I know I am a bad Mom, and I blame it on my parents. Final Edit
I was very abused when I was growing up. I now have a toddler and I feel like shit when I yell at her or spank her. I often have quick reactions whenI know I'm not supposed to. I know that I am acting like my parents did. This is how they parented me. I know that I should do things differently, but I do these things and then think about it after I already did it. I am not beating my child like they beat me. I swat her on her legs with my hand, but I never use a belt like my Dad would do. I feel like such a terrible Mom, and what is worse is that her Daddy walked out on us so I am all alone in trying to raise her. I don't have any family around since I cut them out of my life for being so terrible to me. I don't want to be this kind of Mom. Tonight I got so mad at her because she kept getting up out of bed. I lost it and I yelled at her and smacked her hard on the butt. She cried like crazy and I then I started crying too. I don't know how to be patient with her. Since I'm doing this alone, other than daycare, I don't know what to do or stop myself before I lash out at her. I want to stop it and I have no idea what to do, or if I will even be successful. I have read some stuff on the internet, but I want to stop the knee jerk reactions. That is what I'm having the most trouble with.
Bash away. I deserve it. :(
Oh my goodness! I never expected this many replies, and I'm a featured post. Never saw that coming.
Thanks to many of you are that are being understanding and supportive. It does make me sad to see that so many of you went through the same thing. I realize that I'm messing up. This morning my dd gave me a hard time, and I had to walk away from her like 4 times. It took forever to get her ready for daycare, and me for work. We were very late, but I did manage to do everything without yelling or spanking her. Boy that was tough though. My boss was really pissed off that I was so late. I just had to give myself that time though. I didn't know how else to handle it. I think that if we are going to get ready like this every day I need to wake up like an hour and a half earlier so we are not late. It sucks but I'll do it.
I know I have a hard road ahead of me and the thought of it makes me want to throw up. I think I'm just super angry about how my life is right now. I'm suddenly a single Mom on top of all of these other problems. I have looked online a little bit to try to find therapists and possible classes. I haven't been able to really look good since I'm also trying to work. I will look into it more though.
I have to say that the thought of going to therapy scares me. I don't like the idea of telling someone every detail of my past when there is so much that I have never shared with anyone. I don't know why that makes me so nervous but it does. I'm terrified. Just terrified. I'll go but damn! That is going to be awful. I just know it.
I can also feel that I'm getting a big migraine headache. Yuck! Someone just shoot me.
Just so you all know I made an edit to my post because there were just too many people to respond to.
Hello again ladies. I just wanted to thank all of you that have been so kind and supportive of me. I deeply appreciate your kind words. I wanted to let everyone know what is going on since I was asked to provide updates. It took some time and a lot of calls on my breaks at work but I managed to find a therapist that could see me. I also worked it out with my dd daycare so that she can stay late on the days I go to the therapist. I spoke to my aunt about what is going on, and she offered to help me pay for my therapy. I'm so grateful. I've always been very close to my aunt so I'm very happy that she can help me with all of this.
I also said it in some of the replies but I have some more information on what is going on with my soon to be ex. My dh has been staying with a friend of mine. Well I should say ex friend. I now know that her and my dh have been having an affair. I wasn't sure about it for a while. Then her neighbor who is an acquaintance of mine from another job I once had, heard that my dh walked out and then called me and told me that he had seen my dh over at her house a lot. I had been trying to call my dh and my friend a lot to see if he was really there. He finally called me back and said that he was staying there. I asked him about why his car had been seen over there a lot before he left. He was quiet for a minute and then finally said that he had been seeing her. I guess he realized that he couldn't deny it since he had been spotted over there. I'm really hurt by this because I thought she was my friend and that he really loved me. I'm not sure what happened with us but I am starting to feel good about him being gone. He could be very irresponsible with money and I had to clean up a lot of financial disasters he caused.
Here is the kicker to all of this. She is married too. Her dh is deployed right now. I know that's why they are getting away with this for now. I'm sure her dh doesn't know. I think that's why dh has not been around in awhile. He might have been afraid that he would let it slip where he was. When I spoke to him he said he knew we should divorce. I agreed. He said that he does want to see our dd, and wants to share custody. I'm not sure how I feel about that. He walked out on us with barely a word for four months and then we didn't hear anything from him. I only found out that he was even alive from the neighbor. That's the only reason I didn't loose my shit and file a missing person report. Asshole.
Anyway, I know that's very long winded and I'm sorry that it so long. I basically wanted you all to know that I am divorcing him and I will be able to go to therapy. I've started a good behavior chart with my dd and it seems to be working okay so far. It is not perfect yet, but it is also new to her. I've been trying very hard not to yell, and I have not spanked her since I started posting about all this. Thank again everyone.