Why do you feel sexy?

[Anonymous]

Last night DH put the moves on me for the first time in a month. After we started touching and kissing, he told me that my breath was awful. I had just brushed my teeth and that really hurt my feelings.

I just started crying. He hardly ever touches me any more. I feel undesireable. I am 5'4" and weigh 158lbs, am still about 20 lbs heavier than I was before I got pregnant with our 18 month old, have saggy breasts and belly covered in stretchmarks. I am almost 40 and not feeling young or pretty anymore. The last thing I needed was to feel like I had bad breath too.

I explained to him that I feel unattractive because he never wants me any more.... and the key to my feeling sexy is being desiredby him. He seems to think that there is something mentally wrong with me...  and that I should feel sexy "just because". He believes that most women just feel beautiful naturally.

I disagree. I think that most women feel sexy because they see that other people find them attractive. They feel men looking at them, admiring them, checking them out etc... I think that as a woman, if you don't get any positive feedback on your appearance, you tend to feel ugly, old, undesireable etc.

He says I need to have good self-esteem. I do have good self esteem when it comes to other things, Im smart, funny, loving, sweet, hardworking and talented. But when it comes to my physical being... I just feel unattractive and undesireable.

QUESTION IS... if you were only approached for intimacy once a month by your DH or SO... and then told that your breath was bad... would it make you feel unnatractive? Do you agree that feeling sexually appealing is directly linked to the feedback you receive about your looks from men? If no, how do you go about feeling sexy when nobody looks at you anymore?

[.betty.white.]

The bad breath might.  

Quoting Anonymous:

So you think maybe if I brush my teeth 4-5 times a day... all my problems will go away?

 

Quoting .betty.white.:

I would brush my teeth more in that situation.  How well are you keeping up with your oral hygiene?  

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

I try to feel sexy... I do belly dancing, and even performed in front of about 100 people. Granted I was the biggest girl on the stage, but I felt attractive then. Sometimes I feel attractive, but it's mostly an intellectual attractiveness....

And I have felt sexy before. The BF I had before my husband was 9 years older than me. He always made me feel young and cute and appreciated my spunky character. I felt sexier because I could see how he felt lucky that a girl like me would go out with him... and that boosted my confidence.

But it's hard to feel confident... when the one person you love doesn't seem interested....

[owl0210]

You need to feel sexy from within and should never base your self-worth on someone else.

 

[Vampyrechic]

I tell my DH all the time that his breath is bad. It could be first thing in the morning or at night when were starting to get freaky. He needs to go see a dentist because even after he brushes his teeth his breath is terrible. If only he wasnt afraid of the dentist. But none the less, he is a jerk for saying that just when you were about to get to it. 

[Anonymous - Original Poster]

I see a dentist every six months, haven't had a cavity since I was about 10... brush 2x day, floss once a day, use mouthwash... so I seriously doubt it's a lack of hygiene issue.

[Ideal_Lady]

Yikes. Bad breath is a huge turn off but it seems like you need some confidence.

[singlemom1208]

Because my BF typically only dates skinny women, but he loves my curvey body for some unknown reason

[jesistar6910]

 I don't ever feel sexy. I don't base whether or not I do based on how I am recieved by men. I only feel unsexy because I am super overweight still. I just recently lost 30 pounds but need to lose 100 more. That's why I feel unsexy. My husband still desires me and we have an active sex life, but that doesn't mean I feel sexy.

[JakesMom712]

Everytime i look in the mirror I feel sexy. You don't need someone to make you feel sexy or beautiful. It comes from within.

[alwayskk]

Quoting Anonymous:

I see a dentist every six months, haven't had a cavity since I was about 10... brush 2x day, floss once a day, use mouthwash... so I seriously doubt it's a lack of hygiene issue.

Do you think that your breath actually smells bad?

It seems to me like there could be two different issues here.

1. Your self esteem is struggling right now.

2. You might actually have bad breath.

I believe you when you say it's not a hygiene issue. Could you have some undiagnosed medical issue? 

I would confront both issues.