was because maybe I had been sexually abused or there was some issue that I had with men but he knew that when I was ready to talk about it that I would. He is such a kind man. I got so lucky with him. Anyway he said that right now he thinks that it is important that we do not make any rash decesions and that we need to keep the home enviroment as consistant as we can for our daughter. He wants us to take a break from the Mormon church for a while and for me to get in to therapy. He said that he will not put any pressure on me as far as sex goes but he wants for me to have my stuff in a row before we make any decisions because we both feel that our daughter needs to have the easiest transisiton if there is going to be one. He said that if we can figure out a way to save our marriage we are going to. He has been ideal. I never could have imagined a more poweful coming out experience for myself. He said he wants a couple days to think and figure out what we are doing but he says that I have his full support and he loves me. Thanks ladies! I will update when we have our next talk!