WE GOT MARRIED!!!!!!-He's coming home next week and I'm scared to death-major confession!!
Fifteen months ago,I was dating a guy in the Army.He was deployed for fifteen months and he's coming home next week. And I'm terrified because I was three months pregnant when he left,I had his son six months later and I never told him.He's nine months old now and I've never told his father about him or any of his father's family.I know it was wrong,but I was only 23 and he was getting deployed to Afghanistan...I was just so afraid of everything that was going to happen and I was afraid of him dying.I plan on telling him about our boy when he gets home...but I really have no idea what to say. I never meant for things to get this far out of control...I have this awful feeling that he's going to be crazy out of control mad at me,regardless of my reasons :-(
EDIT: Last night,I emailed him and told him everything.I told him about the baby,I told him that I knew I was pregnant before he left and that I kept everything from him because I was scared about distracting him and I just explained everything.I told him that I was sorry about everything and that I knew what I did was wrong,but I couldn't undo it.I told him that I wanted him to be involved with his son,but I would wait for him to make the next move. He called me two hours ago and when I picked up the phone,before I even said hello,he asked me if what I wrote in the email was true.I told him yes and he said,"I'll call you when I land," and hung up the phone.
He said nothing about the baby,didn't ask what his name was or anything.He didn't sound mad,but he didn't sound happy,either. He sounded almost indifferent...
I have no idea what to make of that....maybe he's just in shock?
EDIT: So his plane landed today and he was sitting in my driveway when I got home from work and after picking up Anthony (the baby) from my mother's.When I got out of the car,he seemed very hesitant to come near me,especially when he saw me getting Ant out the backseat.He kissed me hello and asked if he could come in for awhile.Well,we got into the house and the whole time, he's just staring at Ant.He just watches me going about our evening routine,changing the baby's diaper,feeding him dinner,bathing him,etc.He's saying nothing this whole time.Finally,I left Ant in his bouncy seat while I went to fix dinner and after about fifteen minutes,I peeked my head back in the room and Alexander was holding Ant and he literally had tears rolling down his cheeks.I'd never seen him cry before and wasn't sure what to do,so I didn't interupt.A few minutes later,he brought Ant into the kitchen and he sat down with me while I ate and asked me tons of questions about my pregnancy and Ant.He asked me when I first felt him move,what my labor was like, how much he weighed,etc.He smiled when I told him that Ant was named after him and had his last name.He asked if he could help put Ant to bed and spend the night,so I told him yes and he's sleeping on my couch right now and tomorrow he's going to spend the day at my mom's with Ant while I work.He hasn't mentioned anything about me lying to him or a paternity test or anything...although I expect that to come later.I think that he's just in shock and amazement right now.I think when it finally hits him,he will be furious.I gave him this baby book that I'd put together for him with all the extra ultrasound photos,belly pictures,newborn pictures, milestone dates,etc. and he seemed to really enjoy looking at it,he would ask me questions about it after Ant was asleep.
I really think tomorrow is when the shit will hit the fan...I feel like right now,he's still recovering from the trip home and from the shock of meeting Ant...I think tomorrow there will be a lot of screaming and yelling and asking why I hid this from him even though I knew I was pregnant before he left...that's the one thing he did ask,he asked when I found out,how far along I was and I told him I found out when I was five weeks,so he realized that I knew I was pregnant a good month and a half before he left and never told him. :-(
I don't know what's going to happen to us.
So Alexander spent the whole day with Ant at my mom's.And then he came back home with us,played with the baby,helped me make dinner and after the baby was asleep,we finally talked.The shit didn't hit the fan as I'd expected,with yelling and screaming,it was more like a quiet hurt and disappointment,which is even harder to take.I explained all my reasons,that I was scared and worried for him,etc.And he told me that not only did I not tell him I was pregnant before he left,but that the entire time he was in Afghanistan,we were writing letters and emailing and even the occasional phone calls and not once did I mention this to him. He told me that he'd thought we had a really good thing going on and that was part of the reason he was so excited to get back home, so that we could make plans for the future.He told me that he couldn't even comprehend the fact that I'd hidden something so important from me.And he told me that I'd betrayed him in the worst way possible.And he said that even if he couldn't have been there when Ant was born,at least he could have known he was actually having a son.And he said that his family would have loved to known about Ant.And then he asked me,if he had died over there,would I have ever taken Ant to meet his family. He told me that he still loves me but that I've completely broken his trust.He said that he would have never believed that I would be capable of that kind of deception.
:-( It's nothing less than I deserve,I probably deserve a lot more to be honest. So things are still kind of up in the air. We're taking Ant to meet his family this weekend.I didn't want to go,but he said that I needed to because Ant wasn't 100% comfortable with him yet and he would need a familiar face.
He said he wants to put Ant on his insurance and he was told he needed a paternity test in order to do that since we weren't married. I told him that I could keep Ant on mine,that it was no problem,but he said that he'll get better benefits and things if he's on his.So we'll be doing a paternity test soon.
I don't know what's going to happen...everything seems semi-peaceful for now.I just hope that it stays like this and we can figure things out.
Update #4-We went to visit Alexander's family for Labor Day this weekend.They had a cookout and we took Ant up there and introduced them to everyone.I had only met Alexander's parents once before,so it was a little awkward.His parents were polite,but cool.I know they don't agree with what I did,but I think Alexander asked them to be civil,for Ant's sake.Other than that,things have been going good.Alexander has been keeping Ant during the day while I work and he's been staying here at night.We're working on our relationship,but we're taking things slow.Obviously,we've got a lot of trust to rebuild.We're doing the paternity test on Friday. And yes,I'm sure that Ant is Alexander's.I may have lied to him about the baby,but I would never cheat on him.I've been faithful for the entire time I've been with him.The only reason I told him that he didn't have to put the baby on his insurance was because I didn't want him to feel obligated to do something he didn't have to.I have good coverage and I could have kept the baby on there,if needed.And if it's true that he wants the paternity test for himself and not the insurance,well,that's fine too.I'm not going to throw a big fit and act insulted when I lied to him to about the baby for nine months of pregnancy and the first nine months of the baby's life.I know that I got really luck in Alexander accepting the baby and still wanting to be with me.I made a bad decision,it doesn't necessarily make me a bad person and thankfully Alexander understands that.I just hope that we can work things out and move on with our life-together.
So I just wanted to let everyone know that the paternity test results came back and yes,Alexander is the father :-) So now he's adding the baby to his insurance and everything's taken care of...he's legallyAnt's father in every way.Other than that,things are going pretty well. Alexander has basically moved in with me and things are going good between us...of course,he's still angry at me for keeping the baby from him for so long,but we're trying to put that behind us and move past it and not let it ruin our future. He keeps the baby during the day while I work. He's trying to decide whether or not to stay in the military...there are pros and cons to both situations...he's a commissioned captain and he makes pretty decent pay....but he says that having Ant has changed a lot of things...if we end up together,he doesn't want to move his wife and children around a lot...he wants Anthony to grow up in one place...so lots of things to consider...hopefully it will all work out for the best. I love Alexander and I love Anthony more than anything else in the world and I would love for the three of us to be a family.
Thank you to everyone who has well-wished us and for all the thoughts and prayers...I sincerely appreciate them
Update-10/13/12-We're engaged!!! We've been seeing a couples counselor,trying to work through all our issues and to regain trust and today he asked me to marry him!
I can't believe that things turned out this way after everything that's happened,we're engaged. I'm so lucky that Alexander is the kind of man he is and that he hasn't turned his back on me or Anthony after I kept the baby from him for so long.I'm so grateful and I know that this is so much more than I had any right to expect or deserve...we're going to keep going to therapy and hopefully we'll be able to make a family for our son.
I just wanted to share my happiness with everyone and ask that you continue praying for us :-)
11/27/12-We got married!!! We've been going to counseling and we felt ready to take this next step, so we got married the day before Thanksgiving! He's decided to stay in the army,since he recently got a promotion to Captain and he makes pretty good money. I know that some people probably disagree,but we're in love with each other and I really think that we're giving our son the best possible future by being married and I cannot wait to send the rest of my life with my husband and my son...and any other kids that may come along ;-)